I Am Truly Grateful

It's the end of 2019, and I have been reading so many inspiring stories from my many friends about how they have overcome so much, faced changes, made important decisions and generally persevered with life and being alive, one step at a time. I want to thank you all for being heroic in your own way, and for being inspirational even if you do not know it. I have learnt a lot from you, and from life itself. We are all on our own heroic journeys, triumphing over ourselves, and overcoming obstacles in our way. Well done, everyone, for making it through 2019! ❤

This year, I learnt to close the door even more on the past. It's a process, and I am clearly moving forward. There is no going back, no looking back, no wanting or mourning what was... just so much more of wanting something new for myself. The past was good, but the future will be better, and every present moment is truly the best. I've learnt to live more in the moment. Far more appreciative of the love that I have in my life, and I have so much, my cup overflows. I am truly grateful.

This year I had various hospitalisations, multiple procedures, seasons of starvation, a semi permanent line in my arm, loads of nasty meds, an angry abdominal abcess, a possible fistula, a definite intestinal perforation and a necessary surgery to cut away 40 cms of useless guts. But hey, I still got plenty guts! And I am able to eat now and slowly energy levels are returning. I am truly grateful.

I do have guts, because I bounced back despite all that to finish my MA in Counselling, ending with 2 High Distinctions and 6 Distinctions. Thanks dear friends and family, for the support and encouragement and for cheering me on even when getting out of bed hurt so much and writing 4000 words seemed impossible. Somehow, I made it through, and I'm done with the MA. I am truly grateful.

This year my kids and I had lovely holidays in new places, made memories for a lifetime and discovered 7 days on a catamaran together may be 2 days too long but can we do it all again some day! It was beautiful watching my children enjoy themselves. Their happiness is my happiness. I am truly grateful.

This year I faced myself squarely and told myself that I had been suffering from some form of traumatic stress resulting from all that had happened to me over the past 6 years... and I needed to proactively heal all that and find a way to keep moving forward at the same time. Recognise the pain and hurt but do not linger there, keep forgiving and letting go, constantly moving forward, investing in new friendships, new adventures and new joys. Self awareness is so important if we wish to grow. I have learnt a lot about myself and I love myself more today than I ever have in my entire life. I am truly grateful.

Today, I look back over the year and as it ends I see that we are all well, safe, thriving where we have been planted, and happy. My children bring me more joy than sorrow, and I look back at all my times with them and I cherish so many beautiful memories. Can life be better than this? It could always be, but truly, my heart is content, and I am glad my kids and I have made it thus far. I am truly grateful.

I have faith that God walks with me, hope that my future is in His hands, peace in my heart from His presence, and more than enough love because He loves me more than I can ever know. I am grateful for my blessings, not so much for myself, but more so because in the year to come I hope to be more of a blessing to others, not only as a counselor, but especially as a friend. Someone on your journey in life that will walk with you in happy and sad times and that you can lean on. May I be a true friend.

May I continue to bless you, dear friends and family, in whatever way possible in the year to come. May you be a blessing to those who need you in 2020, and always. Wishing you and yours all good things, always, and especially a heart of gratitude. ❤

Thanks for reading,
Pav

My Smile

MY SMILE

I smile because you need it far more than I do.

What my smile does for you it cannot do for me.

It helps you think that all is well but my heart knows otherwise.

Maybe your heart knows too.

Maybe my smile is just a lie we both understand.

"I'm fine", my smile lies, saying what you want to hear.

"She's lying", your mind says, knowing I will say what you want to hear, what you need to hear, and no less.

But for how long can this lie live on and hearts not crumble from the weight of truth unspoken?

I'm not fine, and you cannot bear the truth of that.

And I am tired of lying to help you feel better about yourself.

My smile is no longer for those who need only the sunshine and fear the rain.

I smile for those who remain with me in and out of season.

To you my smile says, "With you, I'm fine".

And you think, "With her, I'm fine too", knowing you are all she wants and needs and nothing more.

- Pavitar Kaur Gill
6th April 2019

(Thanks for reading!)

Pain, an Aid to Rest and Reflection

What is pain? Might pain be a reminder to us that we are simply human? Might pain be a way to force us to slow down? Might pain be God's way of getting our attention?

There are so many kinds of pain. Pain in our bodies, in our hearts, in our minds. Pain that cries out loudly demanding that we notice it and address it. Pain that whimpers quietly in some corner reluctant to take centrestage and yet ever present in its persistence.

Pain can be deeply visceral, or remotely peripheral, and either way it calls out constantly. Hear me, feel me, acknowledge me; I am real. Out of desperation we seek to dumb it down, to numb it, to escape from it and even deny it, because pain is simply too painful.

But what if pain wasn't something to escape but something to embrace? What if when pain floods our nerves and senses and we feel overwhelmed, that pain can teach us something? Lessons in our mere mortality can be best learnt when our bodies are under threat or attack. Pain can slow us down and force us to think about our lives, what they mean, and the meaning we want to make of our lives. When you're forced to rest your body but your brain keeps going then maybe reflection can take place, and with it, a revelation of meaning and purpose in life may come.

With chronic illness the threat or attack to the body is a constant one. To live in a continual, heightened state of battle readiness, fighting forays against a perceived enemy, experiencing the wounds of hurt, pain, loss, grief and anger, one could easily feel trapped in a depressing cycle.

What choice is there, then, but to embrace every aspect of chronic illness, including the pain, so one can find a way to live peacably with it? How paradoxical it must seem to be fighting a battle against illness, and yet being forced to accept it so one can live sanely. That's the constant balance required, between fighting and accepting.

Those whose bodies are healthy can never truly understand that tension because for them the choices are easier. It's about maximising every minute in some economically measurable, productive way that is quite possibly the opposite of reflecting while resting in pain. Somehow, I think we only really come to a place of reflecting and seeking meaning and peace in life when we realise we are in some kind of pain. If we are honest and face up to the reality of our ever present pain, no matter what form it takes and which part of us hurts, we will realise that our pain is calling us to rest and to reflect.

For the chronically ill, hurting physically easily leads to hurting on other levels of being and the pain multiplies over and over. Pain is a constant and unwelcome companion that we somehow learn to live with. In fact, many chronically ill people remain cheerful in the midst of their suffering.

People often remark on my cheerfulness. What other choice is there for me? To be anything but cheerful is to begin to lose the ongoing battle against illness, and to fail to truly and graciously accept it and its limitations. To be less than cheerful is to place a heavy burden on those around us who may not understand or be able to help us. To be cheerless is to give in to self pity, and to deny the will of God that allows pain and suffering in my life. I have no choice but to be as cheerful as I can, because nobody else is responsible for the joy I find in my own life.

Often, nobody really understands the impact of chronic illness until one has it themselves. That's life. As is the constant presence of pain, in some form or other. All part and parcel of life. May we listen to our pain and respond to its call to rest and reflect and find meaning in our sufferings, whatever they may be. May we face our pains head on in the search for meaning, and not choose to escape from them. May we embrace the will of God, that for reasons unknown to us, allows pain to draw us closer to Him.

Thank you, God, even for my pain, and may I draw strength from you as I rest and reflect. May your peace descend upon me as I find that balance between fighting and acceptance, and may I remain ever grateful, even for pain.

Thanks for reading,

Pav