Reflections on Easter Weekend

Today I spent a very meaningful 4 hours rehearsing and singing with my choir for Good Friday Mass. Was such a beautiful time. My thoughts kept going to Christ's suffering and death on the Cross, and His humility.

There can be no compassion without suffering, there can be no humility without humiliation, and there can be no resurrection without death. I look back at the past few years and I see suffering and humiliation in my life, and the "death" of much that was good in me.

As Easter approaches, and we are reminded of the resurrection of Christ and the Spirit that brought Him back to life, I can't help but think of all that needs resurrecting in me.

May all that is good that has lain dormant, wilted or withered away, come back to life. May all that is good thrive again in the rich soil of a heart awakened afresh to the grace of God and His loving mercies, which are new every day. May a heart that once lay crushed and broken be healed anew yet again, and find comfort in the loving sacrifice of a Saviour so precious that while everyone abandoned Him, he set His heart and mind and will to the task ahead.

To die a painful death on the Cross for all mankind, including tiny, insignificant me. No greater love can any man have for another than to die for him. Nothing I have endured in my life can possibly compare with His suffering. May such knowledge of the very Son of God's humiliation bring a deep humility to my heart and life, coupled with a fresh compassion for those who suffer.

Christ suffered, died and rose again. Every Easter I remind myself to remind myself that after winter comes spring, and likewise, in the seasons of my life, every phase of suffering, humiliation and "death" leads to resurrection.

Lord, may I know the power of your resurrection, and even if my sufferings were not for you per se, let them yield good fruit in my life, trusting that Your will be done in all things in  my life. Transform me more and more into your likeness, Lord, so that I may reflect your compassion, humility and love. So hard to do but the best things in life are never easy.

May all that is good that has died come alive in you this Easter season too. Blessings to all who read this. You are the Beloved of God.


Thanks for reading,

Pav.

Food At Last and Music too!

Today I ate. Yeah, finally. 4 weeks have passed, with the last week being the hardest. After my morning infusion at the hospital today, I had soupy fish rice porridge with a dear friend in town. Was so awesome to meet her after ages, and to sink my teeth into soft mushy stuff. Nice! :) Gave away all my veggies, and ate a bit before feeling full rather quickly. Think my stomach shrank. No worries. It'll unshrink in due course. Porridge for a few days will do the trick. So grateful to be eating again. Yippee! Thus endeth the "Chronicles of the Grateful Crohnie". Back to regular programming of morning walk reflections and silly posts, laughs and more silliness, with occasional craziness. Life is too serious otherwise! Laughter is the best medicine!

Sang later today, after a very long time, with the St Francis Xavier Choir at the World Day of Consecrated Life celebrated at Novena Church. Loved every minute of it. It's a day for the clergy and religious to consecrate themselves to God afresh, and also for the laity to consecrate themselves. Everybody is called to consecrate themselves to lives of holiness. It coincides with the Presentation of Jesus at the Temple, when Jesus' parents consecrated their first born to God. I thought it would be lovely to end my first day of food with a Mass of consecration. Give my life anew to God, and commit to living in community. So beautiful, and so blessed. God's presence was so real, and I sang my heart out, soaring on the voices of all my choir friends. Such a joy and lightness in my soul. I feel truly alive! Grateful!

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

The Need for Self Care

Living in gratitude on Day 28 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for self care.

We all have so many demands on us, and sometimes we are stretched in various directions. Our capacities for selfless giving differ with each individual, as does our need for self care.

I've discovered that I need down time. Quiet moments when I am reading, praying, meditating, or just resting. This recharges my soul and helps heal my mind and body. I also need times when I am immersed with people, laughing and chatting and generally being the sociable soul that I am, in small doses.

Additionally, I need to make time to do little things that help me feel special. Today my self care was to get my hair coloured, and my nails done while I drifted off in a sleepy daze. It was a restful 2 hours trapped at the salon before I hit the supermarket, pharmacy, clothes store and bank. Shopping for the kids and running errands while feeling lightheaded from a lack of sleep is a challenge but I coasted along.

I'm struggling to sleep at night and consequently barely awake in the day. It's all topsy-turvy and a little upsetting. My heart is pounding and skipping beats all day and I wake up in tears in the morning feeling unrested.

Still, I find ways to care for myself. I seek to understand how I feel and am gentle and kind to myself. It hasn't been easy for me to do this but I have learnt how to now, and to appreciate that others need to do the same too. Self care can take many forms. A morning walk, a pampering for the body, a quietening for the spirit, a soul enlivening social activity that breathes new life, a hobby or a sport that helps us grow as individuals. All of these are so important, and when we do these things we are not being selfish but helping ourselves recharge so we can continue giving.

Tomorrow I eat porridge in town with a dear friend, and in the evening I'll be singing at a special Mass for the World Day of Consecrated Life at Novena Church. It's going to be lovely singing again on my first day back to food. Such a privilege and a joy. It's an act of self care too. Feeding my spirit and being with friends, indulging  in one of my favourite activities, and worshipping God all at the same time. Awesomeness. I am excited!

No matter how tired my body might be I'm going to be there. Self care extends to "me" in totality, body, mind, heart, soul and spirit. I am grateful for the ability to know how important self care is and to be able to do those things that bring me joy. So blessed.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

I Gained A Day. Kinda :)

Living in gratitude on the 27th day of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I realised that techinically I will be eating again on Day 29 instead of 30, and I am grateful for the saving of one whole day. Yippee!

The doctors calculated 4 weeks from hospital admission which brought me to Friday, 2nd Feb, as the day I get an infusion of meds and begin eating again. Roughly 30 days, but in reality... 29 days including the first day of admission when I began the liquid diet. I can live with that!

This past week has been very hard in terms of levels of exhaustion and hunger. I am finding it hard watching my kids eat the meals I plan for them. Meat, veggies, rice, soup, pasta, fruits. I've enjoyed cooking some of these, and loved watching them eat. But man, the smells that assail my nostrils, and get my tummy going, those aromas are a killer.

I think my sense of smell has heightened and I am smelling everything in a 2 km radius. Maybe less lah :) But seriously, I think that's a good sign of a lack of inflammation in the body. It also means my senses are sharpening in deprivation, as they tend to do, just as they get satiated and saturated in times of abundance. Perhaps a fast once in awhile is useful in more ways than one. Apparently you live longer if you fast often. Not too sure how long I'd like to live on enforced fasts and the ever present possibility of surgery. Sounds exhausting :)

I am reminded, again, of how easily, albeit unsatisfactorily, my hunger can be assuaged by drinks. Imagine those who have no means of alleviating their hunger. Terrible desperation for food exists in many parts of the starving world. I remain grateful that I have those drinks, even if they are nutritionally sub-optimal. They're better than nothing.

The notion of a whole extra day saved makes me so happy, even if it's an illusion of savings. I'm grateful. Now I just need to get through Thursday. Lovely. Be still my growling tummy, the first spoons of porridge will taste so heavenly. And then slowly on to simple meals and living a normal life. One step at a time, one saved day included. Grateful.

Thanka for reading,

Pav

Resting Required

Living in gratitude on Day 26 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for rest.

I dropped my steroid dose from 15mgs to 10mgs today and felt exhausted by noon. It's just the way they affect the body when dosages change. For a couple of days I'll be very tired till I adjust to the new dose.

I decided that apart from a trip to the supermarket, and planning a meaty dinner for the kids, I wasn't going to do much. I wanted a day of rest.

I discovered AD Kingdom and Empire on Netflix and watched several episodes. Great stuff about the Apostles and their Christian witness after the crucifixion of Jesus. I especially enjoyed the transformation of Peter, from guilt ridden denial to the rock upon which Christ built His church. Watching them being persecuted for their faith gave me a new found respect for the early church pioneers and martyrs. Their faith was truly costly, and their lives constantly fraught with danger and yet their love for God never flagged.

If only I could have that sort of energy and zeal in life! It's just so very incredibly hard with chronic illness. Some days I pack in too much and other days I fear I do too little. Nowadays I don't want to care too much about what folks think. If I need to lie down on the sofa, well then I jolly well will do so because I know I need to rest. It's my body, so I'm the expert, really. Nobody else can walk in my shoes so they'll never know how hard it can get.

Today's restfulness was lovely. My body begged for rest and I listened and was kind to myself. I am grateful that I can rest without guilt and there is no expectation of having to be someone I am not. I am not Superwoman, just simply imperfectly perfect me. And that is restful enough. So very grateful for this day.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

The Beauty of Flowers

Living a life of gratitude on Day 25 of a 30 Day Liquid Diet. Today I am grateful for the beauty of flowers.

I spent several hours today visiting people who are old or ill. One was a visit to the doctor with the old folks, and another was a visit to the hospital to see how a friend was doing. Visiting a friend in hospital became a reunion of sorts as a mutual friend turned up there. Hey, party time! :)

My friend insisted on sending me home, and on the way she asked if I'd like to buy flowers because she was planning to do so. I nearly fell off my seat! Buy flowers? Of course! I love buying flowers! I just haven't been buying them for myself for a while now.

And so after a very long time, I got myself some unsual orchids and my fav orange Indian roses. So very beautiful. I arranged them, and touched them and felt the silky velvet of their petals and rejoiced to have such beauty within my grasp.

Flowers are very special to me. They are fragile yet hardy, with soft petals on hard stems, have a myriad of colours and shades, and whether fragrant or not, they are so beautiful. Even though they wilt and die like any other living thing, and their life seems so short, they bring so much joy to those who truly appreciate them.

I'm enjoying my flowers and relishing the thought of spoiling myself more often with flowery treats. I simply love them. So grateful for flowers, and their beauty today. The mind and heart rejoices to look upon such things of beauty. We innately recognise true beauty when we see it, especially in nature. Nothing speaks so eloquently of beauty to me. Blessed!

Thanks for reading,

Pav

A Lovely, Lively Day

Living with gratitude on Day 24 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for all the lively people in my life.

I had a poor night's sleep yesterday and woke up thinking of the 3 things I wanted to do today. Make it to church, visit my kids' Grandparents, and take my kids out to dinner. Would I be able to manage it all while feeling quite like a squashed cabbage?

My son had ordered Macs at 130am, and despite telling the delivery guy not to ring the doorbell but to call him instead.... the doorbell got rung. And I was woken up and I didn't get back to sleep till 430am. Up with the larks, as usual, at 630am, I made it to church for the 815am Mass. Popped by to visit Grandparents and stayed for 5 hours, and rounded up the kids later for dinner over a couple of hours.

Flying on steroid fumes and IsoCal/Resource alone, I have no idea how I managed all that with poor sleep. I realised that part of me was craving a quiet curl up away from the noisy world but that if I wanted to do all that I had planned, I would have to face the world, and all the lively people in it. And so I determined to get through it, one step at a time.

At Mass, I was surrounded by very lively types. A pair of ladies chatted beside me throughout Mass. A mother and her son chatted a fair bit right behind me, with Mum singing quite off key and son snorting through his morning rhinitis as if his nose was a blocked elephant trunk. In front of me, a family struggled with a disobedient youngest son who enjoyed taunting Mum and disrespecting Dad and smacking his siblings. Aiyoh. I could barely focus. Such a lively Mass, but this squashed cabbage decided to just accept it all in good stride and get to the next event of the day. Don't sweat the small stuff, especially if it isn't yours!

Visiting the kids' grandparents is always lovely. They are so old, and enjoy a good visit and company. Grandma can talk to me for 5 hours nonstop and so we almost did just that, except for 30 mins when she noticed my eyes glaze over and I attempted to snooze.

Enter the boy next door who decided right then to try and be a drummer. Lovely. Sigh. No rest for me, and so Grandma and I continued chatting. Truly lovely to connect and be available for someone in need. So much of my day passed surrounded by voices vying for my attention and I was glad to have these lively people in my life. Somehow this squashed cabbage was lifted from one moment to the next.

The last event was dinner with my kids. Such a beautiful outing to try Taiwanese porridge at Goodwood Park Hotel. Reasonably priced "eat a bucket load of food" buffet. A friend of mine wants to take me there some time so I decided to check it out with my kids. The kids stuffed themselves while I fantasized about coming back when I can eat.

We chatted, laughed and were silly. They were so lively, and I found myself caught up in it all too. My kids are my most favourite people in the world. I am biased, I know. I hung on to every word they said, imagining what it will be like once they are gone from my life and silence reigns. There'll be time enough for curling up in quiet then. I want to remember every precious moment that happens now.

And so I managed to get through a grace filled day surrounded by noise and animated conversations, was blessed and hopefully a blessing too, and tonight I shall enter into a blissful and well deserved sleep. Perhaps I shall dream of my porridge lunch in town with a friend this Friday afternoon, the actual end of my fast from food. I look forward to it. It's getting harder each day and I am so hungry. I'm almost there. I am grateful for the lively people upon whose voices I have wafted along today, and that the very presence and love of family has been reason enough to keep going. So blessed to have a lovely, lively day!

Thanks for reading,

Pav

In the Absence of Miraculous Healing

Living in gratitude on Day 23 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for suffering. Yes, even for suffering.

I was asked a question today, in response to my reluctance to go to a particular church meeting for a healing miracle. "Don't you want to get healed?!"

Excuse me? Er... of course, I do! I'd love to be healed! That would be so wonderful. Who wouldn't want to be healed from over two decades of chronic illness and to be able to eat freely again? I just don't believe that I need to run from one healing meeting to another or "pursue healing" to get it. I believe that God need only say the word, and I'd be healed right here, right now.

The fact that it hasn't happened that way simply means, to me, that God has other plans for me. To me, walking and growing in the Christian faith must involve suffering to some extent, largely because we live in an imperfect world fraught with pain and sin, and also because as disciples of Christ, we are no less than Him. He suffered. His mission was one of suffering, culminating with His death on the cross.

We are all called to bear our crosses and follow Him. We can't bear a cross with grace and dignity if we are continuously seeking to offload it at the same time. I believe the offloading of our crosses is up to God's timing and will for our lives. The bearing of the cross is our job in life.

The crosses we bear help shape us. They are meant to draw us closer to God, and deepen our relationship with Him and transform us into His likeness, if we allow them to do so. If we constantly seek to get rid of our crosses how can we learn the lessons they are meant to teach us?

I fear the notion that we are all meant to be blessed and prosperous and happy all the time has robbed many of the opportunity to truly grow their faith through an acceptance of suffering. Suffering grows the soul, teaches it to wait on God, helps the soul focus on the eternal, and can enlarge the heart despite deep pain and hurt.

Do I want to be healed? Of course, I do. Do I enjoy suffering? Of course, I do not. And yet I find I am experiencing suffering in some measure. I have to find a way to make meaning of it all. The best way forward, I feel, is to accept it, embrace it, to make meaning of it, and to surrender it back to God.

It's almost blaming a patient for not being well when you ask them, "Don't you want to get healed?" through your preferred sources of miraculous healing. I've been to these meetings before, and I'm still living with chronic illness. I've known of faith filled people dying of cancer too. Where was their faith, and didn't they want to be healed too? Of course, they did. But God is sovereign and His plans and thoughts and ways are higher than ours. Illness exists, it even persists, and often it kills us. It's a reality we cannot escape in this world.

I find it best to say as Christ did in the Garden of Gethesemane, "Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass me by. Nevertheless, let it be as you, not I, would have it." In other words, "Let your will be done".

To get to this place of even remotely desiring suffering as God's will, and accepting it, is the actual work of faith in our lives, and is echoed by the saints themselves who count their trials and persecutions as blessings. The constant desperate desire to escape pain and suffering, which is loosely viewed as some faith filled fantasy, bypasses the deep and lasting work of God that builds character. So many are weak and their faith is shallow because they would not embrace suffering as God's will for their lives. They turn against suffering, and see it as a sign of a lack of faith. It's all topsy turvy, to me.

Do I want to be healed? Yes, please God, feel free to heal me right now. But I just want to say that even if you don't I'll love you no less. I'm working out my faith in the absence of big miracles, but grateful for all the little ones along the way. I'm counting all my blessings, and learning to view the bad stuff as part of your plan for my life. It's ultimately all good.

I am grateful that even suffering has a place in my life. A thorn in my flesh that may never leave, but that has its purpose. Help me bear my crosses with grace and dignity, Lord, until you lift them from me.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Kindness from the Wounded Healer

Living in gratitude on Day 22 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for the gift of kindness.

Nothing melts my heart as much as kindness. Kindness is essentially a gift. We don't have to be kind, it's a conscious choice we make that blesses those who give and receive kindness.

Each of us faces our own struggles and hardships in life. Imagine a world where our pains were ameliorated by many, many acts of kindness, random or otherwise. We bless others, especially those who are undeserving, and in so doing, we send out ripples of joy, healing, grace, and mercy. We have the power within us to create so much good for others and for ourselves, and to ease pain, both our own, and that of others.

I believe that in reaching out to others who are wounded we help heal ourselves. It's the only way to heal, really. We are all wounded healers, bearing within us our wounds that may never truly heal though they begin to dim with time, if we allow them. Reaching out with our open wounds enables us to stitch ourselves back together. Accepting kindness from others allows us to help repair those wounds in them, and even the wounds in ourselves. It is truly God's grace and mercy at work restoring life to the damaged soul that yearns for a touch from God and a sign that He is close and cares. God uses the listening heart that says, "Here I am, Lord, use me, wounds and all".

As wounded healers we help heal the world by giving of ourselves, and kindness is the best place to begin because often wounds have their origins in deep and unkind hurt. Imagine the reversal of the pain and hurt when the balm of kindness is applied to these wounds. How beautiful to bring that healing, how marvelous to receive it too.

Today I was blessed by a dear friend of mine whose generosity touched my heart and spoke to my soul. I found myself weeping, and sobbing, and stunned. My heart needed a touch of kindness, and in receiving this particular one, it felt the very caress of God upon it. Healing, from one wounded healer to another, and the reminder that showing and receving kindness is God's love shed abroad in our hearts. I am so grateful for this beautiful kindness, and for my dear friend. I am inspired to acts of generosity and kindness myself, and that's the beauty of living through the healing touch of kindness. You simply want to pass it on.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

An End to a Cycle Of Transformation

Living in gratitude on Day 21 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful that every cycle of transformation has its end.

Two nights ago a beautiful male Common Mormon came into my bedroom and landed on my lampshade, drawn, no doubt, to the light. I was thrilled to see it but also wanted it to spend the night outside rather than flapping about my head in the dark. After a few attempts I managed to release it. I've never encountered such a reluctant release... he didn't want to leave and kept flying back in.

The thought briefly crossed my mind that perhaps he was dying, but I thought it best that he died outside, feeling just a little squirmish at the thought of a dead butterfly in my bed. Imagine my sadness to discover that somehow, he had returned later to the safety of my room, and died there in a corner near my door. His lifeless body was found there by my helper who placed him on a table, uncertain what to do with him.

When I saw him I thought he had landed on the table, only to discover that he was dead. What a sad thing it is to see a beautiful creature like a butterfly lie dead. I have always loved butterflies since I was a child and I felt deeply saddened that I had not recognised that it was dying when it first visited me. I wish I had known and had treated it more kindly.

Butterflies speak to me of metamorphosis or transformation. They are the ultimate in undergoing near catastrophic change that results in complete metamorphosis into a new form, shape, colour; in fact, a whole new life. There's a time span in which this happens, then the butterfly lives briefly and dies. Its transformation from caterpillar to butterfly is marked by a beginning and an ending.

I look at my own life and see near catastrophic events that I have had to embrace as inevitable change, and reluctant opportunities for transformation. I had long felt like the caterpillar blissfully going along nibbling leaves in my own little world. I have suddenly found myself struggling the most in the chrysalis stage, totally crushed and unrecognisable even to myself. I have waited, prayed, cried and grieved through all the change in my life until I came to realise that my chrysalis was not meant to trap me forever.

I feel like this particular phase of metamorphosis in my life is over, and I am emerging from my chrysalis. It's time to spread my wings and fly. To be beautiful and to believe it, because I am. To bring joy to the lives of others simply by being me, because there is so much goodness and lightness in my soul. I want to be unabashed and totally accepting of the fact that I am beautiful in every possible way. It's a truth that nobody can take away from me. I've transformed into a totally new me. It's time to push through the cracked chrysalis and emerge, knowing that a new life has begun. And it's a better brand new version of me. The old me died, and made way for the new me. It's exciting!

I am grateful that I can feel this in my soul finally. It's like a resurrection of sorts when one has felt dead for a very long time. I look forward to feeling alive and vibrant, to being a blessing to others and to finding meaning and fulfilment in life. It's all there, within my reach, and the pieces of my life's puzzle are slowly falling into place. I am so grateful that this cycle of transformation has its end. It's time!

Thanks for reading,

Pav