A String of Pearls

Some days you wake up and you just know in your heart that today is going to be a fragile day. A day where things might shatter so easily because they all seem barely held together. I, myself, me... barely are my pearls strung together for the day before I feel tension in the string, and it's entirely possible that the string will snap and today all my pearls will fall to the ground and roll away, much to my distress. Loosen the string, lest it snap. Relax. Breathe deeply. Exhale. Repeat.

On days when fragility seems to overwhelm me I hide away. I am not fit for public consumption. Lest I turn a stomach, upset a mind or cause unhappiness in some way, I choose to be alone. Alone in the knowledge that this way I will hurt no one, this way no one will hurt me; this way the day will pass, and tomorrow will be a fresh start.

Today was a fragile day but I could not hide away. I had to meet people outside of home, I had to talk with strangers, I had to deal with life, full on in the face despite my wanting to be alone. Happily I managed it, but at a cost to myself. I hope I left everyone happy in my wake, but I am not happy. I am exhausted, drained, lifeless. I am also saddened. What saddens me I do not really know, but contact with people exhausted me today, and any surplus I had saved for a rainy day is thoroughly used up. I have nothing left to give, and nothing for myself, and that makes me resentful. I resent being resentful even. :)

Thankfully, tomorrow I do not need to face anyone outside of home/family. Thankfully, tomorrow I can gather my pearls and put them on, one by one in peace, by myself. A string of pearls reflecting who I am, representing my day, possibly even my life. Each pearl a jewel discovered through some struggle, some suffering, some pain. Each pearl precious in itself, and together a combination of many colours and shades, yet each perfectly round. A string of pearls I work on everyday, and on some days I make more progress than other days, yet each day I celebrate them. I remember them. I lovingly remind myself of them and of what they mean to me, and what I am to myself and to others, and I am comforted.

Thanks for reading.

Pav