Someone told me that I was brave because I had a certain perspective on illness, and my response was that finding meaning in illness and suffering helps one become brave. I don't think any one of us is born with the necessary courage to endure difficulty. I believe one can become brave and courageous in the face of adversity by seeking meaning and by remaking one's narrative.
A narrative is a story, and like any good story it has heroes, and villains, a main plot with themes and sub themes, plenty of drama, elements of tragedy, moments of comedy and basically has a beginning, a long middle part and an ending. That's just a conveniently simplistic view. :)
How we see ourselves is primary to how our narratives develop and unfold. If we think we are a victim then that's our main role and theme. If we aspire to be the heroine then our narratives are punctuated by many heroic deeds against nearly impossible odds, and, depending on our definition of a hero, we might succeed simply by attempting to heights of greatness. What we tell ourselves about ourselves is so important in feeding and constructing our narratives. We are what we think we are, to some extent.
We all have our stories, and whether we realise it or not, we are contributing to our narrative everyday. We edit, embellish, reframe, destroy and rewrite our narratives many times over, either in subconscious subtle ways or by consciously shutting away past chapters and taking our conclusion in a new direction altogether. The human mind is so powerful at doing this, and we need to learn to harness this for our own good by focusing on all that is good and that builds us up, and letting go of the sad and unhelpful things that tear us down.
We do this to reconcile what we wanted life to be like, and the reality of what it actually is like. We all have hopes and dreams, and when these are dashed we cannot process our failings without totally falling to pieces because very often our sense of self esteem is too fragile. We are devastated too easily when things fall apart, and we can find no answers to the "Why?" questions. There seems to be a gap there, and we simply cannot allow a vacuum to exist but feel the need to fill it with meaning. Reconstructing our narratives becomes an important tool to help us rebuild ourselves through adversity.
When chronic illness throws a spanner in the works and rears its ugly head over and over again, a person can lose their sense of identity, and they struggle to find meaning in life. Theirs is a narrative interrupted. These interruptions are like fault lines, there through no fault of the individual but always quietly waiting to throw things into upheaval.
Reconstructing my life's narrative has had to become a very important task as I have struggled with important and large questions like "Who am I?", "How do I Live as the Insignificant Other?", "Does my life still have meaning?", "How shall I rise above my personal struggles?" And of course, everybody's ultimate question, "What is happiness?"
I believe that when we personally define "happiness" for ourselves then our narratives begin to practically write themselves. Happiness, for me, is dying to self and living a life of service to others. The heart of man is such that it is never satisfied no matter how much it is fed. It is inherently selfish, and seeks personal gain at all cost. This is basic human nature. One has to consciously choose to move away from that. When one selflessly chooses to seek the happiness of others then the heart and soul are enlarged, and life has a deeper and broader meaning. This depth extends to the narrative too. Life becomes deeply, and truly, meaningful.
I am grateful that in the reworking of my narrative, despite the rollercoaster ride of chronic illness, I have found the unlimited grace and loving mercy of God that allows me to keep going. It's acceptable to make mistakes because His unconditional love never stops forgiving us and giving us second chances. It's fine to edit the narrative as life unfolds, to go back and look at things and understand why life happened the way it did, and to look forward and to try to navigate the future with self awareness and an open heart.
It's good to live the present with a vulnerable and generous heart, willing to engage with others, to serve and to rise above one's limitations daily. One must try to everyday. This way, when one reaches the end of their narrative there are fewer regrets and a sense of some accomplishment. And God will say to us, "Well done, my beloved servant, enter into your rest". I think I'd like that to be the epilogue of my narrative. :)
Thanks for reading,
Pav
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