Day 9 in A Month of Gratitude (9th October 2020)

Day 9 in A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today, I am #grateful for my life's narrative. A narrative is basically a story, with a beginning, a middle, and an end, and usually it has a #heroic figure of near epic proportions that is the #protagonist who acts and is acted upon. The simplest of stories is the triumph of good over evil, where good saves the day and everyone lives happily ever after. 

Looking back, I wonder what might have been if I knew what I know now, about my own life, and about the world. Would I have made the same decisions and choices and lived my life this very same way? Folks say they live with no regrets but I don't know if that is really possible. I think we have no regrets because we do not examine our lives. I know I have regrets, and I think it's important to acknowledge them and learn to live with them.

I like to think I am the heroine in my own story, acting more than I am acted upon, choosing to do the right thing at all times, trying my best to wrestle a victory for good over evil, largely in myself, and sallying forth to dispel gloom wherever I can by shining the light of love into darkness. Oh my. Which fairy tale have I been living, or aspiring to live out? Keep the expectations real and realistic, Pav! 🤣

In reality, I'm struggling, everyday, to manage muscle and joint pain, recurrent migraines, monitoring abdominal changes for possible obstructions, and also doing all the things I truly enjoy... morning walks, cooking for the kids, spending time with any one of my kids who is available, expanding my counselling work and skills, playing my cello really badly, painting with forgiving acrylics, watching my fav stuff on Netflix, and relaxing at the end of a long day as a low grade fever sets in. My life's daily narrative is hardly exciting or heroic, it simply is a rather ordinary day in a rather ordinary life. 

But is that enough for me? When I die, I don't want to be remembered as the vaguely nice, somewhat eccentric woman, with so many kids, who made yummy mutton curry, loved butterflies, magpie robins, and trees, who overthought everything, wrote too much, had a touch of the melancholy, and had some strange chronic ailment. Living a life with chronic illness is already practically an heroic endeavour. And yet I want my life's narrative to be a little more heroic than "she once lived, but now is no more". 

How does one live heroically? A good place to start is to look back and #acceptthepast. Can't change that, so #forgive yourself, and those who have hurt you, and move on. Next, one can choose daily to #liveinthemoment, which is so much harder to do than one might think. The past intrudes, often with memories of more blissful times, and the future beckons, often with illusions of what might come, and so the present is neglected, often because it is painful to sit with one's emotions and work through suffering or difficulty.

But facing the dragon, and slaying it is what the hero does. He doesn't flee from the needful, or hide away from the difficult. He embraces it, takes it on, and overcomes. He is not driven by fear, though he is afraid, he is driven by love. And what more heroic act can there be in life than to choose a life driven by love, that no matter what happens, we choose love above everything else? Instead of looking for love to visit us, we see ourselves as love itself, quite capable of being the hands and feet of God on earth. We are the heroes of our own narratives, we get to write our own story. Let it be one where #loveconquersall!

Some day, my life will be over, and I'll be a memory to those who knew me. And yet, I think in their minds, a little "Book of Pav" will exist, filled with encounters, conversations, memories, arguments, hurts, and hopefully, much love. I own a journal that has a cover that I think I'd love to have as the cover for this imagined "Book of Pav". It has a cross, and the impression of jewels, with possibly Celtic, or Gaelic symbols, with bronzed gold, turquoise blues and deep reds in muted tones. I love that journal, both it's cover and content, as I used it when I was on a month long silent retreat in Sydney in 2013. Whenever I think of my life's narrative and the years that are to come in the second half of my life, as I pursue a more heroic plot line while mindfully living in the present, I hope that my story will be beautiful, outside, and inside, the "Book of Pav".❤

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #October #LifeNarrative #Narratives #Protagonist #Heroic #BookOfPav #AcceptThePast #ForgiveYourself #ForgiveOthers #LiveInTheMoment #BeDrivenByLove #LoveConquersAll #MentalHealthAwareness #MentalHealth #IMadeItThroughDayNine

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

Day 8 of A Month of Gratitude (8th October 2020)

Day 8 of A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG finds me #grateful for #opportunities. Today, I am reflecting on an opportunity I had last night to deliver a talk in a webinar to a group of parents who are part of a programme about the science of focus. They spend 2 weeks learning about creating an environment of focus at home, and I was the expert speaker who turned the focus on them. 

My hour long talk was entitled "Rethinking Successful Parenting: Shifting the Focus to Ourselves". In it, I contrast false notions of successful parenting with the actual harsh realities of parenting, examine parental guilt and it's impact on family dynamics, look at the negative outcomes of unrealistic expectations, make the case for a family blueprint of shared values and common goals, explain the need for healing of past wounds, encourage the practice of mindfulness and the pursuit of self care, emphasise the importance of communication, and outline the virtues of counselling as a means of finding help and growth as a parent. 

I can't quite explain how wonderful it felt to be giving this talk and answering Q&A afterwards... there is a real joy in undertaking something deeply meaningful that is partly drawn from your learning, but largely comes from a wealth of lived experience. I've learnt so much in my life, from the many things I did right, and from my many mistakes, that to be given the opportunity to share that with young parents is #therapeutic in itself for me. How lovely to share from the heart, and how touching to have questions afterwards that reveal the deep need for help that young parents have. Therapeutic activities that serve others are great for our #mentalhealth and give us a boost as we make meaning of our lived experiences. Nothing in life is ever wasted!

I am so grateful to Amutha Saravanan and the Da Vinci Group for giving me the opportunity to be a part of their excellent programme. As neuroscientists, their approach is evidence based and rock solid. I am honoured to be a part of their panel of expert speakers. And totally excited about being invited back on November 4th. Woohoo! If you're a parent, and want to know more, do visit their website at 

https://bit.ly/thescienceoffocus5daychallenge

The opportunities abound to connect with good people who are doing good things, and I am so grateful for them. 🙏

Ps. Caught a pre webinar pix with second son who is a natural born counsellor. My kids were excited for me, though the irony wasn't entirely lost on them. "Ma is giving a talk on parenting... giggle giggle". "Well, yeah, kids, I know a thing or two, and there's no such thing as a perfect parent!" (Or perfect kids, for that matter... but I rarely say that in a loud voice!) 🤣

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #October #GratefulForOpportunities #ScienceOfFocus #TheDaVinciGroup #ParentingSkills #ParentingWebinar #HelpWithTheJourney #Counselling #PatientVoicesSG #Therapeutic #MentalHealth #NothingInLifeIsEverWasted #IMadeItThroughDayEight

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Day 7 in A Month of Gratitude (7th October 2020)

 

Day #7 of A Month Of Gratitude, #AMOG. Today, I am #grateful for one of life's simple joys, #Appams. Yes, a tasty morsel of appam soaked in coconut milk and rolled in brown sugar is such a delectable treat worthy of deep gratitude on so many levels. 

I have no idea how to make appams, but apparently they are made from fermented rice and coconut. The #AwesomeAppamAunties know how to make them perfectly, and while they are best eaten hot at the shop, I'm still content to devour them at home. That mix of coconutty milkiness and sweet sugary gooeyness melting in my mouth with the mild chewiness of slightly souring fermented rice... it's #agastronomicaldelight. 

Part of improving one's #mentalhealth involves occasional treats of things we enjoy, and the simpler these things are, the better. Learning to enjoy #simplejoys leads to contentment. Appams aren't lobsters, but for a fraction of the cost they taste so much better, and might have far less cholesterol! 🤣 Enjoying my appams on a lovely bright morning and hoping all of you have your simple joys, and are content with them, whatever they may be. Treat yourself as part of self care, and look for the simple joys in life. Hugs! ❤

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #GratefulForAppams #AwesomeAppamAunties #AGastronomicalDelight #SimpleJoys #Contentment #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #SelfCare #TreatYourself #IMadeItThroughDaySeven #Yummy

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

Day 6 in A Month of Gratitude (6th October 2020)

Day 6 in A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG. Today, I am #grateful for #mobility, something we all take for granted until we start to lose it. There are days when my joints hurt and walking is a chore but I keep pushing because the exercise actually helps. I call it "thawing the overnight muscle freeze". 🤣

As I walk, I notice others doing the same. From around 5am onwards, a recurring community of walkers, runners and cyclists can be seen navigating their way around my estate. I remember the old Uncle who had clearly suffered a stroke, and who was led out by his helper for his rounds. Also, the more sprightly Uncle who had hurt his back and wore a support belt to help him keep going. One day, I saw an old Aunty wheeled to her home after a jaunt around the neighbourhood in a semi reclining wheelchair, quite dazed, perhaps medicated and not long for this earth. I never saw her again. 

Every morning now, I look out for my fav Aunty in her window. I call her Mary, because she just looks like such a sweet and graceful Mary, and might have been a teacher in her heyday. I can just imagine her in a cheongsam with pearls, expounding the virtues of learning. She calls out to me from her second storey window, I slow down and look at her and we exchange pleasantries and waves. Today, we had the longest conversation yet as I slowed to a standstill and engaged her sweet self. "Good morning, lovely morning walk, yah". "Enjoy your walk". "God bless you". I made suitable replies to each of these statements, blessed her too, and wandered off with a lighter heart.

I can walk, and enjoy my mobility and meander around my estate for 40 mins every morning if I fancy, but Aunty Mary cannot. For whatever reason, she is confined to her room in the mornings, and her contact with the outside world is through these little encounters with walkers; it's her way of remaining connected. Many months ago, she called out to me as I hurried past, and I was acquainted with her existence. Every time I walk past now, I look for her. 

I've seen her daughter (presumably) leave the house sometimes, and I've wondered if I should enquire about Aunty Mary or if that would cross a line. Maybe Aunty Mary wants to keep our chats a "secret", maybe her family doesn't want strange neighbours poking into their affairs. Maybe Aunty Mary is being imprisoned against her will while she is alive so they can siphon off her assets when she goes?!Calm down, Pav, you've watched too many movies! 🤣

As I walked past today I was grateful for Aunty Mary herself, but she reminded me of the joy of mobility, of being able to put on your shoes and just head off in some direction and observe the world go by even as you are in motion. Part of #mentalhealth involves getting out and about and exercising, getting our bodies moving, muscles flexing, oxygen pumping, and generally treating our bodies with the respect they deserve. I hope to keep moving for as long as I can until I simply cannot, and I'm hoping that day doesn't come soon. Staying mobile now can help delay so much, mentally and physically, plus it gives me a buzz... hope you are out and about as often as you can be, dear FB frens. 

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #GratitudeIsAnAttitude #GratefulForMobility #ExerciseIsGood #WalkingRocks #ThawingTheOvernightMuscleFreeze #AuntyMaryIsAMystery #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #IMadeItThroughDaySix

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Day 5 in A Month of Gratitude (5th October 2020)

Day 5 in A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG. Today, I have decided to be #grateful for the monkeys, the troop of macaques that made another appearance this evening as I was cooking sausages and veggie stirfry, as one does when there are too many uncooked pork and rosemary sausages and vegetables in the fridge. 🤣

This is their second visit to my home, and I noticed that the babies had grown. I am assuming it is the same troop as the last time a couple of weeks ago. Lots of little ones, grown since their last visit, prancing about and looking rather adorable. And there in the midst of it all, is one of the mothers. Where was the grumpy alpha male? Checking out some other oasis, perhaps, with his various concubines.  

Yes, my garden is a little oasis for them enroute to their home in the evening after a day of foraging around the estate. I notice that what they really seem to want is to stop in the shade of the trees above my pond, and hop about the ledge outside my bedroom for a few minutes. The outdoor kitchen is near the pond, and as per NParks instruction we have removed every food item so nothing tempts them. Today, however, they were drawn to the smells of sausages and veggies cooking, wafting up to the trees and calling out to them, and I looked up to see several monkeys eyeing me with a "May we stop for dinner?" look. 

The dogs went ballistic, and the monkeys scampered up higher and I banged about with a few loud shoos as per NParks "How to Chase Monkeys Away 101", and that kept them above ground level, and at bay. Once all the cooking was done and everything was stashed away, the monkeys drifted off towards home. I think I am a pit stop for them but they have no notions of permanent residency. My back garden is a spot to hang out, cheerfully splash in the pond if no one notices, nibble a bit of food if possible, and run away gleefully. 

Aren't we all pit stops, in some way, for others?  Don't we want to be an oasis to whom the weary can come and find rest and lay down their burdens and drink waters of life, rediscover some joy, sit to a meal with us and feel loved and welcomed? I know I want to be that oasis to my friends, and I am grateful for the oases in my life. ❤

I thought about their first visit, and how alarmed I had been, and as indignant as the dogs at having our space invaded by 15-20 monkeys of varying sizes, glaring and baring fangs as they protected their young from overly dramatic me... and today I decided not to give in to irrational fears but to play it cool, give the dogs a few minutes to assert themselves, and to clear up quickly and ignore the monkeys. As soon as I went away, they did too. Perhaps I had been prolonging their pit stop with near histrionics and unnecessary drama while they just sat there, looking sage like and probably thinking, "Not sure what drama school she went to but she's not very convincing, is she?" 🤣

Part of #mentalhealthawareness involves recognising our irrational fears, examining our thought processes and affecting change in our behaviour. I am grateful for the monkeys' appearance which gave me a chance to ask myself just how fearful I needed to be, to examine why they were there, to enjoy the little babies and their frolics, and to stand back and allow them to move along quietly. They will return, I am sure of it, and I shall be watchful but unafraid, prepared but unperturbed, civilised but not too friendly. I remain grateful, even for the monkeys. Changing my attitude towards them entirely, to seeing my garden as a pit stop and an oasis for weary travellers, even as I hope to be to the folks in my life. 🙏❤

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #GratitudeIsAnAttitude #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #GratefulForMacaques #IrrationalFears #ConquerFear #BeAnOasis #EverybodyNeedsAPitStop #PreparedButUnperturbed #SausageWithVeggiesStirfryIsYummy #IMadeItThroughDayFive

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

Day 4 of A Month of Gratitude (4th October 2020)

 Day 4 of A Month of Gratitude #AMOG. Today, I am #grateful for the process of #aging. I thought about myself as a bride at 26, and as a 53 year old this year, and I realised that I am a little over twice the age I was back then. Gosh, that's a lot of years in between! And while we all agree age is just a number, one has to acknowledge having clocked lots of hours in 27 years, filled with loads of life experiences that have made me who I am today.

Getting older is often equated with becoming wiser, though I really don't know if that's always the case. I do believe that life's many experiences teach us valuable lessons if we are prepared to learn them, and we can become a repository of wisdom acquired through suffering, and hopefully, someone who can empathise, understand and offer compassion to others because we have journeyed through tough times ourselves. I look back on my younger self and I shudder a little because I was rather clueless, happily in my own universe and somewhat oblivious to the suffering around me. Also, I had lovely, naturally curly, dark brown hair, could read without my glasses, ran, cycled, played hockey, was skinny and wrinkle free. I was generally healthy, and while I had broken a heart or two, mine remained intact. And I hadn't yet spent 40 months gestating 4 babies and bringing them into the world, and all that that entailed.

Now, I've stopped dyeing my hair, my glasses are on all the time since my astigmatism has worsened, my joints and muscles hurt every day, I don't run, cycle or play hockey any more, I've put on weight, and I have stretch marks and wrinkles aplenty plus a couple of surgical scars. I've lived with chronic illness for 23 years, my immune system has to be suppressed, and my heart has been shattered. And I've spent 24 years as a mother, a journey that opened my heart like nothing else has. It's been an education in itself.

Somehow, I don't miss that 26 year old who hadn't really lived life and was on auto pilot, cruise control through a garden of roses. She wasn't a real person, she hadn't grown, she lacked authenticity and empathy, and perhaps she really did exist a little too smugly in her own wonderful universe. Nothing changes you like loss of health and heartbreak, and two dozen years of motherhood in the mix, and I daresay that I love the present me in all her older glory, acknowledging her flaws, accepting her limitations and yet thriving despite them.

Part of cultivating a good state of #mentalheath involves accepting the inevitable in our lives. Each day brings us closer to death as we age, almost imperceptibly, in every moment. I remain grateful for the aging process, and I look forward to the decades to come. Being at peace with one's age and aging can help us age gracefully. Here's hoping you are at peace, too, dear FB frens, with your aging process.

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #October #GratefulForTheAgingProcess #AgingGracefully #Acceptance #RepositoryOfWisdom #Empathy #Compassion #Understanding #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #IMadeItThroughDayFour #Gratitude

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Day 3 in A Month of Gratitude (3rd October 2020)

Day 3 in A Month of Gratitude #AMOG. Today, I am #grateful that I am able to eat. Eating is one of the simplest of joys, and yet many times I have been unable to savour food because of Crohn's flares, obstructions and surgeries that have necessitated liquid diets and i/v drips and "Nil By Mouth". Sometimes we take basic things for granted and we miss them only when they are gone. I have had enough "seasons of starvation" not to forget what it is like to go without food for up to 8 weeks at a time. I remember them all only too well. I dont need to lose food to miss it, I continue to be grateful with every mouthful that I enjoy now.

Had wantan mee at home in the morning, and then long lunch with daughter and old friends and we ate and talked for 4 hours, laughing and remembering 16 years of friendship. A delicious Mediterranean meal that went on for hours as we nibbled away. Being nourished by food and able to digest a meal in the company of lovely people, surrounded by love and joy, sharing openly from our hearts is simply such a blessing. Maintaining one's mental health involves being able to mindfully enjoy every biteful, and savour each flavour, knowing it will nourish every cell in our bodies. We can't be healthy on any level if we aren't eating well. Part of #mentalhealthawareness involves looking after our bodies and eating right. I am so grateful I am able to eat food, for starters!

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #October #SoGrateful #SoGladThatICanEat #SavourEveryFlavour #SoBlessed #MentalHealthAwareness #NourishEachCell #MindfulMunching #IMadeItThroughDayThree

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

Day 2 in A Month of Gratitude (2nd October 2020)

Day 2 of A Month of Gratitude #AMOG sees me happily trundling around my neighbourhood and thinking about my children. I am #grateful for my 4 beautiful kids who are each so different and yet so similar. Their personalities and interests are starkly different and yet their very basic need is the same... to be loved, accepted and cherished as they are, enroute to being better versions of themselves as they grow. The word that resonated as I thought about them on my walk was that they are a "gift". 

Each of them is a gift to me, and if there is a gift, there's usually a giver. I like to think God gave each of them to me, to love and cherish. Along the way we've had our ups and downs but I see each one growing beautifully and I am glad. So glad that my heart could burst. Don't burst, heart, you have to keep going for these kids, and yourself! Be strong, despite the rollercoaster ride of single parenting, because the fruits of my labour are not immediate, but far down the road. 

One needs to see the long picture, kinda like running a marathon and aiming for the end even when you are exhausted early on. Keep on keeping on, and never give up. The rewards come later in all our lives. It's important to train the mind to defer rewards and immediate gratification in so many things in life, and to cultivate gratitude as an attitude in the interim. #MentalHealthAwareness includes building resilience for the long haul and finding the joy in parenting, despite the challenges. Our kids will be miserable if we are miserable! Why not infect them with joy instead? 😊

So on this day I thanked God for the gift of my 4 lovely children, said a prayer for them, and remembered the many who want kids but cannot have them, who have had kids but have lost them, and those whose kids are miles away from them. My heart goes out to them. May they find joy in other good gifts given by the Giver of Life Himself. God is closer than we think. Be blessed! ❤

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #GratitudeIsAnAttitude #MentalHealthAwareness #October #IMadeItThroughDayTwo #GratefulForMyKids

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

Day 1 in A Month of Gratitude (1st October 2020)

Today is Day 1 of #AMonthOfGratitude aka #AMOG. I decided to rewire my brain by focusing on gratitude for 31 days in October and to be thankful in all things as far as possible, in the hope that I would be more at peace and happier no matter what might come my way. Ironically, but perhaps unsurprisingly, I woke up feeling exhausted having slept poorly, and somewhat grumpy, with a headache and joint pains. Ugh. But I told myself my morning walk awaited, as did #AMOG. Die, die must do, and so I did. An overcast day greeted me and my mood seemed to suit it.

What am I grateful for today, on my first day of #AMOG? Quite simply, for starters, I am grateful that I began this dedication of October to gratitude. I really needed it today as I trudged about my estate. My head and muscles were heavy and I felt waves of sadness threatening to engulf me. My mornings are sometimes like this, touched by melancholy and a flavour of lingering grief. There are butterflies in my tummy as if I am poised for flight, involved in a perpetual "fight or flee" with the world. A vestigial remnant from my hunter-gatherer ancestors, perhaps? I do not know, but often I awake and feel like the day will swallow me up in a maelstrom of grief and sorrow if I let my guard down. Perhaps this is a kind of lingering PTSD, and I am still processing trauma in my life. Perhaps I live too much in my emotions. Perhaps I am, indeed, an overthinker!

This makes my walks and self talks all the more important and necessary as a means to assess myself and head into the day aware of my feelings and state of mind. I recognised the signs, I told myself to "Stop", not to allow the sorrow to linger, to pound it out on the streets, to release it in prayer, to breathe it out as I walked. I asked myself what I was grateful for today, and nothing really seemed to speak to me. Today is one of those days, then.

A day when you recognise your ability to gather yourself and your feelings together through sheer willpower and you tell yourself your feelings don't rule you, you're in charge of them. This is always a challenge for me, not to live in my emotions. I am grateful I decided to start this month of gratitude, and I want to have 31 days to look back over and to remember my journey. What were my thoughts, how did I feel, and what did I do with my feelings, and how did they affect my behaviour?

I hope to tame my melancholy side by reminding her that #GratitudeIsAnAttitude worth cultivating, and so I am grateful to have begun this journey today. It helped me gather my feelings together and move beyond them. Thank you for journeying with me as I wander through my estate, and the maze of my thoughts, feelings and actions. I do feel this is a way to be real, authentic and honest. A vital part of encouraging #MentalHealthAwareness is to encourage ourselves to keep it real and to be mindfully self aware, genuinely authentic and openly vulnerable. Here's wishing you a day of gratitude.

#MentalHealthAwareness #GratitudeIsAnAttitude #October #AMonthOfGratitude #AMOG #Authenticity #KeepingItReal #IMadeItThroughDayOne #LivingBeyondFeelings

Thanks for reading,

Pav

A Month of Gratitude

Love this idea of counting blessings and cultivating gratitude in the process. I've been seeing many of my awesome friends doing various things to raise awareness for mental health, like running, and push ups. And I'm inspired to do something too, only a lot less physically demanding due to my limitations. I walk in the mornings as often as I can, and my walks are contemplative times when I often process something on my heart, give myself a pep talk, say a little prayer, argue with God, or even shed a tear or two... and all the while I am soaking in the beauty that I see all around me. It's therapeutic and healing, as is gratitude.

Gratitude is really the best attitude to have because it puts things in perspective, is the springboard to contentment, and opens the heart to others. When we are grateful we are far less bitter, much more at peace, and possibly even happier. But it takes practice to build a habit of gratitude and to cultivate it as an attitude, and apparently it takes 21 days to do this. Well, starting from 1st October I am initiating 31 days of gratitude. Build the habit and knock on 10 extra days for good measure, to ensure "muscle" memory is truly intact. Just in case I need a little extra rewiring due to less than ideal habits.

My month of gratitude might seem trivial on some days to some, as I can find joy in a leaf without much difficulty (I love leaves!) and I've been asked in the past if all I do is watch butterflies and birds in my garden. I wish! Best thing ever!

I hope to rewire my brain to be thankful and content with what I have around and in me, and to encourage others to do the same by posting my reflections on gratitude daily. It's a small step in the larger picture of cultivating mental health and strength, priming ourselves to be resilient and to thrive under duress, and in and through tough times. Find the silver lining, and hang on. Tough times will always be around the corner, we have to be ready to face them.

If we can learn to be grateful for all that we are and have, perhaps some day we can even be grateful for the tough times too. When we can say "Thank you for the good and the bad in my life", then we can face anything that comes. Stay tuned, dear friends, A Month of Gratitude (AMOG) is around the corner! Feel free to join me if you wish.

#mentalhealthawareness #gratitude #gratitudeattitude #October2020

Thank you for reading,

Pav