I saw him yesterday, and fell apart in his clinic. I told him I was starving, was hungry all the time, had lost 3 kgs and felt very upset with it all. I told him how it all seemed so unfair and senseless and how ridiculous it was that I couldn't eat after everything I'd been through. Another 2 weeks and I'd be a bag of bones, I insisted, and that's hardly optimal! He listened to my mini rant patiently, patted my hand and told me that he understood how I felt.
It might sound trite, but coming from my doctor, it doesn't at all. He's known me for 15 years and knows what works and doesn't work for me. He knows how I feel about many things and he truly knows my heart, and he does understand how I feel. And he has the loveliest bedside manners. He's always patting my hand and comforting me and knows just what to say and when to be funny, and he takes a bit of nonsense from me too. We give and take.
We decided to stick to the liquid diet for another 2 weeks and to take some other meds where necessary to counter problems caused by the liquids I was taking. We discussed adjustment to meds dosing to fine tune things and manage any lingering discomfort. I got a B12 jab to see me through a busy weekend and give me an energy boost.
We looked through my blood work, noticed a recalcitrantly low potassium level and decided that I had to get back on supplements. We collaboratively worked through a treatment plan. That's one thing I really like, his ability to work together with me rather than using a top down approach. I feel empowered when my voice and views are heard and considered, and I am able to comfortably veto something or suggest alternatives. This gives me a semblance of control over the illness, which has implications for individual autonomy and a sense of self worth.
He helps me feel like a human being, at moments when my humanity is under threat because this vessel that houses the essential me, my body, is falling apart. When I cried he was alright with my tears, knowing that I have been so strong for so long and that I do break down from time to time. He told me he had recently re-read my entire medical history with him over the past 15 years and that in his view, I deserved a medal. That made me laugh slightly because I've always wanted one from LKY for 3 sons through NS eventually, but that never happened. :)
I apologised to my doctor for breaking down and having a little rant and he said that that was why he was there. To help relieve me of some stress, and to get me back to living a fully functional life again. I felt so grateful, and remembered that he too, was another fellow human being.
I noticed that he had a bit of a cough, so we chatted about his health a bit, and I patted his hand and hoped he'd get better soon. We joked and parted company on a conspiratorial note... I told him that I would definitely make it all the way through the 30 days on liquids and he said, "Malaysians always can!" I jauntily said, "Malaysia Boleh!" My dear Malaysian doctor may have forgotten that I am a Singaporean now, though I think it makes no difference to him. He recognises another Malaysian born and made heart and spirit. I am so grateful for my doctor!
Thanks for reading,
Pav
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