Defying Being Defined by Disease

I am more than the sum of my bodily parts. I am more than the soul that inhabits my body. I am a part of something bigger than myself. I am part of humanity. That sea of bodies and their incumbent souls that moves upon this earth as would many millions of ants upon the sand.

And like the ants that swarm about, each one similar and yet uniquely different, so too in this sea of people are we similar and yet not the same. Bodies that look and function the same, and yet the indwelling soul distinctly different and apart.

And unlike the ants that scurry about, each one dedicated to its own task for the survival of the colony, we do not live and work for the survival, the existence or even the betterment of humanity. We live pretty much for ourselves.

Living for myself in my own little world takes me away from my fellow brethren with whom I have an unbreakable bond. Living for myself means I am isolated from that which makes me whole. Living for myself cripples my soul.

And yet to live for others requires energy. Energy to listen, to talk, to visit, to be with in silence...the kind of energy that is life giving and yet draining. It gives life to those who receive it and drains those who give it. I do not have that energy these days. I am drained simply by being.

To live for others requires love. Love to put aside one's own desires and noisy needs and to listen to others speak of their own struggles and troubles. In giving this love one receives love also, and life is enriched. I do not have that love because often times I am drowning in my own needs and struggles and troubles.

A life lived for others demands an openness and strength of heart. A heart that gives and also receives. A heart that feels the pain of others but can bear that pain without falling apart itself. I do not have that heart. I feel too deeply, fall apart too easily, the sorrows of this world affect me to my core. I build walls around my heart to keep out the pain and in so doing, my brothers and sisters too.

But this was not always so. In a not so distant past I lived more freely for others. I enjoyed nothing more. I found meaning in a life of service and in giving of myself. But Crohn's Disease changed all that. I now find it all too much. Exhaustion, and the side effects of medication make it difficult for me to function some days, so much so that I have had to draw a line around the few that I can live for, and live with, and that understand me and what I am going through, and for me that is enough.

Is my life, my very existence, being defined by disease? I ask myself this often. I have changed in many ways since my illness, but I have also aged, and how many of us have the energy we had at 40 that we once had at 20? I have had 4 kids, and how many Mums out there can find the energy or time to do much for others, when really being there for family takes everything out of us?

I defy being defined by disease. Yes, it is a big part of my life. Yes, not a single day passes when I don't think about it. Yes, I am changed. But I embrace myself. This new me isn't a "bad" me. It's a focussed me. One who has recognized her limitations and is honest to herself in saying that she cannot be all things to all people, just some things to a very few people.

I am more than the sum of all my bodily parts, diseased or otherwise. I am more than my soul trapped in a decaying body. I belong to the sea that is humanity, and yet within that sea, I am a secret cove, where people who know how to find me may find refuge and rest, and peace from the storms of life...a listening ear, a sympathetic and empathetic heart, laughter and tears, and whatever else I can offer.

If you're reading this, well, you've found me :)

Thanks for reading!

Pav