Forgiveness is Freedom

Forgiveness is Freedom

To the good time buddies who left when the bad times rolled in, I say thank you. 

To the happy go lucky types who shrank away when sadly, my luck ran dry, I say thank you. 

To the fun loving, laughing ones who ran when the dam broke and tears flooded the space between us, I say thank you. 

To the surface breathers who left when I wandered into the depths, seeking authenticity, I say thank you. 

To the awkward, fumbling ones who never knew what to say to my grief, waiting for me to ease their discomfort, I say thank you. 

To the users and abusers who cast me aside when they had drained me dry, I say thank you. 

To the smooth talking, truth twisters who said one thing but did another, I say thank you. 

To the preservers of optics who turned a blind eye to my true suffering just to look good themselves, I say thank you. 

To the egotistical accusers who exaggerated my faults to hide their own, I say thank you. 

To the angry who demanded tolerance and respect while being intolerant and disrespectful themselves, I say thank you. 

To the unkind and cruel who cut me down to shreds and crushed my heart, I say thank you. 

To the selfish souls who trampled on me to get ahead in life, I say thank you. 

To the unmindful ones who looked at me but did not see me, I say thank you. 

To the hurried ones who heard my voice but turned a deaf ear to my words, I say thank you. 

To the strong, healthy ones who failed to understand my infirmity and weakness, I say thank you.

To the darkly troubled ones who looked away from my soul, afraid of their own inadequacies, I say thank you. 

To the graceless and merciless who did not recognise the suffering of God in my pain, I say thank you. 

To all the hurting, broken people I have encountered who have hurt and broken me, I say thank you. 

To all those that have hurt me somehow, somewhere, sometime... I say thank you. 

Thank you for the lessons I learnt, for the strength I grew, for the grace I saw multiplied in my life. 

For all these souls, I pray, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do".

And for my soul, I pray, "Father, forgive me, for I know what I have not done".

"Help me to forgive, so I may thank You. Forgiveness is freedom. Come, set me free. I choose freedom everyday."

Pavitar

24th October 2021

Taking Stock on World Mental Health Day

It's World Mental Health Day, and I am reminded of what one of my kids said to me. "Mum, you're a good counsellor, you should listen to your own advice". Ooops. I've been feeling very low, and as I have talked with clients, and listened to their voices telling me their pain, I've realised my own pain was growing, though I didn't know why. I heard my own voice, guiding clients through the maze but I myself was getting lost. Why can't I counsel myself? I think the key is simply that it needs two (or more) people to engage in the therapeutic process, to listen, encourage, guide, empathise, understand and basically help healing flow through them. I can't do all that for myself, it truly takes two to tango.

Some nameless grief seems to have overtaken me. So many levels of suffering that need revisiting, tending, and healing. It's not just the body with Crohn's and a broken foot, or brokenhearted memories with post divorce PTSD, or growing isolation and loneliness due to Covid, it's the sense that the whole world is suffering too. My clients are in pain, I am in pain, the world is in pain. I feel the weight of being the wounded healer, helping others while wounded myself, pretty much like everyone else. 

I sometimes wonder where God is in the midst of all the suffering. I don't have all the answers but I know that in times of sorrow I have felt Him close. I do not rejoice in sorrows per se, but if somehow they bring me closer to Him then I can choose to be glad. In conversations with my friends I realise that they too are suffering, but they have been able to hold up a mirror to me. What I see in the mirror, and what others see when they see me are often very different persons. 

I see many wounds, imperfections, trials, sorrows, and an aging body and soul. I don't feel young at heart, frankly I feel ancient, like I have seen and felt too much and cannot bear any more. I see fragility and brittleness (but not bitterness), and deep, deep exhaustion. I feel lonely and isolated and the multiple layers of loss over the past few years seem to pile up high, sweeping me under the rug, as if I was of little consequence in this world. Sometimes, it feels as if at this time in my life I have said so many farewells and shall remain on the shore as others sail away on exciting adventures, leaving me behind, alone. 

My friends see strength of spirit, a courageous heart, a loving and generous soul, a lively and witty mind, and the proven ability to persevere in the face of chronic struggle. Nobody really cares about my age or my creaky bones, my grey hair, and my memory that plays tricks on me. Often, we are all on the same journey, sharing similar struggles. I hope to be a mirror to them too, to help them see beyond their pain.

Who are these two very different people? They are the different halves of me, and yet I am not two people but one. Life's purpose, to some extent, is the integration of these two halves. In the midst of sorrow, we must find the joy to keep going. In the midst of joy, we almost grieve because nothing lasts forever. I thought about what seemed to work for my clients and today I reminded myself of some basic steps to find one's way through life's struggles.

1. Do what is meaningful - works best if you can define "meaningful" in terms of your values. Work, play, relationships, the stuff that takes up most of our time, they must all be meaningful if we are to devote our time to them. 

2. Draw boundaries - you cannot be all things to everybody. Learn to say, "No", without feeling guilty. Even the closest and most intimate of relationships needs boundaries.

3. Self-care isn't selfish, it's essential. Look after yourself first before you help anybody else. You are not a machine. Know when to stop before you break down. 

4. Do what brings you joy - identify the things you enjoy, and do those things to replenish the soul. Schedule these activities to recharge your batteries regularly. 

5. Seek out your friends, and make new ones -  even if you don't feel like it. In fact, you probably need it more when you don't want it. Don't let feelings rule you, find structure that rises above the vagaries of fleeting feelings. 

So many other reminders to self... but these are plenty to start with. I am returning to painting after a year's hiatus, planning a long outing by wheelchair to a pretty place this week, meeting up with friends more regularly, taking a short break from studies, seeking counselling for myself, and re-examining my priorities, values, and purpose in life, while continuing to work with my lovely clients. It's also a time for reflecting, creating, meditating, and praying, rather than the constant doing, drudgery and deadlines. Timely to also ask how God views me, as the Beloved of God, and what that really means and if I believe it in my heart.

May you also take the time to replenish, to find the joy, and to look after yourselves in the midst of all that goes on around and in us. Happy Sunday, dear friends, bless you. You, too, are the Beloved of God. May you know and apprehend the depth of what that truly means. 

#WorldMentalHealthDay #worldmentalhealthday2021 #findthejoy #selfcare #replenish #purpose #meaning #boundaries #prayer #meditation #reflection #counsellors #counsellorsneedcounsellingtoo 

Pix of me wandering around my neighbourhood,  yesterday, admiring the jungle greenery. The wounded healer, in more ways than one!

Thanks for reading,

Pavitar

10/10/21

The Hand of God Is Green

Wrote a poem today. For all plant lovers everywhere, but especially for those who tend their plants with such love and care.

The Hand of God Is Green 

(aka God's Favourite Colour Is Green)

The Hand of God is green, I believe, 

But not with envy, bile or strife,

All around I see green in every leaf,

Evidence of creation, signs of life.

Trees tall with trunks so sturdy, 

Wearing crowns shimmering in the sun, 

Variations of green, bright and shady,

Fragile shoots when life had begun. 

Two tiny leaves on a threadlike spine, 

Breaking free from a hope filled seed,

Comes a show of God's Hand divine,

Both to delight his people, and to feed. 

We plant, harvest, consume our greens, 

We tend gardens our souls to nurture,

Prayerfully, the plant lover's heart sings,

A new song he's heard sung by nature.

Gifts of the sun, the rain, the soil,

Freely given by the Hand of God,

We blossom but we do not toil,

We are from, and return to the sod. 

What is man's life but like a stem of grass, 

Blown which way by the breeze,

A flower that blooms and does not last, 

A plant dying slowly in winter's freeze. 

The Hand of God is green, I know, 

In this world, and the world to be,

He makes creation to thrive and grow,

Life, hope, beauty, for eternity. 

Thanks for reading,

Pav

08/10/21

Ps. Pix of views from my bedroom. Scenes of greens, all around me. I love green.