Choosing Authenticity

Love my counselling work because it’s a constant reminder to me to remain authentic. Woke up feeling so exhausted today, and plagued by memories of the past. Found my emotions threatening to overwhelm me, and I recalled something I’d just told a client recently… 

“If we don’t manage our emotions, they’ll manage us. Acknowledge how you feel, recognise your feelings, sit with them briefly, and then make a choice to let them go”. 

Also reminded of the lists that I help clients make but somehow do not enjoy making myself. Faced with choices? List pros and cons, don’t just wing it on a feeling and a prayer. Write it down, clarity will come. Gosh, I’d forgotten just how hard writing can be and yet my lovely clients work hard at any task I set for them. Must. Write. Also. 

Then there’s the sessions on building self esteem and allowing internal validation to grow, to develop an innate sense of intuitively knowing what you must do, for you. But this is so hard, for me. Trapped in places in the past, I struggle to let go of hurts, judgments, words, and actions that have hurt me to the core. And then I am reminded of what I tell my most traumatised clients:

“Very rarely is there a moment of intense healing that never necessitates a return to dealing with past wounds. We may have to accept that all of life is learning how to live at peace with our old, and fresh, wounds. They remain with us, always, a reminder of our humanity and frailty, and the need to pick ourselves up and keep going, over and over, everyday, if necessary, looking forward, moving on.”

And that other reminder to self which I tell myself ever so often:

“If the past lives in your head without paying rent, it’s time to evict it. Let it go, and be kind to yourself. Direct love, kindness, and compassion to your own heart and mind, and help your healing by loving the person in the mirror”. 

“If you had to describe yourself to a complete stranger what would you say?” One of my fav questions to ask, and to read the answers. Perhaps I need to write this myself, though I’d struggle not to over analyse my every choice of word! 

People are mysteries, even unto themselves, afraid to love themselves because they might find that they are strangely unworthy of love. If only we all knew how powerful truly loving ourselves is as the key to being able to love others, freely giving and receiving love. All of life is a journey along this road, towards this space where we can be seen as we are, and truly loved as we are. Living in that space is the tension we face, knowing how imperfect we are, and yet wanting more of ourselves and of others. 

Love is the key to surviving the trauma that is life. Yes, life is trauma, all the way from start to end. Oh dear, feeling a wave of melancholy threatening to sweep over me… I know you, old friend, I sit with you briefly, I let you go freely. No long visits with you today. I choose joy, and I choose to live authentically, so that I know, in my soul, that what I do and what I say are the same. 

Got four lovely clients today, maybe I’ll do some painting, gonna feed the zoo in my roof garden, and gonna eat some carbs. In short, choosing to focus on the things that bring me joy. Carbs! Haha! No space for things that don’t bring me joy. Evicting unwanted tenants from my head, heart, and soul. Choosing authenticity all the way.  🙂 

Thanks for reading, 

Pav