Somehow as one grows older one seems to have so many more weddings to attend and almost as many funerals to go to as well. While one is a happy occasion the other is an overwhelmingly sad one. Occasionally in between these life events would be the most joyous time of all… the birth of a baby into the family or to a friend. Almost as if God gives, God takes away, but then He gives some more… and the cycle of life continues.
In my younger days I found it easier to attend every wedding I was invited to, be at every funeral I was connected with, visit with every new parent that I knew in my life. I loved the feeling of being a part of something larger than myself. I loved that my kids knew that there were these major events that sometimes involved their attendance, but many times did not, yet they knew the importance of them. Sometimes I reveled in helping out a friend in need. I would cook and deliver a meal, or visit an ill friend in hospital, or sit with someone in mourning… I gave more freely of myself, my time, and my energy… and I enjoyed it all from the depth of my heart.
As I have aged, and continued living with Crohn’s Disease I have found that my energy levels are lower, and I seem to have so much on my plate with 4 kids, my part time work and studies and just managing a household that I no longer enjoy weddings, no longer am able to emotionally manage attending a funeral, no longer reach out to those in need… not entirely because I do not want to, but because I struggle with pain on a daily basis and it makes it very hard for me to do those things. Sometimes I have resorted to selecting the events I will and can attend, and simply declining to attend others, partly to preserve my energy, partly to preserve my sanity.
I am sure I have offended people in the process. People who wanted my company or my presence, hopefully because they really wanted me, and not seat fillers J. People whom I knew but hardly met with in the course of the year would be upset by my lack of attendance at their important life events. I think these people do not know that living with chronic illness drains the very life out of a person every single day… and by nightfall I am a limp rag. I have dragged myself to events… only to find myself suffering from a migraine, or having to be on my best behavior when all I want to do is slump in a chair and sleep… how not to offend people and still be true to yourself and your needs? It’s a very tall order indeed.
I often surround myself with people who understand my needs because I find it less stressful. I find it so good to be on my own when I am in pain or have had a bad night’s sleep that these days I have become quite home bound, entirely by choice. Is this a passing stage in my life? Will I break out of this and rediscover my old self – the one who kept in touch with people and knew their needs, and actually went out of her way to help others?
Part of the problem also lies in dealing with the feeling that haunts me sometimes… the feeling that I reach out to many, but very few seem to reach out in return to me, and sometimes I wonder if this is because I am too naïve, too giving and too easily hurt and not managing my own expectations. The challenge is to keep giving and not expecting anything in return… but it has become harder for me as I have aged. Perhaps it is because I have endured considerable hurt this past year especially with my father’s passing, that I find I do not want to go out on a limb as I once did, but prefer to curl up in a corner with a book, or a movie, or my computer, and often all 3... and let the world go by.
I enjoy snuggling with my younger kids, and making small inroads into the world of teenagers and preteens… and this alone takes up a lot of my time… unbelievable but true! I enjoy quiet moments with my dear husband after a busy day and all the kids are in bed and we watch tv together or talk about our house project, or work, or some issue with the kids. I enjoy watching old classic movies on tv when the kids are at school, with a cup of tea and a slice of something to tide me through the crazy hours when they are all home until they go to bed…
More insular, more introspective, more alone, more with the ones I love the most, and who love me in return… this is what makes me happy, this is what I choose.
Thanks for reading!
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