Of Family Feuds and Funerals

 Of Family Feuds and Funerals. 

Sometimes, an opportunity comes our way to make things right. To show grace, to forgive, and to heal. To put aside ideas of right or wrong, good or bad, and win or lose. To rebuild, repair, and restore. LWL’s passing was such an opportunity. Sadly, it’s not being recognised for what it is… a chance to end a family feud, restore relations, and reunite the nation. 

I’ve been reading comments online of folks arguing for LHL, and against LHY, and vice versa, and I can’t help thinking that it’s not particularly useful to polarise people and to imagine the best or the worst of them. All of life is about straddling that space between contradictions. We are all both good, and bad. How do we live with ourselves amidst these tensions? And how do we live with others, knowing full well that they, like us, are perfectly imperfect? Only with plenty of grace. 

In an ideal world, LHY would have returned for his sister’s funeral despite valid charges against him and whatever the consequences might be. Ideally, the house would be demolished, because, after all, it’s just a stone edifice, filled with a family’s memories, and now the cornerstone of an ongoing feud that has torn the family apart. It’s the cause of disunity, not just for the family, but for the nation. Division already exists beneath our nation’s superficial veneer, but surely a family feud revisited during a funeral shouldn’t add to fragile fault lines being further broadened. Unfortunately, it is adding to disunity. 

What’s the truth, who’s right, who should win? It sounds like a petty childhood squabble that will have no end unless the precious toy is removed. Take the house away, demolish it, and let’s carry on. It’s not really a loss, neither a hollow victory for anyone. It’s really just sanity prevailing. No need to feed egos, enable victimhood, and encourage division. Close the chapter, remove the spotlight, and retire gracefully from the arena of family feuds. It’s the best thing for the nation. If either party says they love Singapore, then they should stop tarnishing their family’s good name, and all of ours, and let the past go. 

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

AFP file photo of the house.

Obituary for a Frangipanni Tree

Obituary for a Frangipanni Tree (6th Oct 2022)

Woke up this morning and found a frangipanni had fallen across the pond. It was the last of 5 frangipannis planted around the pond in 2011, when the house was first built. I am sad to see it dead though I feel I did neglect it while it was alive. Wrote a little something while munching my toast. Fare thee well, frangipanni tree.

Obituary for a frangipanni tree:

Planted by the pond your roots protested

An excess of water that lingered in the soil.

You watched palms and ferns flourish while other frangipannis died, 

Did you know you were the last to survive? 

Today, you broke, unsupported by brittle branches that carried the dry rot stemming from dead roots, 

Spreading like a cancer through your skeletal frame. 

Yours was a life unheralded, a tree amongst other plants, a part of the backdrop of a green screen.

One of several, your uniqueness finally being your solitary survival over a decade while other frangipannis fell early.

Frangipannis do not like water, we knew that, hoping that somehow you’d survive. 

And you did, until today. 

And I am shocked that I cannot remember the colour of your flowers. There have been none for a long time now. 

And I am sad that you were dying all this time, and I did not know.

Thanks for reading,

Pav 

A memory from 18th Feb 2020

After 11 days of self imposed home quarantine and venturing around the neighbourhood for short walks, I decided to go to the beach at the East Coast this morning. Left in the dark, hoping to catch the dawn but missed part of it while huddling with others at Mac's waiting out a drizzle. Saw a man probably enroute to Bedok Jetty for morning fishing, groups of cyclists, taichi groupies, solo folks and grumpy older men with their equally grumpy wives. 

Looked up from my cup of insipid tea and saw a man staring at me. Looked away determined not to look a second time, in case he was staring at me again, but then found to my dismay, when I casually looked up, that he had vanished. Sigh. Oh well. Told myself to smile at everyone on my walk, be friendly! Wandered off and walked for almost 2 hours along the beach. 

My older three kids were born while we lived in an apartment across from the beach, and I revisited so many happy memories this morning. Various kids (I have so many!) learnt to cycle, rollerblade, skateboard, wakeboard and sail here.  In their early years, they enjoyed being carried about in our bike kiddy seats. We camped overnight on the beach, knowing that if it turned out to be a disaster we could get home easily. No disasters, just the best fun ever. Highlight was cooking instant noodles in Dad's army cookware over a bunsen burner. Best noodles ever! 

Saw the pond where we released our two terrapins (naughty us!) that had outgrown their aquarium. Saw the hawker centre at which many a meal was eaten and a tahpao bought. Saw aeroplanes approaching Changi Airport, and remembered how the kids loved spotting them and guessing carriers, and the joy at recognising SIA's tail, their loud screams of joy piercing the air. Walked on the sand and remembered the hours of happy digging and playing and chasing waves, and how, truly, the simplest of joys are free. 

The wind messed my hair and I remembered how we ran around here like wildebeests, freely enjoying the breeze, the sand, the sky and the sea. How the kids learnt to touch a mimosa leaf and watch it close. How they met strange dogs and embraced them with open arms. How we met ants of various sizes, along with prickly casuarina cones, and other things to avoid while running barefoot for hours. 

From our apartment, we had a view of the sea from every room, and the ships filled the horizon. Once, an American aircraft carrier obliterated the horizon altogether, it seemed so huge. Every New Year's Eve, at the stroke of midnight, every ship lets off a flare, and we would watch this from our apartment with a clear view of the ocean. Our very own "fireworks" show. We'd wait for the inevitable laggards who were slow, or hoarding the limelight for themselves, until it became obvious that there were no more flares left. One day, I heard a huge explosion, and a barge carrying kerosene had exploded. It was scary! Thankfully, no one died. 

I remembered life in our apartment, our first home, and how very happy we had been in those years with the kids running about the condo, our lovely neighbours, hours spent at the playground, and the BeyBlade competition I organised, as well as the "Campaign Against the Change of Condo Colour Scheme". We were successful in swaying the opinion of the other 479 households in the condo against changing the colour scheme of the exterior of our condo blocks from a very mild green and beige to a frightful pink and purple concoction. The kids rallied and distributed fliers to every household, and cheered when we won! Today, the colour scheme is shades of blue, but I no longer live there, so it's okay. 

Those were the best times of my life, when life was simpler, and everyday seemed magical. You don't need much to be truly happy. So grateful for all the good in my life, of which there seems to be plenty. I have been, and continue to be, so blessed. A walk down memory lane where one focuses on the good is so refreshing! I simply love the sea, the breeze, the open vistas and the whole feel of being on the verge of something larger than one's self. Here, today, I felt my past merge with my present, and I felt at peace. May you find your peace, too. 

(18th Feb 2020)

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

I Love the Ordinary

Captivated by the ordinary, partly because it’s so much a part of our shared human lives, but also because it grounds me to celebrate the everyday in every way. This moment, now, calls out to be lived in. Am I present, or absent, hunting down a better moment in time? Happiness must entail living in the now, to some extent. Here’s an ordinary poem. 

I Love the Ordinary 

The way my toes curl in the morning cold, 

The way the kettle’s boil gets loud and bold,

The way my fingers warm round my tea mug’s hold,

I love the ordinary. 

The way my washed laundry smells so very clean, 

The way my duvet folds over with a satiny sheen,

The way my tablecloth tells of spills it’s seen,

I love the ordinary. 

The way my floor gleams after a gentle scrub, 

The way my tables smell after a lemon pledge rub,

The way my kitchen looks all tidied up,

I love the ordinary. 

The smell of sourdough in the toaster shrinking, 

The aroma from a teabag in my white mug steaming, 

The firm butter on the table gently melting, 

I love the ordinary. 

The sound of water gushing over me, 

The feel of hot water cleansing all of me, 

The heat of water comforting weary me, 

I love the ordinary. 

A head on blast of chilly air, 

The push of people rushing everywhere,

A noisy train taking me somewhere,

I love the ordinary. 

In smiles exchanged that reach the eyes, 

In words spoken that try to be wise,

In hugs goodbye where friendship resides, 

I love the ordinary. 

In each moment of every single day,

Life happens, but where are we?

Absent as minutes pass, hours run away,

Hunting the extra-ordinary. 

Celebrate the laundry, the toast, the tea, the train,

The smiles, the words, the hugs, goodbye’s refrain. 

Ordinary moments when all of me is present all the way, 

Listening, sensing, truly seeing, 

The ordinary, imperfectly perfect day.

Pav 

12th Feb 2024

Thanks for reading!

On the eve of 2024

On a clear night, my view of the east of London stretches for miles, with lights twinkling like a sea of jewels, adding a sparkle to the horizon. As 2023 draws to a close I look back over the year, and I realise that my year has been filled with moments that have reminded me time and again that I am a survivor. My life is a sea of ups and downs, and each time, I’ve survived. 

Surviving unending heartbreak (the heart never recovers), divorce ptsd (the soul never forgets), chronic health issues (the body never heals), worrying insanely about my kids, selling my home, buying a home, moving house three times, moving across continents, starting uni, managing uni, living on my own for the first time in decades… it seems like 2023 has flown by in a complete daze. And somehow, I’ve survived it. I’m frankly rather exhausted on many levels, but I really do think surviving is what I do best. 

I’ve often wanted to shift gears and get to “thriving” instead, as if it was a level up from merely “surviving”. I’m going to stop wanting more and simply be grateful for what I have done, and what I am. I think I am content with surviving. I’m bloody good at it, and I’d like a medal but hey, I’ll settle for patting myself on the back. No matter what life throws at me, I always bounce back, I never give up, I keep soldiering on. I am a survivor. 

My life, a sea of shining moments that remind me of where I’ve been, what I’ve endured, and what I do best. I survive. And that is truly enough. 

Well done, my dear family and friends for getting through 2023 and all that it brought you, with your own sea of ups and downs. May you look back and see the moments when you shone best, especially in the darkest of hours. May you know how far you have come, and all that you have accomplished as you kept moving forward. 

Here’s wishing us all the continual strength, tenacity and determination to get through 2024. Happiest of New Year greetings to all, and all good things always for you and yours. 

With much love and affection, 

Pav

31/12/23

Truly Human, and Unafraid to Feel

One of the reasons we all love watching movies or plays is because actors and actresses get to portray the fullest possible range of human emotions. All the emotions we are too frightened to give in to, to feel, to display, to experience. All the emotions that if others saw in us, we’d be afraid they wouldn’t love us or they’d leave us, or despise us. 

So we weep alongside these portrayals of sorrow, loss, grief, anger, hopelessness, and rage. We are moved to tears by displays of joy, love, hope and faith, all the good that is battling to take the upper hand in us. Sometimes we are moved by the total numbness of not feeling a single thing, a luxury often not afforded to us because we have to function for others who need a smile, our loving and mindful presence, and our shoulder to lean on whilst we remain propped up on thin air, it might seem. 

Watching others vent what we cannot articulate is cathartic. Sometimes it helps us understand our own pain better, and give a name to what we thought we felt, even if we never truly recognised its magnitude, submerged as it may have been somewhere deeply within our subconscious mind, pushed away by a lurking fear of the unknown, and the potential enormity of what we have experienced. It is an enormity we do not dare to face. 

And so we live vicariously through the generosity of talented individuals who take on our limitations and help us release ourselves from them, setting us free to be truly human, and unafraid to feel whatever it is that we must, while knowing that perhaps we never truly can. Fully human, and unafraid to feel, that would be wonderful. 

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

What Letting Go Might Look Like (July, 2022)

Today is the 5th anniversary of my divorce, and as I woke up this morning I remembered what is was like to tearfully read the Decree Nisi Absolute that would replace my marriage certificate, and to try and comprehend those inexplicable words about my marriage having been “dissolved”. Dissolved? Like a spoonful of salt crystals in water? Isn’t that just salt in another form? What a silly word to use. One doesn’t simply dissolve anything immediately, nor cut ties cleanly, in fact, it takes tonnes of trauma, and loads of healing time to get to a place where you no longer care. 

Today, I realised that I no longer care. I did, once, very deeply love someone, and it was truly beautiful while it lasted, and truly frightening when it ended. But it did end, and while I struggled to accept its end, to let go, and to set myself free, I slowly saw that when love dies in someone indifference takes its place. 

An indifference to the sufferings of the chronically ill, an indifference to the struggles of single motherhood, an indifference to the emotional and psychological anguish of having one’s heart ripped out, and navigating the horrors of heartbreak alone, an indifference to just about anything in my life… and I realised that love cannot always win over indifference. If anything, one should stop loving the indifferent and cut loose from the one sided farce of being told by others that love, grace and mercy will win over hearts. I think love has a better chance against pure hatred than it does against indifference. Some hearts do not want to be won over, and one should close the door so firmly upon them lest they crush us with the weight of their uncaring indifference. I felt it crushing my soul because I cared so much, but I knew I had to shut the door and stop caring altogether. 

And so I did. Slowly but surely, I cut myself loose. Then one day, I let myself feel the anger, grief and hurt that I had suppressed, and I shut the door so hard that I knew there was no going back. I let go, telling myself that I deserve better, I deserve to be loved for who I am with all my imperfections, and that I cannot and must never depend on those who had abandoned me in my hour of need. I’ve always struggled to be firm with shutting doors that way, but now it’s much easier. Perhaps I am older, and just tired of playing nice, or trying to please, or being some kind of half baked paragon of grace, constantly battling with and suppressing my true feelings so God can work through me. I think God doesn’t need me to do His work in indifferent hearts. God wants me to preserve my own. 

I let go, and I feel free. Free in all of my relationships. So very free not to care about those who don’t care for me. So very free not to cross an ocean for those who wouldn’t cross a puddle for me. So very free to truly be myself, unvarnished and yet clearly beautiful. Even saying that is so hard for me, but I do want to say it. I’m a gem of a person, and anybody who doesn’t see that or value me doesn’t deserve my care, affection or love. 

So today I no longer care. I don’t live in a space of hurt and rejection any more, I refuse to do so. I’m not some sad victim, I’m a victor who has triumphed over a fair bit of difficulty in life, while creating opportunities for myself and raising four children. I remind myself every day to live my life fully, to love those who love me, and to pursue my own happiness. All of life’s relationships, no matter how much we love unconditionally, require reciprocity. When reciprocity is absent it’s best to reserve energy for others, to focus elsewhere, to pursue those who choose us. I’m excited to see where my life takes me, learning to love myself for who I am, looking forward to whoever steps in and out of my world, and I’m busy creating adventures for my own life. 

I no longer care, and I’m in a good place.

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

(Wrote this elsewhere on July 19th, 2022. A useful reminder to self.)

On the Eve of my Departure to London

Happily I have practically sorted out a myriad of things over several weeks and am now ready to fly to London tomorrow. So many things to think about as I moved house, set up a new home temporarily, and saw to all kinds of things with various deadlines. Relocating is a big job! I’m planning a year away, but who knows really. It’s my adventure, and even I don’t quite know where it’s headed. 

The plan is to renovate my new apartment in Singapore. Discussed early reno ideas with ID guy, and am trying not to have a forest theme in my new apartment (resist!). I’m feeling the slightly kooky bohemian nature lover side of me kicking in. Lots of interesting ideas, I just need to decide on what I like. That seems to be harder than I thought. I like many different things! 

Had to prep the new apartment for reno by making sure nothing I wanted remained here. Stuffed a bunch of important recyclables into storage, and have nothing left that I want to keep in my apartment pre-reno. Well, almost, but it’s really about learning to let go. Easier said than done, but ever so necessary at times. 

Said goodbye to very few people because I’m not going away forever, I think. Even if I were to, I’d still be in touch. Forever isn’t as long or as far as it sounds. It’s a year in London with options to remain, or return, or basically do whatever I feel like… the world is my oyster! And we’re in touch online so much as it is, that it might just feel the same, only harder to meet up for masala tea with friends!

Made an appointment with a gastro specialist in London to jump start my monthly jabs in September, and am looking forward to meeting the esteemed Prof Peter Irving, who looks like a movie star. Hehe :)  Gastro doctors are always so encouraging, and gutsy, I’m happy to meet more good ones. 

Transferred dear helper Ina to Grandma Dadiji who wanted a new helper, and both are overjoyed at the arrangements. Ina said, “This way I will have a chance to see you and the kids again”. We hugged and cried. She has been an invaluable help to me in many ways, especially with the house move, and the dogs. She cried when the dogs left for London. Her babies! 

The dogs landed safely in London, and were greeted with much joy by eldest son, his housemate, and dear daughter, who washed them and took them for walkies to the park and to the pub. Lucky doggies! I do hope they’ll enjoy their lives in the UK. I rather think they will. 

I’ve been tearful, saying and hugging goodbye. I don’t know why, really, but I think I should explore my feelings a bit more. It’s my great adventure… why am I sad? Even my doctor asked me to cheer up! I think I’m just exhausted from planning and executing a massive move while trying to stay well. It’s taken a toll. Plus, it’s the closing of a chapter, in the book of my life, such as it is. A huge chapter, hung in limbo, waiting for closure, and now that closure is seemingly here, I’m reminded that I’m a slow processor of everything that happens to me, and that really, there is no closure for some things in life. We simply learn to live with the wounds in our lives, and allow suffering to transform us, as we move on with grace and dignity. I’m trying, and some days it’s just hard. 

Here’s to restful days over celebrations for eldest son’s grad, a short holiday with dear daughter in Cornwall, a quick farewell to second and youngest sons off to uni, and a happy settling into classes of my own over the next few weeks. Plenty to celebrate in all our lives. 

I’ve enrolled into my course successfully, signed up for extra Intro to Anthropology refresher courses, started reading ahead and am asking myself how I can bring all my knowledge (such as it is), years of varied experience, and a multiplicity of interests together to create something new and meaningful for me. That’s exciting! 

The nitty gritty of temporary accommodations and then moving into my rental flat and setting up home, and grocery shopping and cooking for one… that sounds vaguely exciting too. I dont know how to cook for one! Haha! No mutton curry for just me! Here’s to a simpler life of less fuss, do what I like when I like, and nobody else to worry about unless they message me and need me. Otherwise, I’m busy living my life, adjusting to doing everything myself in a smaller space, and happily enjoying peace and quiet… until it gets too quiet. Haha! 

Standby museums and musicals, theatre and travels, parks and pubs, classes and classmates, lectures and lecturers, assignments and academics… here I come! I’m excited!!!

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

Pix of Ina and me in the kitchen today. I shall miss her sweet soul. ❤️

When You Are Silent, And I Am Quiet

(A poem from July 2020) 

WHEN YOU ARE SILENT, AND I AM QUIET. 

When you are silent, and I am quiet, 

Does that mean that we agree? 

Or are we simply waiting for one of us to do the deed, 

And for the axe to fall? 

When you are silent, and I am quiet,

Does that mean that we are dishonest? 

Or are we simply unable to find the words to express our truth,

Hiding behind veils of secrecy?

When you are silent, and I am quiet,

Does that mean that we are cowardly? 

Or are we simply saving energy,

Knowing this isn't worth fighting for? 

When you are silent, and I am quiet,

Does that mean that we are hopeful?

Or are we simply waiting for events to unfold, 

That hasten the end of all things? 

When you are silent, and I am quiet,

That means that we are grieving, 

Knowing well that thoughts unspoken and words unsaid

Mark the death knell of anything good between us. 

When you are silent, and I am quiet, 

Then it's truly over before it ever began.

Silently and Quietly,

Pav 

23rd July 2020

Thanks for reading. 

The Second Chance

(A poem I wrote in April 2019)

THE SECOND CHANCE

When the sun set and darkness fell, I knew.

The day's deeds were done.

No going back, no fixing wrongs or making right, in your book.

What's done is done. 

"They are no more second chances for you", you said.  

For years I tormented myself with grieving despair. 

"Why am I not good enough to deserve a second chance?"

One New Year's morning the sun rises and I catch it as the day blooms. 

The truth dawns on me. 

"I am good enough". 

And yet every new day is a second chance to be a better version of myself.

You said once, "It is too late". 

The sunrise tells me it is never "too late" with God.

God's grace and mercy are unending, every single new day.

HE is my second chance.

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

9th April 2019

Pix of sunrise taken by me from my roof garden, New Year's Day, 2019