Saturday, November 8, 2014

Monday, November 3, 2014

I survived. Now I want to thrive.

I look back at the past 5 years and I am amazed that I have survived. And grateful. Ever had a season where one thing after another went wrong? Where you could barely catch your breath and recover from one thing before something else piled on? The past 5 years have been intense...

My father passed away and that was incredibly hard on me, going up and down to KL many times only to miss him by hours, and to spend days by his bedside weeping, watching him slowly die and not being able to say so much to him. To say "Goodbye, I love you, and it's okay, I forgive you for not being there" more for my own healing... well, maybe he heard me anyway.

My body began to struggle to cope with this emotional and mental burden. I was in so much pain because my gall bladder was crumbling and my guts were obstructed and I was vomiting away often in terrible agony. Eating food became a nightmare. Nothing could pass through without pain. Then I couldn't eat for almost 50 days and was fed via a tube in my arm to fatten me for surgery along with yet another large course of steroids. Finally, surgery to remove a bad gall bladder and 40cms of small intestine. I survived that and bounced back for a bit.

Then the disease came back, weight loss was extreme and I was readmitted to hospital for 2 weeks and began some new meds. I felt I survived that. But soon after my youngest son was diagnosed too. Same disease. I was heartbroken. I was so numb I survived on autopilot.

I tried new medications that didnt work and old meds that made me very ill. Migraines, photosensitive eyes, nausea and vomiting. I somehow survived. In the process of all this I moved house, a huge stress which I have undergone many times. I survived. Meds affected my nerves and I lost my hearing in my right ear for awhile. It eventually came back. Again, I survived.

Then I fell and broke my left ankle and sprained my right so I was in a wheelchair for 2 months. With rehab I have got my foot back and am at the gym building muscle so I can age well. That was the worst thing I have ever endured... being immobilised and having 2 plates and 8 screws implanted to fix 3 broken bones. And at the same time my youngest son was admitted to hospital with me. Mornings spent getting my wheelchair to his bedside and watching him being poked by needles and rebuilding an apetite. And battling guilt for passing on my illness to him. And somehow I survived all that too.

Every time something has happened to me, I have survived. I am a survivor. There is no doubt in my mind. All the events of my life, especially those of the past 5 intense years, documented in my blog in varying degrees, have led me to where I am today. If I survived them all I can and will survive anything. That's a comforting thought. And why it is so useful to revisit these events to tell myself how strong I am. Incredible strength lies within me. It's there.

I didn't survive on my own... i look back and I know God was with me along the way. Each and every step. Moving me forward to each new day and to this very day. I am where I am supposed to be. I can just simply, be.

I am glad I am a survivor but I want to move to being a thriver. Yeah. Survival mode is good for the really bad days but you need to get to thriving mode so life can be lived to the fullest. That would be the best way to beat all that has happened to me. To thrive in the face of it all. To laugh and be happy and assured that I walk in God's will, no matter what that may bring. As long as His purposes for my life are fulfilled I am happy. It is enough for my soul. It's happening. Transformation and metamorphosis. The ultimate goal of my spiritual life: to become more like Him. Stay the path, let it happen. Slowly and surely I will evolve into something truly beautiful. Simply because I want to... and that is more than enough.

Thanks for reading,
Pav