Humanely Healing One's Soul

On days when I am in pain, or feeling down, whatever the reason, I try to tell myself that life is still pretty good and really, that I can't complain. And so I don't, or at least I try not to, but I think that I am doing myself a disservice of sorts. I should allow myself to feel my pain, to acknowledge that I am sad, or depressed or hurting, no matter what my seemingly happier circumstances may be.

While I remain grateful that I have a lovely home for now, have food if I can eat it, have beautiful children who love me, have a wonderful helper, have two crazy dogs, clothes  etc and all my basic necessities met and then some... I think it's important to be able to feel those so called "negative" emotions even if I have all those things.

Every so often I am told to count my blessings, and I do find that extremely useful. Gratitude helps and I remind myself of that. What troubles me is the lack of validation for my feelings, by me and by others. Surely my feelings are just as valid as anyone else's or should they be dismissed out of hand because I am blessed with so much?

Sometimes feelings of sorrow or grief cannot, and should not, be suppressed by forcing one's self to be grateful. They fester, like a bad wound that never heals. Sometimes these feelings need a good airing without being restrained by having to count one's blessings all the time.

Sometimes misery is simply miserable. But not forever. It does look towards blessings and begin counting them, but only if it has worked its way through the soul. I don't think misery can do that if gratitude suffocates it in the first instance. So yeah. Some days when I feel saddest I don't plan on counting my every blessing too quickly. I don't mean to wallow in misery either.

I just want to acknowledge the validity of my feelings no matter how wonderful my life is supposed to be. I think that will make me more human. It's certainly the more humane way of dealing with my own soul. Being kind to myself includes patiently listening to and sitting with the pain and hurt, sorrow and grief that I face. To suppress or ignore them is to oppress my own soul.

Plenty of time to count my many blessings that are so obviously present in my life once I have looked my pain in the eyes, and wept beside it, and embraced it, and let it go. Then I can look at the blessings, and healing, already begun like a bud in spring, will bloom in my soul. And always, the knowledge that this process will repeat itself, over and over again, and perhaps the pain will dim in time, and perhaps it won't. But that's perfectly fine. That's life.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Musings on my Counselling Internship

One of the frustrating things I have struggled with on my MA in Counselling internship is the fact that very few clients actually want to find solutions to their problems. They mostly want to vent. There I am, listening closely and picking up on issues to follow through on in our therapeutic conversation, all the while trying to stay mentally present rather than planning interventions to address problems on the spot. Listen, listen, listen. 

And there they are, going round in circles talking endlessly about their problems, and just letting it all out with no sense of ownership of issues or any idea of the need to break out of the negative cycles they are trapped in and resolve their problems. Talk, talk, talk.

Perhaps this, too, is counselling?

Maybe for the first few sessions people really do want to let it all out and vent away, largely because they have not had a chance to talk to anybody about their pain and problems yet. Maybe all they need is the sense of relief and release that comes when one human being unburdens to another. Maybe that catharsis begins the healing process, and then one can talk about interventions and plans to deal with problems later on.

Empathic listening is the primary skill needed by the counsellor, in the first instance. And bucket loads of patience. Oh, and the ability to set aside one's own pain while addressing another's. We are, each of us, wounded healers bringing our pain with us to every encounter with other wounded healers. That's why counsellors need counselling too. 

Knowing the theory and practicing it are separate things too. Acknowledging one's own need for help keeps things authentic and real. Experiencing the relief of unburdening to another enhances one's ability to identify with others in need. I know counselling, whether  venting or problem solving, works because I have benefitted from it too.

Counsellors should never stop receiving counselling themselves, whether it's the venting or the problem solving kind or both... keep it real by being real. Think I may be due for a few sessions myself. "Counsellor, counsel thyself" doesn't work. I tried. I vented away but was a rather poor listener. :) I am glad it doesn't work because it reinforces the notion that the human element is important.

The other person in the therapeutic relationship is essential. The other wounded healer, knowing that their wounds allow them to be sensitive to yours but not overwhelmed by either party's wounds. It's a dance of sorts. Time for more lessons, more practice, new shoes, fresh music, a sparkling repertoire of new steps and always the flexibility to adapt to just about anything. Bring it on!

Thanks for reading,

Pav