The idea of “co-parenting” has become popular these days when discussing divorce and children. In the course of my work with women undergoing divorce, volunteering with women facing “co-parenting” struggles, and in my own personal experience of divorce, “co-parenting” is an illusion.
It’s a handy term for an ideal notion, but sadly, that ideal is rooted in problems that may very well be at the heart of marital discord in the first place. How can two individuals who may disagree on many important, fundamental issues involving value systems, parenting styles, personal childhood experiences with unresolved trauma, and a myriad of other potentially messy problems like infidelity or betrayal, be expected to “co-parent” through separation, divorce, and post divorce? When trust is broken can “co-parenting” even occur, and is it fair to prioritise the wellbeing of the children but ignore the wellbeing of the aggrieved spouses?
The so called division of “parenting” within a family is already never a 50-50 balance. One parent is always going to work so much harder in the trenches, and in divorce that’s often the mother who was given care and control in joint custody, or who has sole custody. One parent is there 24/7, worn out, emotionally stretched, physically exhausted, and mentally burdened by the load. No idea what the other less burdened parent might be doing, but think of most “midlife crisis” situations and you get the picture. It’s an incredibly common, recurring, tragic picture.
It sounds nice, this “co-parenting” business, but if it wasn’t going well pre separation/divorce, it isn’t going to magically happen once the marriage is over. Parents need to resolve some of those issues that caused trouble in the first place, especially the ones that led to one party shutting down, running away, giving up on the other, etc. If those issues remain there is very little hope of proper “co-parenting”. It’s an illusion, really, fuelled by noble intentions for the wellbeing of children, and supposedly aided by typically inadequate court mandated counselling sessions.
Parents need to dig deep, and do the work on themselves, and learn to work together and communicate better even if they no longer wish to be married to each other. Their marital partnership might be dissolved, but the parenting partnership is supposed to continue. If they don’t do the personal work, there will always be an imbalance in the “co-parenting”, and there will be some measure of unfairness and ongoing resentment that could potentially affect the children as well. Court mandated counselling sessions simply aren’t enough. Parents and children need to want to work through their issues, children need to be onboard with “co-parenting”, and efforts need to be made to make sure that the overburdened parent has recourse when the balance is tipped against them.
I’m exhausted from my stint of “co-parenting”, and saddened by what I hear other women struggling with, knowing that while women are the natural nurturing caregivers, men also have a responsibility that involves providing support beyond the financial.
What is “co-parenting”, really, and how can we make it work better, in a context where the “co-“ has broken down, there’s acrimony, and it’s every person for themselves in largely adversarial divorces made worse by lawyers who see dollar signs instead of broken hearts and families? How do we prioritise the wellbeing of children while not ignoring the needs of the parents, especially the one who’ll be in the trenches 24/7?
Age long issues with no clear answers. Our noblest of intentions will not be enough. Sigh.
Thanks for reading,
Pav
