Be still and let it go (26.04.20)

(Posting a reflection I wrote a year ago on 26/04/20)

Living with a chronic illness like Crohn's disease prepares you for life in the midst of a pandemic. Essentially, you learn to be still, and to let go. You let go of dreams, hopes, plans, people, and even a part of yourself when you live with pain, diarrhoeas, gut obstructions, liquid diets, food restrictions, hospitalisations, surgeries, joint pains, migraines, and the side effects of powerful medications.

You learn to adapt, to be flexible, to be in limbo, to be forced to be still, to rely on yourself, to listen to your body and your own small voice, to defer instant gratification, to be alone but not lonely, to smell the roses and watch the birds, to appreciate the people who choose to remain in your life, to find meaning in the smallest of things, and to enlarge your heart with gratitude for all that remains. Life, interrupted, but life all the same, and a life of great value. 

And here we are in the middle of a pandemic and the whole world is at a standstill, almost forced to do what I've been doing for years. Being still. Discovering that solitude is not loneliness. That being flexible and going with the flow is better than fighting upstream and frustrating yourself. That you cannot always have what you want, when you want it. That some dreams, hopes, plans, people, and even a part of yourself will have to go, released from the grasp of your frightened clutches as you open your hands and say, "I let go". Tears flow, and fears threaten to overwhelm but you find courage in knowing that this is truly the only way forward. To let go is to choose life. 

It's almost like a part of you has to die, so you can keep on living. The thing to do is to recognise that part of you that is dying, stop fighting its demise, release it, grieve over it, and accept that it is gone. The death of any part of us is so painful, partly because we fear change and the unknown. Change is truly the only constant in life. Accept that, and the fact that life is full of all kinds of inescapable loss. Find peace in the loss, and make peace with yourself and the suffering world around you, and maybe find a way to be grateful, both for the good things, and the not so good things in your life. 

I've lived with chronic illness for 24 years now, and letting go has kept me sane. Things do strangely have a way of working out even when we stop fighting for what we desire. We need to let go of what we want and how we think things should be in our lives and accept what is, so we can be at peace, and happy. Sometimes, being still and letting go is the best thing to do.

Wishing my dear FB frens peace and happiness in the midst of our unique, and yet shared, circumstances. Hugs and love to all. Blessed Sunday! ❤

Thanks for reading, 

Pav