The Beauty of Flowers

Living a life of gratitude on Day 25 of a 30 Day Liquid Diet. Today I am grateful for the beauty of flowers.

I spent several hours today visiting people who are old or ill. One was a visit to the doctor with the old folks, and another was a visit to the hospital to see how a friend was doing. Visiting a friend in hospital became a reunion of sorts as a mutual friend turned up there. Hey, party time! :)

My friend insisted on sending me home, and on the way she asked if I'd like to buy flowers because she was planning to do so. I nearly fell off my seat! Buy flowers? Of course! I love buying flowers! I just haven't been buying them for myself for a while now.

And so after a very long time, I got myself some unsual orchids and my fav orange Indian roses. So very beautiful. I arranged them, and touched them and felt the silky velvet of their petals and rejoiced to have such beauty within my grasp.

Flowers are very special to me. They are fragile yet hardy, with soft petals on hard stems, have a myriad of colours and shades, and whether fragrant or not, they are so beautiful. Even though they wilt and die like any other living thing, and their life seems so short, they bring so much joy to those who truly appreciate them.

I'm enjoying my flowers and relishing the thought of spoiling myself more often with flowery treats. I simply love them. So grateful for flowers, and their beauty today. The mind and heart rejoices to look upon such things of beauty. We innately recognise true beauty when we see it, especially in nature. Nothing speaks so eloquently of beauty to me. Blessed!

Thanks for reading,

Pav

A Lovely, Lively Day

Living with gratitude on Day 24 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for all the lively people in my life.

I had a poor night's sleep yesterday and woke up thinking of the 3 things I wanted to do today. Make it to church, visit my kids' Grandparents, and take my kids out to dinner. Would I be able to manage it all while feeling quite like a squashed cabbage?

My son had ordered Macs at 130am, and despite telling the delivery guy not to ring the doorbell but to call him instead.... the doorbell got rung. And I was woken up and I didn't get back to sleep till 430am. Up with the larks, as usual, at 630am, I made it to church for the 815am Mass. Popped by to visit Grandparents and stayed for 5 hours, and rounded up the kids later for dinner over a couple of hours.

Flying on steroid fumes and IsoCal/Resource alone, I have no idea how I managed all that with poor sleep. I realised that part of me was craving a quiet curl up away from the noisy world but that if I wanted to do all that I had planned, I would have to face the world, and all the lively people in it. And so I determined to get through it, one step at a time.

At Mass, I was surrounded by very lively types. A pair of ladies chatted beside me throughout Mass. A mother and her son chatted a fair bit right behind me, with Mum singing quite off key and son snorting through his morning rhinitis as if his nose was a blocked elephant trunk. In front of me, a family struggled with a disobedient youngest son who enjoyed taunting Mum and disrespecting Dad and smacking his siblings. Aiyoh. I could barely focus. Such a lively Mass, but this squashed cabbage decided to just accept it all in good stride and get to the next event of the day. Don't sweat the small stuff, especially if it isn't yours!

Visiting the kids' grandparents is always lovely. They are so old, and enjoy a good visit and company. Grandma can talk to me for 5 hours nonstop and so we almost did just that, except for 30 mins when she noticed my eyes glaze over and I attempted to snooze.

Enter the boy next door who decided right then to try and be a drummer. Lovely. Sigh. No rest for me, and so Grandma and I continued chatting. Truly lovely to connect and be available for someone in need. So much of my day passed surrounded by voices vying for my attention and I was glad to have these lively people in my life. Somehow this squashed cabbage was lifted from one moment to the next.

The last event was dinner with my kids. Such a beautiful outing to try Taiwanese porridge at Goodwood Park Hotel. Reasonably priced "eat a bucket load of food" buffet. A friend of mine wants to take me there some time so I decided to check it out with my kids. The kids stuffed themselves while I fantasized about coming back when I can eat.

We chatted, laughed and were silly. They were so lively, and I found myself caught up in it all too. My kids are my most favourite people in the world. I am biased, I know. I hung on to every word they said, imagining what it will be like once they are gone from my life and silence reigns. There'll be time enough for curling up in quiet then. I want to remember every precious moment that happens now.

And so I managed to get through a grace filled day surrounded by noise and animated conversations, was blessed and hopefully a blessing too, and tonight I shall enter into a blissful and well deserved sleep. Perhaps I shall dream of my porridge lunch in town with a friend this Friday afternoon, the actual end of my fast from food. I look forward to it. It's getting harder each day and I am so hungry. I'm almost there. I am grateful for the lively people upon whose voices I have wafted along today, and that the very presence and love of family has been reason enough to keep going. So blessed to have a lovely, lively day!

Thanks for reading,

Pav

In the Absence of Miraculous Healing

Living in gratitude on Day 23 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for suffering. Yes, even for suffering.

I was asked a question today, in response to my reluctance to go to a particular church meeting for a healing miracle. "Don't you want to get healed?!"

Excuse me? Er... of course, I do! I'd love to be healed! That would be so wonderful. Who wouldn't want to be healed from over two decades of chronic illness and to be able to eat freely again? I just don't believe that I need to run from one healing meeting to another or "pursue healing" to get it. I believe that God need only say the word, and I'd be healed right here, right now.

The fact that it hasn't happened that way simply means, to me, that God has other plans for me. To me, walking and growing in the Christian faith must involve suffering to some extent, largely because we live in an imperfect world fraught with pain and sin, and also because as disciples of Christ, we are no less than Him. He suffered. His mission was one of suffering, culminating with His death on the cross.

We are all called to bear our crosses and follow Him. We can't bear a cross with grace and dignity if we are continuously seeking to offload it at the same time. I believe the offloading of our crosses is up to God's timing and will for our lives. The bearing of the cross is our job in life.

The crosses we bear help shape us. They are meant to draw us closer to God, and deepen our relationship with Him and transform us into His likeness, if we allow them to do so. If we constantly seek to get rid of our crosses how can we learn the lessons they are meant to teach us?

I fear the notion that we are all meant to be blessed and prosperous and happy all the time has robbed many of the opportunity to truly grow their faith through an acceptance of suffering. Suffering grows the soul, teaches it to wait on God, helps the soul focus on the eternal, and can enlarge the heart despite deep pain and hurt.

Do I want to be healed? Of course, I do. Do I enjoy suffering? Of course, I do not. And yet I find I am experiencing suffering in some measure. I have to find a way to make meaning of it all. The best way forward, I feel, is to accept it, embrace it, to make meaning of it, and to surrender it back to God.

It's almost blaming a patient for not being well when you ask them, "Don't you want to get healed?" through your preferred sources of miraculous healing. I've been to these meetings before, and I'm still living with chronic illness. I've known of faith filled people dying of cancer too. Where was their faith, and didn't they want to be healed too? Of course, they did. But God is sovereign and His plans and thoughts and ways are higher than ours. Illness exists, it even persists, and often it kills us. It's a reality we cannot escape in this world.

I find it best to say as Christ did in the Garden of Gethesemane, "Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass me by. Nevertheless, let it be as you, not I, would have it." In other words, "Let your will be done".

To get to this place of even remotely desiring suffering as God's will, and accepting it, is the actual work of faith in our lives, and is echoed by the saints themselves who count their trials and persecutions as blessings. The constant desperate desire to escape pain and suffering, which is loosely viewed as some faith filled fantasy, bypasses the deep and lasting work of God that builds character. So many are weak and their faith is shallow because they would not embrace suffering as God's will for their lives. They turn against suffering, and see it as a sign of a lack of faith. It's all topsy turvy, to me.

Do I want to be healed? Yes, please God, feel free to heal me right now. But I just want to say that even if you don't I'll love you no less. I'm working out my faith in the absence of big miracles, but grateful for all the little ones along the way. I'm counting all my blessings, and learning to view the bad stuff as part of your plan for my life. It's ultimately all good.

I am grateful that even suffering has a place in my life. A thorn in my flesh that may never leave, but that has its purpose. Help me bear my crosses with grace and dignity, Lord, until you lift them from me.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Kindness from the Wounded Healer

Living in gratitude on Day 22 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for the gift of kindness.

Nothing melts my heart as much as kindness. Kindness is essentially a gift. We don't have to be kind, it's a conscious choice we make that blesses those who give and receive kindness.

Each of us faces our own struggles and hardships in life. Imagine a world where our pains were ameliorated by many, many acts of kindness, random or otherwise. We bless others, especially those who are undeserving, and in so doing, we send out ripples of joy, healing, grace, and mercy. We have the power within us to create so much good for others and for ourselves, and to ease pain, both our own, and that of others.

I believe that in reaching out to others who are wounded we help heal ourselves. It's the only way to heal, really. We are all wounded healers, bearing within us our wounds that may never truly heal though they begin to dim with time, if we allow them. Reaching out with our open wounds enables us to stitch ourselves back together. Accepting kindness from others allows us to help repair those wounds in them, and even the wounds in ourselves. It is truly God's grace and mercy at work restoring life to the damaged soul that yearns for a touch from God and a sign that He is close and cares. God uses the listening heart that says, "Here I am, Lord, use me, wounds and all".

As wounded healers we help heal the world by giving of ourselves, and kindness is the best place to begin because often wounds have their origins in deep and unkind hurt. Imagine the reversal of the pain and hurt when the balm of kindness is applied to these wounds. How beautiful to bring that healing, how marvelous to receive it too.

Today I was blessed by a dear friend of mine whose generosity touched my heart and spoke to my soul. I found myself weeping, and sobbing, and stunned. My heart needed a touch of kindness, and in receiving this particular one, it felt the very caress of God upon it. Healing, from one wounded healer to another, and the reminder that showing and receving kindness is God's love shed abroad in our hearts. I am so grateful for this beautiful kindness, and for my dear friend. I am inspired to acts of generosity and kindness myself, and that's the beauty of living through the healing touch of kindness. You simply want to pass it on.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

An End to a Cycle Of Transformation

Living in gratitude on Day 21 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful that every cycle of transformation has its end.

Two nights ago a beautiful male Common Mormon came into my bedroom and landed on my lampshade, drawn, no doubt, to the light. I was thrilled to see it but also wanted it to spend the night outside rather than flapping about my head in the dark. After a few attempts I managed to release it. I've never encountered such a reluctant release... he didn't want to leave and kept flying back in.

The thought briefly crossed my mind that perhaps he was dying, but I thought it best that he died outside, feeling just a little squirmish at the thought of a dead butterfly in my bed. Imagine my sadness to discover that somehow, he had returned later to the safety of my room, and died there in a corner near my door. His lifeless body was found there by my helper who placed him on a table, uncertain what to do with him.

When I saw him I thought he had landed on the table, only to discover that he was dead. What a sad thing it is to see a beautiful creature like a butterfly lie dead. I have always loved butterflies since I was a child and I felt deeply saddened that I had not recognised that it was dying when it first visited me. I wish I had known and had treated it more kindly.

Butterflies speak to me of metamorphosis or transformation. They are the ultimate in undergoing near catastrophic change that results in complete metamorphosis into a new form, shape, colour; in fact, a whole new life. There's a time span in which this happens, then the butterfly lives briefly and dies. Its transformation from caterpillar to butterfly is marked by a beginning and an ending.

I look at my own life and see near catastrophic events that I have had to embrace as inevitable change, and reluctant opportunities for transformation. I had long felt like the caterpillar blissfully going along nibbling leaves in my own little world. I have suddenly found myself struggling the most in the chrysalis stage, totally crushed and unrecognisable even to myself. I have waited, prayed, cried and grieved through all the change in my life until I came to realise that my chrysalis was not meant to trap me forever.

I feel like this particular phase of metamorphosis in my life is over, and I am emerging from my chrysalis. It's time to spread my wings and fly. To be beautiful and to believe it, because I am. To bring joy to the lives of others simply by being me, because there is so much goodness and lightness in my soul. I want to be unabashed and totally accepting of the fact that I am beautiful in every possible way. It's a truth that nobody can take away from me. I've transformed into a totally new me. It's time to push through the cracked chrysalis and emerge, knowing that a new life has begun. And it's a better brand new version of me. The old me died, and made way for the new me. It's exciting!

I am grateful that I can feel this in my soul finally. It's like a resurrection of sorts when one has felt dead for a very long time. I look forward to feeling alive and vibrant, to being a blessing to others and to finding meaning and fulfilment in life. It's all there, within my reach, and the pieces of my life's puzzle are slowly falling into place. I am so grateful that this cycle of transformation has its end. It's time!

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Savouring Time Together

Living in gratitude on Day 20 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for the time I have left with second son, Sach, who hopes to leave for uni in August. The months are flying past. Before I know it, he will be gone. And I'll be messaging and waiting for holidays and wondering how he is doing. Practising now with number one son who has left. :)

Today I took Sach and my 4th son, Cesar, for Japanese lunch, and to watch "The Post". Highly recommend the movie. Great stuff about the Vietnam War, Pentagon Papers, Official Secrets, Freedom of the Press, and the true story of Katherine Graham, Publisher of The Washington Post. Featuring Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep and an excellent ensemble cast. Streep got her 21st Oscar nomination for this role. Watch it!

Watching the boys eat was such a treat. Sach loves Japanese food. Sushi, sashimi and exquisite bites to tickle the palate. The dishes were so colourful, and tastefully done and we talked about textures and flavours and how it's an art, really. I sipped my Resource on the sly, hoping I wouldn't get thrown out for BYO to a fancy Japanese restaurant. Ooops :)Turns out we had stuff to celebrate... Cesar got above 90% for all his Engineering course exams recently. That boy works so hard to keep his scholarship. He's an inspiration! Meanwhile, overnight, he built the Lego Millenium Falcon that has been languishing in the house for 2 Christmases waiting for somebody to put the pieces together. He did it! Wonderful!

Some shopping for sneakers, snacks and drinks and we came home and later the boys ate the goulash I made yesterday. It kinda soaked up the gravy overnight and flavours got a bit too intense but it was a success. Another day of feeding kids, and getting feedback on how to feed them better. Sweet. :) Some day it'll just be me. And I'm the easiest to feed, really! I hardly eat these days! ;)

Every day is so special. Hidden away in the noisy madness or eerie silence, or absence even, is a jewel of a moment that reveals itself if we are looking for it. The moment that says whatever else we have endured, whatever the highs and lows have been, whatever has been said and done, there will always be unconditional love here for you. Open hearts that communicate that love both ways. So beautiful. So many shared moments of knowing that our bond is deep.

I know I am going to miss Sach, but I rejoice that he will soon be finding his way in the world, and that I am blessed to have another two kids waiting in the wings to launch out on their journeys in due course. Preparing now to let go. It is as it should be. So grateful for every moment I have left now with Sach. Thank you, Sach, for being you!

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Laughter, my Favourite Medicine

Living with gratitude on Day 19 of a 30 day liquid diet. So very grateful today for laughter with friends!

Thanks dear Sheetal Vohra Gulati and Nandini Sukhtankar for dropping by and bringing your brand of laughter. It was so much fun. It's been ages since we last met, and yet we carried on as if no time had passed between us. A sign of true friendship where souls can be open hearted and comfortable with each other. Such a gift to have friends like these two gorgeous, laughing, charming ladies.

Laughter is the best medicine, and I think that's very true. You can feel the transformative power of a full bellied laugh, and even the action of smiling sends signals back to the brain that affect our general well being. Being happy is a choice we make every single day. It's a deliberate and conscious choice we make no matter what the circumstances.

I've learnt to honour and respect myself in the midst of unhappy thoughts or moments but not to stay there with them for long. I recognise them, I am kind to myself and experience them and then I let them go. I have to before they infect me with their melancholy and drag me down to sorrow and grief. One cannot live there for long and hope to be healthy and at peace. Grief and sorrow have their place, but in letting them go we allow better things to come in.

The better things nourish the soul and feed us, not just to keep us alive or sustain us but to help us thrive. I've discovered laughter is one of these better things. It's essential, like a vitamin or minerals that our bodies need. Without it, we shrivel up and lose ourselves.

Two lovely ladies I met on my course in 2016 took the time to bring cheer and laughter and blessed me with their thoughtful gifts and sweet souls. My own soul felt like it expanded as we talked and laughed and shared our experiences. What a precious blessing of love and joy today. I am so grateful.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Steroid Reduction!

Living in gratitude on Day 18 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for being able to scale back on my steroids, and for understanding my own journey.

When I was in hospital they pumped me with 100mgs of steroids 3 times a day,  reduced doses and then sent me home with 20 mgs of prednisone every morning. I hate steroids and their side effects. Nasty stuff. But I have no choice if I want to get into remission quickly.

The last time I was on steroids was in 2013 and I had to stop abruptly when I broke my ankle. The steroids had weakened my bones over the years I'd been on and off them. Additionally, I struggled to sleep, had headaches, bone pain and got bloated up. I got emotional and found myself tearful and moody. My eyesight was affected too with occasional blurry vision.  When I went off steroids altogether in 2013 I lost 20kgs. That's a lot of weight gain from meds. The worst thing about them is they leach the calcium from your bones over time. I can actually feel bone pain as that happens.

Today I have dropped from 20mgs of pred to 15mgs for a week. Next Monday I will drop to 10mgs, the week after to 5mgs and then eventually zero. By then I should be eating. And I hope to be free of side effects too.

I've been ravenous because of the steroids and not able to eat so I've been drinking my liquids a lot. Think I've put on a kilo now that I am starting to bloat. And I am tearful. I burst into tears several times a day, usually because of a passing thought. It's like I'm outside of myself, looking in on my life and feeling a little lost. I feel rather disoriented today. Exhausted and lightheaded. I understand why and so I am being kind to myself.

I had a good first day on reduced meds, enjoyed my morning walk, shared some laughs with old friends, enjoyed my kids, planned a new goulash recipe for youngest son who loves his beef, planned a trip with my daughter, and watched my fav tv shows. A restful day allowing my body to adjust and being kind to myself at every turn.

If we aren't kind to ourselves we'll be in deep trouble, because nobody else can really understand what we each endure in our own bodies. Grateful today for my own gift of understanding and kindness to myself as I reduce and adjust meds slowly down. It's all okay, one day at a time. Slowly but surely I will get there.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

I Made It!

Living with gratitude on Day 17 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am so grateful that I made it through my Cognitive Behaviour Therapy unit for my MA in Counseling.

I sat through 20 hours of lectures, contributed to discussions with my group, wrote scripts, edited material, presented our group powerpoint slides and was a counselor in our role plays. All on a liquid diet with steroid induced heart palpitations and slightly trembling hands. I made it!

The lecturer was pleased, we were relieved, and now we have got one 4000 word assignment to finish for this unit. Then I begin my placement and actual counseling under supervision and have 2 more coursework units to complete. I'm excited!

So very grateful for the grace of God that saw me through these past 4 days, especially today's marathon full day, for the joy of the Lord that is my strength, and for the gift of the right people in my group. It all came together beautifully. Partly because I was ready for it, and partly because it was meant to be this way. Wonderful. I just love it when things conspire to work together well. Lovely!

Now to think about my written assignment! Well, maybe tomorrow lah.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

The Understanding Doctor

Living with gratitude on Day 16 of my 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for my gastro doctor.

I saw him yesterday, and fell apart in his clinic. I told him I was starving, was hungry all the time, had lost 3 kgs and felt very upset with it all. I told him how it all seemed so unfair and senseless and how ridiculous it was that I couldn't eat after everything I'd been through. Another 2 weeks and I'd be a bag of bones, I insisted, and that's hardly optimal! He listened to my mini rant patiently, patted my hand and told me that he understood how I felt.

It might sound trite, but coming from my doctor, it doesn't at all. He's known me for 15 years and knows what works and doesn't work for me. He knows how I feel about many things and he truly knows my heart, and he does understand how I feel. And he has the loveliest bedside manners. He's always patting my hand and comforting me and knows just what to say and when to be funny, and he takes a bit of nonsense from me too. We give and take.

We decided to stick to the liquid diet for another 2 weeks and to take some other meds where necessary to counter problems caused by the liquids I was taking. We discussed adjustment to meds dosing to fine tune things and manage any lingering discomfort. I got a B12 jab to see me through a busy weekend and give me an energy boost.

We looked through my blood work, noticed a recalcitrantly low potassium level and decided that I had to get back on supplements. We collaboratively worked through a treatment plan. That's one thing I really like, his ability to work together with me rather than using a top down approach. I feel empowered when my voice and views are heard and considered, and I am able to comfortably veto something or suggest alternatives. This gives me a semblance of control over the illness, which has implications for individual autonomy and a sense of self worth.

He helps me feel like a human being, at moments when my humanity is under threat because this vessel that houses the essential me, my body, is falling apart. When I cried he was alright with my tears, knowing that I have been so strong for so long and that I do break down from time to time. He told me he had recently re-read my entire medical history with him over the past 15 years and that in his view, I deserved a medal. That made me laugh slightly because I've always wanted one from LKY for 3 sons through NS eventually, but that never happened. :)

I apologised to my doctor for breaking down and having a little rant and he said that that was why he was there. To help relieve me of some stress, and to get me back to living a fully functional life again. I felt so grateful, and remembered that he too, was another fellow human being. 

I noticed that he had a bit of a cough, so we chatted about his health a bit, and I patted his hand and hoped he'd get better soon. We joked and parted company on a conspiratorial note... I told him that I would definitely  make it all the way through the 30 days on liquids and he said, "Malaysians always can!" I jauntily said, "Malaysia Boleh!" My dear Malaysian doctor may have forgotten that I am a Singaporean now, though I think it makes no difference to him. He recognises another Malaysian born and made heart and spirit. I am so grateful for my doctor!

Thanks for reading,

Pav