I Can Change

A beautiful morning walk at 615am today. As I trudged along enjoying the various hues of blue in the sky as the day broke, I reminded myself that while night gives way to light and this daily change is constant, in life there are many instances where darkness never brightens and the only constant is the inability to change. No point asking others why they cannot change. They like to hide in the dark. No point asking others why they remain shallow and superficial. They just are that way. No point feeling frustrated and upset by their inability to be authentic. They just don't know how to be real. The only thing to do is to keep changing and evolving myself. Live in the light of God's love, accept people for what they are, and keep seeking depth, connection and authenticity in others. The right people will come into my life. Keeping the doors closed on those who do not belong in my life is always a challenge because clean cuts are not always possible. Accepting these people as being quite the opposite of everything I stand for and yet being gracious and kind to them is neccessary. That's a tricky balance. Today I am struggling with it but I choose to see it as part of my evolving and transforming into something better. Because I can change. Looking for ways to be a better version of myself. Always.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Choose the Higher Road of Grace and Mercy

On some days when my morning walk doesn't happen, I find myself in bed, staring at the ceiling and ruminating. Often, some sort of epiphany occurs, convincing me, yet again, that exercise is somewhat superfluous.

Today, as I lay in bed, I wondered why people can hurt us so deeply and think that what they are doing is perfectly acceptable. They betray you, deceive you, crush you and yet each time they see you they act like nothing has happened. In fact, they expect to be shown grace without even the slightest acknowledgement of wrong doing on their part. All that matters is that they are supposedly happy in their own lives, even at the expense of the happiness of others.

And then it came to me. They act that way not because they are sociopaths or psychopaths with Machiavellian tendencies. They act that way because they know you have already forgiven them for all the past hurt, the present pain and the future grief. They behave the way they do because they glimpse the grace and mercy of God Himself in you, and while they can never acknowledge it for fear of incriminating themselves, they need it to keep going.

It's the very air they breathe but they don't see it, or perhaps they do and they can never say that they do. That would require an authenticity and honesty that they do not have in them. They cannot fully face their inner demons and so their lives are a continual facade of fakery. You see it and you wonder how they live that way, in the shallows, while you dive deep. But that is them.

What of us? How do we continue to relate to them in these circumstances? We must resist the urge to trample the other to the ground because they have trampled us beneath their feet. Instead, we continue to show grace, not because it is easy but because it is difficult, and also deeply transformative. We resist the voices that clamour against these acts of showing grace and mercy that claim we are "enabling" others to misbehave, or "cheapening" God's grace. There is no such thing.

We are simply shifting the balance back to the other and his relationship with God and his own personal accountability to His Maker. It is no longer about our pain. If others hurt us, the Beloved of God, they hurt the very heart of God. And always the gentle reminder to one's self... if we hurt others, the Beloved of God, we hurt the heart of God Himself. God's grace is made more precious this way, and his mercy is like a healing balm when we accept that all are the Beloved of God. Resist the foolish wisdom of this world that would deprive you of this beautiful opportunity to be that channel of grace and mercy no matter how others treat you. Embrace it, and be transformed by it.

We rise above the moment and take the higher road, remembering not to place ourselves on a pedestal and hasten our own fall, but to remain humble in the process. The pain is truly humbling, the hurt is our best instructor, and our grief is a reminder that God's grace abounds especially when we are broken, and if we allow His light to shine through.

So let others be whatever version of themselves they choose to be. Choose the higher road in all humility. Prefer to think that those who hurt us can see the grace of God at work in us and need that grace to keep going themselves. Let them go to relate to their God as they wish. Then it will be between you and your God, and in the end you will not be ashamed when you stand before Him.

Thus endeth the lesson for today. Need breakfast. Man shall definitely not live by early morning epiphanies alone. Toast is always welcome. Happy Wednesday, dear friends. Be blessed. Be grace filled, gracious and full of gracias!

Thanks for reading,
Pav

Suffering is Transformative

It's baffling to hear someone say that God gave them peace to crush others to advance their own happiness. I would say "It's amazing what we can get away with when we make God in our own image." Yeah. Some day it all catches up. When you stand before God how will you answer Him?

The pursuit of temporal happiness here on earth involves fashioning God according to our own selfish desires. We can get away with practically anything then. The pursuit of eternal joy, however, involves dying to self so that we may be fashioned into the image of God.

Everyday is a new day to gaze upon God so that we may be renewed and strengthened and reflect His likeness accurately and honestly, living lives of transparency and integrity. May God give us the strength to choose to die to self every moment of every single day.

Gazing upon the Cross helps us die to our selfish nature, being immersed in His Word transforms us by the renewing of our minds, and the understanding of the depth of God's love for us makes it all possible and palatable no matter how painful and how deep is our suffering. Christ Himself died on the Cross. Can we, as His disciples, expect not to suffer?

Suffering brings us closer to God. Lean into our sufferings, do not run from them but embrace them, be transformed by them and as we gaze upon God we shall become like him. Thank you, God, for the pain and hurt, and for being there in the midst of it all. So grateful for Your loving presence. Lean in, dear friends, suffering is transformative.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Anthony Bourdain: Loved Because He Was Broken.

So many beautiful tributes online for Anthony Bourdain. One of the most touching things I read was that he was so loved by many, not "despite" his brokenness and personal pain, but "because" of it. It's an important distinction.

He struggled with addiction and depression and chose to keep going day after day doing what he loved. It required him to show up and be somebody in front of cameras. Yet he was authentically himself, and unapologetically so. He lived as a genuine person, with integrity and honesty. He spoke unabashedly and from the heart. Or maybe the gut. His opinions were always his own, nobody could say he was anybody's man.

And always, beneath his slightly cynical veneer was a glimpse of passing vulnerability laced with a touch of acidity, as if life itself, while delicious, was giving him indigestion. His was a tasty mix of irreverence, cynicism, wit, intelligence, and charm. All wrapped up in a devil may care attitude that said, "Take it or leave it, this is me. It's who I am. I can't be anybody else."

People like him may struggle with feeling out of place all their lives, journeying towards the next adventure, and the next, on and on, in hope of finding that something that heals their pain, and a life truly worth living. It's Everyman's journey, really.  Perhaps people saw something of their own pain in him, and identified with his brokenness. Maybe he grew tired of wrestling with whatever pain he endured. It happens.

You grow weary of carrying on, secretly knowing that only death can end your suffering. It's sad that he saw no other way out. Life is a difficult journey and so many of us die while we are yet alive. I think he felt he was dying on the inside for some time. Depression does that to a person, and death beckons as a welcome relief. Death, while a mystery filled with the unknown, is that one last adventure for us all. I wish he'd been able to resist it's call for now.

Rest in peace, Anthony Bourdain. Yours was a life genuinely lived and you were true to yourself. Not many of us have the courage to live that way. And thank you for taking us along with you on your travels and foodie adventures. The simplest of joys that you savoured around the world resonated with us wherever we were. A plate of food united us all.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Truly Human, And Yet Also Divine

My counseling practical is an amazing learning opportunity. I feel both privileged to have the experience, and also deeply humbled, because I am dealing with real lives and real issues. It's a responsibility that is both inspiring and a little frightening.

I am continuing to have an education as to what really happens beneath the thin, shiny veneer we have in Singapore that covers up so much pain and poverty. Poverty exists here, in many, different forms.

Many of us are so poor that we cannot see the sufferings of others around us. It's like the eyes of our souls have shrivelled up, and our hearts are so tiny that they can barely hold anything for anyone other than ourselves. That sort of blindness of the soul and atrophy of the heart is a severe impoverishment to us and to the world at large.

We were meant to live for others, and to love others, in imitation of Christ. May we recognise this poverty within ourselves, and despise it enough to want to be transformed into the image of God, whose love is unconditional and selfless, giving and generous, even to the point of death.

How far would we go to help those who suffer in this world? Can we say to others, "I am here for you, any time of day", and truly mean that and genuinely feel the human connection between two souls? Are we authentic enough to be able to sustain these connections, realising the demands they will place on us, and how we might fail from time to time and yet keep going because that is just life, one step at a time? Can we launch out in faith, truly trusting that God will see us through, as we profess our dependence on Him for all things, including the strength and joy necessary to help others journey through life? 

May we find ways to expand our personal horizons to include the multitudes who live with so much pain and hurt, and are in desperate need of assistance on so many fronts. May we give from our hearts of ourselves, that which others crave the most. Human connection and with it compassion, empathy and understanding. May we be truly human, and yet also divine, as we allow ourselves to be channels of God's love.

Enlarge our hearts, Lord, that we may see You in those around us, and in so doing truly serve from a servant's heart. Create in me a clean heart, O Lord, and renew a right spirit within me.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Ps. Self care... replenishing one's self so as to better serve others and avoid burn out. I love my morning walkies! Fill my cup, O Lord, till it overflows.

I Deserve Better

It takes a long time, and a lot of hurt and pain, but also a lot of growth as a person, to come to a place where you can say, "I deserve better" in life.

Someday, you actually do break through the darkness, and the struggle, and the heart numbing business of mindlessly plodding along one foot in front of the other, just to keep going. You have to keep going for everybody else. And then one day, you keep going, for yourself.

Somehow, the truth breaks free from within you, that you are a person of great value, that you truly deserve better in life, and then you know that nobody can take that truth away. You earned it, learnt it, died to it, found new life through it, and it is the new you born out of hurt, and pain, and grief, and despair.

Only the faintest glimmer of hope kept you alive as you wrestled with tears and deep sorrow, wanting to be so much more, but not quite there yet. Then one day, almost like an epiphany, your eyes are opened to the truth of who you really are.

You are not a broken heart crushed underfoot or a broken body ravaged by disease. You are not some sad reflection of someone else's inability to love. You are so much more than all that. You are lovable, and you deserve better. Much, much better.

And nobody can ever take that truth away because now your eyes are open, your heart and soul are open, and the truth emerged from within you. "I deserve better" becomes your mantra. In everything in life, you tell yourself this and know it in your heart. You believe it entirely, and never again will anyone convince you otherwise. You won't let them.

In order to have survived all that life has thrown at you and to keep moving forwards, you close the doors on the past and know you deserve better because it's not just a comforting notion, it's the truth. And the truth sets you free.

Once you find that freedom you can never imagine not being free to believe in your own innate goodness and the fact that you deserve better, and you promise yourself that never again will your worth as a person be undermined or undervalued by anyone else.

You make a vow to yourself. To know yourself, to know your self worth, to be better, not bitter, and to live the life you truly deserve. Because you are awesome. It's the truth.

Thanks for reading,
Pav.

Reflections on Easter Weekend

Today I spent a very meaningful 4 hours rehearsing and singing with my choir for Good Friday Mass. Was such a beautiful time. My thoughts kept going to Christ's suffering and death on the Cross, and His humility.

There can be no compassion without suffering, there can be no humility without humiliation, and there can be no resurrection without death. I look back at the past few years and I see suffering and humiliation in my life, and the "death" of much that was good in me.

As Easter approaches, and we are reminded of the resurrection of Christ and the Spirit that brought Him back to life, I can't help but think of all that needs resurrecting in me.

May all that is good that has lain dormant, wilted or withered away, come back to life. May all that is good thrive again in the rich soil of a heart awakened afresh to the grace of God and His loving mercies, which are new every day. May a heart that once lay crushed and broken be healed anew yet again, and find comfort in the loving sacrifice of a Saviour so precious that while everyone abandoned Him, he set His heart and mind and will to the task ahead.

To die a painful death on the Cross for all mankind, including tiny, insignificant me. No greater love can any man have for another than to die for him. Nothing I have endured in my life can possibly compare with His suffering. May such knowledge of the very Son of God's humiliation bring a deep humility to my heart and life, coupled with a fresh compassion for those who suffer.

Christ suffered, died and rose again. Every Easter I remind myself to remind myself that after winter comes spring, and likewise, in the seasons of my life, every phase of suffering, humiliation and "death" leads to resurrection.

Lord, may I know the power of your resurrection, and even if my sufferings were not for you per se, let them yield good fruit in my life, trusting that Your will be done in all things in  my life. Transform me more and more into your likeness, Lord, so that I may reflect your compassion, humility and love. So hard to do but the best things in life are never easy.

May all that is good that has died come alive in you this Easter season too. Blessings to all who read this. You are the Beloved of God.


Thanks for reading,

Pav.

Food At Last and Music too!

Today I ate. Yeah, finally. 4 weeks have passed, with the last week being the hardest. After my morning infusion at the hospital today, I had soupy fish rice porridge with a dear friend in town. Was so awesome to meet her after ages, and to sink my teeth into soft mushy stuff. Nice! :) Gave away all my veggies, and ate a bit before feeling full rather quickly. Think my stomach shrank. No worries. It'll unshrink in due course. Porridge for a few days will do the trick. So grateful to be eating again. Yippee! Thus endeth the "Chronicles of the Grateful Crohnie". Back to regular programming of morning walk reflections and silly posts, laughs and more silliness, with occasional craziness. Life is too serious otherwise! Laughter is the best medicine!

Sang later today, after a very long time, with the St Francis Xavier Choir at the World Day of Consecrated Life celebrated at Novena Church. Loved every minute of it. It's a day for the clergy and religious to consecrate themselves to God afresh, and also for the laity to consecrate themselves. Everybody is called to consecrate themselves to lives of holiness. It coincides with the Presentation of Jesus at the Temple, when Jesus' parents consecrated their first born to God. I thought it would be lovely to end my first day of food with a Mass of consecration. Give my life anew to God, and commit to living in community. So beautiful, and so blessed. God's presence was so real, and I sang my heart out, soaring on the voices of all my choir friends. Such a joy and lightness in my soul. I feel truly alive! Grateful!

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

The Need for Self Care

Living in gratitude on Day 28 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for self care.

We all have so many demands on us, and sometimes we are stretched in various directions. Our capacities for selfless giving differ with each individual, as does our need for self care.

I've discovered that I need down time. Quiet moments when I am reading, praying, meditating, or just resting. This recharges my soul and helps heal my mind and body. I also need times when I am immersed with people, laughing and chatting and generally being the sociable soul that I am, in small doses.

Additionally, I need to make time to do little things that help me feel special. Today my self care was to get my hair coloured, and my nails done while I drifted off in a sleepy daze. It was a restful 2 hours trapped at the salon before I hit the supermarket, pharmacy, clothes store and bank. Shopping for the kids and running errands while feeling lightheaded from a lack of sleep is a challenge but I coasted along.

I'm struggling to sleep at night and consequently barely awake in the day. It's all topsy-turvy and a little upsetting. My heart is pounding and skipping beats all day and I wake up in tears in the morning feeling unrested.

Still, I find ways to care for myself. I seek to understand how I feel and am gentle and kind to myself. It hasn't been easy for me to do this but I have learnt how to now, and to appreciate that others need to do the same too. Self care can take many forms. A morning walk, a pampering for the body, a quietening for the spirit, a soul enlivening social activity that breathes new life, a hobby or a sport that helps us grow as individuals. All of these are so important, and when we do these things we are not being selfish but helping ourselves recharge so we can continue giving.

Tomorrow I eat porridge in town with a dear friend, and in the evening I'll be singing at a special Mass for the World Day of Consecrated Life at Novena Church. It's going to be lovely singing again on my first day back to food. Such a privilege and a joy. It's an act of self care too. Feeding my spirit and being with friends, indulging  in one of my favourite activities, and worshipping God all at the same time. Awesomeness. I am excited!

No matter how tired my body might be I'm going to be there. Self care extends to "me" in totality, body, mind, heart, soul and spirit. I am grateful for the ability to know how important self care is and to be able to do those things that bring me joy. So blessed.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

I Gained A Day. Kinda :)

Living in gratitude on the 27th day of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I realised that techinically I will be eating again on Day 29 instead of 30, and I am grateful for the saving of one whole day. Yippee!

The doctors calculated 4 weeks from hospital admission which brought me to Friday, 2nd Feb, as the day I get an infusion of meds and begin eating again. Roughly 30 days, but in reality... 29 days including the first day of admission when I began the liquid diet. I can live with that!

This past week has been very hard in terms of levels of exhaustion and hunger. I am finding it hard watching my kids eat the meals I plan for them. Meat, veggies, rice, soup, pasta, fruits. I've enjoyed cooking some of these, and loved watching them eat. But man, the smells that assail my nostrils, and get my tummy going, those aromas are a killer.

I think my sense of smell has heightened and I am smelling everything in a 2 km radius. Maybe less lah :) But seriously, I think that's a good sign of a lack of inflammation in the body. It also means my senses are sharpening in deprivation, as they tend to do, just as they get satiated and saturated in times of abundance. Perhaps a fast once in awhile is useful in more ways than one. Apparently you live longer if you fast often. Not too sure how long I'd like to live on enforced fasts and the ever present possibility of surgery. Sounds exhausting :)

I am reminded, again, of how easily, albeit unsatisfactorily, my hunger can be assuaged by drinks. Imagine those who have no means of alleviating their hunger. Terrible desperation for food exists in many parts of the starving world. I remain grateful that I have those drinks, even if they are nutritionally sub-optimal. They're better than nothing.

The notion of a whole extra day saved makes me so happy, even if it's an illusion of savings. I'm grateful. Now I just need to get through Thursday. Lovely. Be still my growling tummy, the first spoons of porridge will taste so heavenly. And then slowly on to simple meals and living a normal life. One step at a time, one saved day included. Grateful.

Thanka for reading,

Pav