If I Hurt You, I Hurt Myself

An old reflection, from Sept 2016. 

I love this statement, "The mark you leave in another's heart is also left on yours" by Bryant McGill. An interesting thought, and one I have known to be true. That's why being kind is important, not only for the good it brings to others but for the good it brings to you. I have often felt that "if I hurt you, I hurt myself" applies in my life and in my interactions with others. It's a concept that extends especially to those we love and yet also to those we do not love. We are all interconnected somehow by virtue of our humanity. 

How deep and troubling is our struggle then when we are forced to take action to protect ourselves and in so doing we have to hurt others. Sometimes in life you simply have to do this. It's the hardest thing ever, to close a door that's been wanting to close, to leave it shut, to nail it shut even, and in the process feel the pain of those nails in your own heart. Love never dies. It never does. And so the nails we hammer into doors that need to remain closed serve only to remind us that sometimes in life we do have to hurt ourselves by hurting others, simply because it's what they want and it's what we need. You let people go because they want to leave, and in so doing you feel the deepest pain you'll ever know. 

The crucifixion of your own heart. 

All that keeps you going is the hope of a resurrection some day soon. That all that was good and kind and joyful and loving will come alive in your numb heart once more and the doors of your heart will open again because it'll be safe to fling them wide and feel alive. Until then one waits in the tomb, shrouded in the cold, dark womb of metamorphosis like the caterpillar awaiting the butterfly. It's a long process. Be still, my beating heart, embrace the numbness you feel... it's in survival mode. This, too, shall pass.

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

(10th Sept 2016)

The Beauty of Brunch

Brunch. That mid or late morning meal that is both breakfast and lunch. But also a term that means so much more. One of my fav brunch spots is 5 Oars Coffee Roasters in Siglap. A short walk from home, and I’m there. Ready to enjoy a delicious brekkie-lunch combo. 

But really, brunch isn’t about the food for me. It’s about sitting with a person and catching up, one to one. Getting to know them better, and deepening a friendship. A proper heart to heart that moves beyond “What’s been happening?” to “How are you coping?”, and hopefully to “How can I help?”. Sometimes it’s even like rummaging about in your own heart, and spring cleaning. You discover things hidden away that come into the light, and the mere articulation to another of events, emotions, hopes, and fears brings clarity. 

That clarity bit is a little like my counselling sessions, except this is with a friend, usually with a shared history, and there’s mutual reciprocity. They also open up, as clarity comes from the affirmation of someone who truly hears and sees them. That’s the thing about brunch. It’s time carved out for reciprocal sharing, a giving and also receiving, speaking and also listening. It’s meant to be life giving, not soul draining. Sounds simple but it isn’t. One must intentionally determine to foster that reciprocity, and sometimes we do forget how necessary it is. Brunch is not a one sided convo. 

It’s not an open, single slice of buttered sourdough toast with all of me laid out on it. It’s a sandwich, of two happily met slices of buttered sourdough toast, with all sorts of fillings and flavours, constructed throughout brunch itself. A dash of spicy, a pinch of salty, a splash of silly, maybe a spill of tears, a rash of regret, a gaggle of giggles… all washed down with cups of warm affection on endless refill. 

The creation of a safe space between friends is a reciprocal thing that invites participation, welcoming the other into the shared space. The participation in opening up, being vulnerable, sharing deeply, baring one’s soul even… these are all optional add ons to the brunch menu. You must choose them, but only if you want to indulge. 

I think of them as essentials, really, and at brunch I always have them on my plate. I don’t do brunch otherwise. Why waste time being superficial when we can dive deep? 

Pix from 5 Oars Coffee Roasters while waiting for an old dear friend for brunch yesterday. Was a perfect brunch! We made a marvellous sandwich. ❤️

Thanks for reading, 

Pav