Staying authentic through Quarantinitis (29.04.20)

 (A reflection I wrote on 29/04/20)

What does one name a mysterious sense of listlessness despite being busy, and an underlying nagging sensation of dissatisfaction despite having everything one could need while being at home for weeks? I call it "Quarantinitis". A sense that something is wrong despite everything appearing to be right. Some kind of low level, almost inflammatory, unsettling wave, that ripples through you every now and then when you pause long enough to think about it. 

It isn't ennui per se because you have plenty to do at home and life isn't aimless. It isn't full blown depression because you do get out of bed daily and do the things you need and want to do, and they do bring you satisfaction. It isn't a lack of joy in living life because you still find joy in even the smallest of things, even at home. It isn't deep despair because life is still very much worth the living, and you have hope for the future. It isn't a numbness of heart that disables you from feeling a full range of emotions because you feel them all, especially at home. It isn't deep grief over any loss you feel being at home for weeks, and yet you do miss the things you freely enjoyed before. It isn't deep dissatisfaction with life because you remind yourself that you have so much to be grateful for, and truly you do.

But it is some kind of borderline dissatisfaction or vague unhappiness or slight sadness that you experience and attempt to address in quarantine every day. You tell yourself not to dwell on what is missing but on what you have. To be truly, deeply, genuinely grateful for all that you have because others have so little, and yet on some level, that doesn't offer you enough comfort. You can't help having more of the material things in life, you just do. And your feelings and emotions, whatever minor or major thread of dissatisfaction runs through them, are real. 

We are often told to look at things relatively, and to do a comparative analysis of sorts with the underprivileged to see that really, we aren't so badly off because we have a beautiful home, plenty of food on the table, privileged kids who go to good schools, and can afford more than the simple niceties of life. In fact, many of us live in relative luxury to most of the world. And yet our feelings and emotions are as primeval as those of our ancestors, and very much a part of our shared humanity no matter what our position in social hierarchies.

I grow weary of people reminding me of how good my life is and in the process, unknowingly negating the validity of my feelings and emotions. Yes, I have everything I need, and more than enough, but I can feel sadness, despair, grief, dissatisfaction, lack and loss, just like everyone else. To be told to count my blessings everyday is a helpful exercise but only if I have been listened to in the first instance, my feelings have been validated, my inner self has been seen, and made to feel visible, and I am able to process my feelings over time. To gloss over this process is to hinder the healing and growth of the soul.  

A blanket, "Be grateful for everything you have, you're so blessed!" or "What have you got to complain about, you're so lucky!", doesn't help provide space for those feelings and emotions to exist, and for you to sit with them. It only serves to bury feelings which can fester, and eventually lead to dissonance and despair. The soul suffocates and shrivels up because it cannot bear the burden of not meeting someone else's expectations of grateful living, and feels that something must be wrong with it, when, in fact, its needs were never acknowledged in the first place. 

It doesn't help to be told that one shouldn't be sad because there are far sadder people in the world, with the logical extension of that being that one shouldn't be happy either, because there will always be people who are happier than us. It's totally dismissive, and highly illogical. Even people who seemingly have everything can experience lack and loss in their lives. It's part of being human. As are compassion, understanding and empathy, all of which seem to be in short order these days.

Quarantinitis affects everybody in different ways. It's a relief to have basic needs more than met, and to be able to address emotional needs. Those emotional needs are important, and shouldn't be minimised in anybody. A big part of living a meaningful life involves dealing with one's feelings and emotions and the work that entails. It's the work of a lifetime, growing one's soul. Hopefully, being in quarantine is a good time to reflect and introspect... in addition to disinfect! 

Don't deny your feelings and emotions, dear friends. May your quarantinitis be lessened as you find those who can listen to you, and understand how you feel, and help the authentic you be visible. If you need to speak to someone, you can speak to me. Hugs and love, and stay safe. ❤

#Quarantinitis #StayAtHome #StaySane #StayConnected #PavListens #PatientVoices

Thanks for reading,

Pav

 

Be still and let it go (26.04.20)

(Posting a reflection I wrote a year ago on 26/04/20)

Living with a chronic illness like Crohn's disease prepares you for life in the midst of a pandemic. Essentially, you learn to be still, and to let go. You let go of dreams, hopes, plans, people, and even a part of yourself when you live with pain, diarrhoeas, gut obstructions, liquid diets, food restrictions, hospitalisations, surgeries, joint pains, migraines, and the side effects of powerful medications.

You learn to adapt, to be flexible, to be in limbo, to be forced to be still, to rely on yourself, to listen to your body and your own small voice, to defer instant gratification, to be alone but not lonely, to smell the roses and watch the birds, to appreciate the people who choose to remain in your life, to find meaning in the smallest of things, and to enlarge your heart with gratitude for all that remains. Life, interrupted, but life all the same, and a life of great value. 

And here we are in the middle of a pandemic and the whole world is at a standstill, almost forced to do what I've been doing for years. Being still. Discovering that solitude is not loneliness. That being flexible and going with the flow is better than fighting upstream and frustrating yourself. That you cannot always have what you want, when you want it. That some dreams, hopes, plans, people, and even a part of yourself will have to go, released from the grasp of your frightened clutches as you open your hands and say, "I let go". Tears flow, and fears threaten to overwhelm but you find courage in knowing that this is truly the only way forward. To let go is to choose life. 

It's almost like a part of you has to die, so you can keep on living. The thing to do is to recognise that part of you that is dying, stop fighting its demise, release it, grieve over it, and accept that it is gone. The death of any part of us is so painful, partly because we fear change and the unknown. Change is truly the only constant in life. Accept that, and the fact that life is full of all kinds of inescapable loss. Find peace in the loss, and make peace with yourself and the suffering world around you, and maybe find a way to be grateful, both for the good things, and the not so good things in your life. 

I've lived with chronic illness for 24 years now, and letting go has kept me sane. Things do strangely have a way of working out even when we stop fighting for what we desire. We need to let go of what we want and how we think things should be in our lives and accept what is, so we can be at peace, and happy. Sometimes, being still and letting go is the best thing to do.

Wishing my dear FB frens peace and happiness in the midst of our unique, and yet shared, circumstances. Hugs and love to all. Blessed Sunday! ❤

Thanks for reading, 

Pav