Death is Easier Than Divorce

(A reflection I wrote on Christmas eve, in 2017, the year I got divorced. I still haven’t written this book. Perhaps some day I will.)

Today I woke up at 6am and lying in bed, I drafted the introduction to one of my many possible books. This one is vaguely entitled "The Death of Marriage: When Your Spouse Lives On", and is meant to be a comparative look at divorce and death with the premise being that while both involve immense loss and grief, divorce is possibly far more heart breaking. 

The spouse continues to be a living reminder of everything that was lost and so "closure", "letting go" and "moving on" are incredibly difficult to achieve. Many people are clueless when dealing with death, but I have noticed that far more are helplessly lost when it comes to relating with someone who is living through divorce. People need help understanding how they can help. 

Unfortunately, I didn't have my laptop with me, and so all my thoughts flew up to the ceiling where they wafted into the ether and vanished. Would a book like that be useful? I wonder. I think so much in life brings loss and grief. I know illness does too, in addition to the death of a loved one, the end of a friendship, the loss of a romantic relationship, and divorce etc. 

But never, in all my life, have I felt the kind of pain, grief, hurt, isolation, rejection and deep loneliness that comes with divorce. Nothing prepares you for it. Nobody seems prepared for its impact and so everybody stumbles along waiting for some happy end to your pain so they can relate to you again and all the while you were alone in your suffering. 

You are not now the grieving widow deserving of empathy or sympathy but simply vaguely somebody's insignificant other, and nobody really knows what to do with you. And so they do nothing, and this nothing speaks loudest because the echoes from the silence reverberate round your own empty, hollowed out heart and remind you that truly, in all of life's darkest moments, we are alone. 

Oh my. I think I sense the introduction returning. Slowly, the words are falling back down from wherever they floated to, and back into my heart. A book is waiting to be written. Hopefully more than just an introduction. Perhaps a long essay. Oops, my vision is shrinking. Enlarge your vision, see open horizons and embrace the pain so you can transform it into something meaningful. Making meaning out of life's sufferings brings hope, and without a vision and without hope, we will surely perish on the inside. 

The moral of this story: Bring your laptop to bed. Plenty of space there for it. Haha :) Put those thoughts down. 2018 beckons. Be the writer you can be. Find the force within you. Strong you shall be. Write you must. Do it. Focus.

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

(View from my home office, a perfect place for writing)