My dear Ma’s passing is a constant reminder of my own mortality. Someday, not too far away, I will find
I find myself struggling with a combo of my late parents’ health issues though thankfully not diabetic… really the Crohn’s that came from nowhere aka the “gift” that keeps on giving is complicated enough. Will I find myself succumbing to a secondary hospital acquired infection as they both did? Who knows…?! Sigh.
Sometimes, my mind wanders to the thought of who will be by my side in that twilight time when I fight my last battle and find a sweet release from the cage of this mortal existence. My spirit will some day be free, and my failing body will have served its purpose. Are we spirits in bodies, or bodies in spirit? It’s mysterious. I hope to return to my Maker, and to be part of creation. A host of many, and yet part of One. Paradoxes abound, but since life is a mystery, why should death be any simpler?
I only hope that when my time comes it will be quick, and I will not linger for long, a sad, crumbling, rapidly decaying shadow of myself. Watching my sweet Ma deteriorate, in pain, and being treated with less dignity than she deserved, left me deeply saddened for her. Selfishly, and perhaps unsurprisingly, it also left me deeply scarred, thinking of my own turn at death’s door.
Please don’t pray for me to linger, let me go, I am always ready, truly, perhaps you should be too. Please don’t be afraid to speak of death and dying, I can face it, and so should you. Please weep if you need to, and say whatever needs to be said, I can bear it. All you will hear from me is gratitude for having been a part of your life. Thank you, I love you, I shall remain with you, always.
Someday, each of us will have to face death. I am learning to embrace it, not so much to rush towards it, but to dispense with the fear of it, and to consider its inevitability, and also its gifts. Certainly, time left is short, and are we not all moving towards our end, every single day of our lives?
How long do any of us have? Perhaps I’ll have another 20-25 years more before I leave this earth. How do I want to live? What do I want to do? Who do I want to be? I think of my sweet Ma: if you were lonely, she befriended you, if you were hungry, she fed you, if you were lost, she helped you find your way. She was the hands and feet of Christ in this world, in her own special way.
Ma, I miss you. When my time comes and if I am remembered with the same love, warmth, gratitude, and affection as you, I shall have lived a life worth living. Hugs and love, sweet Ma, I love you, always. ❤️
