On the eve of 2024

On a clear night, my view of the east of London stretches for miles, with lights twinkling like a sea of jewels, adding a sparkle to the horizon. As 2023 draws to a close I look back over the year, and I realise that my year has been filled with moments that have reminded me time and again that I am a survivor. My life is a sea of ups and downs, and each time, I’ve survived. 

Surviving unending heartbreak (the heart never recovers), divorce ptsd (the soul never forgets), chronic health issues (the body never heals), worrying insanely about my kids, selling my home, buying a home, moving house three times, moving across continents, starting uni, managing uni, living on my own for the first time in decades… it seems like 2023 has flown by in a complete daze. And somehow, I’ve survived it. I’m frankly rather exhausted on many levels, but I really do think surviving is what I do best. 

I’ve often wanted to shift gears and get to “thriving” instead, as if it was a level up from merely “surviving”. I’m going to stop wanting more and simply be grateful for what I have done, and what I am. I think I am content with surviving. I’m bloody good at it, and I’d like a medal but hey, I’ll settle for patting myself on the back. No matter what life throws at me, I always bounce back, I never give up, I keep soldiering on. I am a survivor. 

My life, a sea of shining moments that remind me of where I’ve been, what I’ve endured, and what I do best. I survive. And that is truly enough. 

Well done, my dear family and friends for getting through 2023 and all that it brought you, with your own sea of ups and downs. May you look back and see the moments when you shone best, especially in the darkest of hours. May you know how far you have come, and all that you have accomplished as you kept moving forward. 

Here’s wishing us all the continual strength, tenacity and determination to get through 2024. Happiest of New Year greetings to all, and all good things always for you and yours. 

With much love and affection, 

Pav

31/12/23

Truly Human, and Unafraid to Feel

One of the reasons we all love watching movies or plays is because actors and actresses get to portray the fullest possible range of human emotions. All the emotions we are too frightened to give in to, to feel, to display, to experience. All the emotions that if others saw in us, we’d be afraid they wouldn’t love us or they’d leave us, or despise us. 

So we weep alongside these portrayals of sorrow, loss, grief, anger, hopelessness, and rage. We are moved to tears by displays of joy, love, hope and faith, all the good that is battling to take the upper hand in us. Sometimes we are moved by the total numbness of not feeling a single thing, a luxury often not afforded to us because we have to function for others who need a smile, our loving and mindful presence, and our shoulder to lean on whilst we remain propped up on thin air, it might seem. 

Watching others vent what we cannot articulate is cathartic. Sometimes it helps us understand our own pain better, and give a name to what we thought we felt, even if we never truly recognised its magnitude, submerged as it may have been somewhere deeply within our subconscious mind, pushed away by a lurking fear of the unknown, and the potential enormity of what we have experienced. It is an enormity we do not dare to face. 

And so we live vicariously through the generosity of talented individuals who take on our limitations and help us release ourselves from them, setting us free to be truly human, and unafraid to feel whatever it is that we must, while knowing that perhaps we never truly can. Fully human, and unafraid to feel, that would be wonderful. 

Thanks for reading, 

Pav