My last day in Ireland and my thoughts go to the Lee family saga in Singapore. Finally caught up with recent events. Some voices call for a court fight, and my immediate reaction is to hope it never happens, and to write my thoughts down in a lengthy reflection. Mediate, don't litigate. I, too, have chosen mediation over litigation in the past and I'd choose it again for any dispute.
BLESSED ARE THE PEACEMAKERS
It seems to be that the easiest way to resolve disputes these days is to opt to go to court and have a neutral third party, usually a judge, decide things for you. Parties hire their respective lawyers, gird up their loins, and prepare for battle.
It's often a protracted process, usually a nasty and bloody business, very costly and financially draining, and despite the appearance of a winner and a loser, in reality both parties lose a lot. The only ones who truly gain anything outright are the lawyers who can charge you by the hour, and fleece you a little, or a lot, depending on the pot of gold in contention.
When family members engage in these battles at court, not quite unlike those courtly battles of yore when brothers slew each other for a chance at their father's crown, there is often a lot at stake.
While large fortunes are usually at the core of these disputes, all manner of other things become relevant. The family name and honour usually ends up being dragged through the mud as its dirtied linen is aired for all the world to see. The individual's integrity comes into question as all sorts of accusations are made, often substantiated by information gleaned from personal communiques.
The trust built up between individuals, no matter how weak or bleak it may have been, is utterly annihilated as every minute detail of communication is aired and examined and cross examined and used in support of self or against one another. Nothing is deemed sacred as dirt is dug up, and the worst possible interpretation wrung out of every word or phrase, narrowly staying within the interpretative limits of the law.
Words are twisted, meanings are exaggerated, and character assassination is the norm. Back and forth words fly, until parties almost begin to believe the negative spin put on their words and lives. Retaliation is mandatory, in measured yet certain tones, so that nobody loses face or their place in the game. It's all about winning, and it sucks you in deeper.
How can the virtues of trust and respect and honour endure in the face of such a continuing onslaught and the inherent revelation that the supposed relationship between parties is no longer worth salvaging? These virtues simply cannot survive within the constraints of litigious actions and non-reconciliatory behaviour, and their death knell marks the end of all that was truly good between parties.
Only a passing shadow remains of whatever halcyonic and idyllic days there may have been once in a distant past when love may have inhabited the hearts of parents, siblings, spouses, children; all the sacred human relationships we find ourselves in that make us who we truly are. Now that sacred bond is broken, and intentionally destroyed in a battle for victory. The human heart breaks too, because it is made for love, and not for indifference or hate. How to survive such a ghastly disruption of one's humanity?
The human mind quickly steps in to paint the other as darkly as possible, partly because of deep hurt and anger, possibly a need for revenge, and certainly as a coping mechanism to survive whatever onslaught the psyche has endured throughout this battle.
Extreme positions are taken, walls are built and fiercely guarded, no guilt or remorse is expressed lest it is perceived as a weakness, and always each side sees itself as self righteously good and right while the other is always wicked and wrong. Black and white portrayals are pursued, no ground must be lost to the other and after weeks or months, possibly even years of this, the mind and heart come to believe all of that is true.
The reality, however is far from that, but the entire battle has acquired a farcical air by now, and is so far detached from reality. Parties believe whatever keeps them sane. They are poles apart and are likely to always remain so. The battle scars individuals for life, and no one ever really recovers from the experience. Time does not heal all wounds.
Once the courts are involved, the game is on to declare a winner and the position is taken that only one person can emerge victorious. Since this is not mediation or reconciliation that works towards a win-win situation, or a restoration of relationship, the battle is not a small skirmish or a series of little wars. It's a full onslaught between parties that throws everything in the book, and the kitchen sink, at each other. It's an outright mega war. The war of all wars that is meant to preempt any other wars, where possible.
It's agonisingly brutal. It drains you psychologically and emotionally. It affects your health, and your sleep and your whole life seems to revolve around it. In short, it consumes you, no matter how much you try to avoid being consumed by it. It eats you up because the tactics employed to win cause you to shift from being a person who cares about the other to someone who wants them dead, almost. Brothers have been known to kill for a crown, and even less.
It's shocking how the mind and heart shift in battle, and if we're self aware, we notice this shift. If we are people of integrity, we decry it, and refuse to give in to it and suffer terribly as long as the battle continues, because deep down inside, not every one of us wants to slay our brother to be king. We are not all made for battle.
Many of us are made for peace, knowing full well deep down in our hearts, where God touches the essence of who we are, that truly, blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the sons of God. Perhaps we all begin as peacemakers in life, and wander off that path somehow.
For the peacemaker who delights in being a child of God, the battle soils the spirit. It dulls the voice of God and hollows out the soul. It begins a hardening of the heart that leads to an escape from the presence of God because the heart and soul knows it is disobeying the call of God. They hide away from the piercing light, preferring the dark shadows.
Those who revel in the battle and actually enjoy it might say that they never saw themselves as peacemakers but as fighters from the start. Perhaps there is such a person as a born battler. Perhaps born battlers are peacemakers who have lost their way and some of their humanity along with it. The continuing distance from God reinforces the hardening of heart which in turn pushes God further away and so it goes on. It remains for the peacemakers to choose their own path in the face of a fight with these battlers.
To fight or not to fight is a difficult choice for many. To go for the jugular and rip out another's warm beating heart for a cold blooded victory, or to chose not to do so. It's not something to enter into lightly. One can never be the same again having fought such a battle, unless one has no conscience to begin with.
The peacemakers wrestle with wanting to stay true to themselves, with choosing the higher path, and with the reality that they will suffer for what they believe is right despite perceived injustice and unfairness to themselves. Their consciences prick them continually, urging them to do what is right, what their soul knows is good, and what their heart hears God saying to them.
They will never get their day in court to tell their side of the story, to rebut the things said about them, to set the record straight and to repair the hurt to their ego and pride. There may be many questions left unanswered, insufficient disclosure of the truth and no real closure of any kind. Instead, peacemakers choose the relationship over ego and pride, and suffer whatever wrong has been done to them and refuse to enter the arena, or having entered, they leave early. The continual bludgeoning onslaught of others that is required of them in order to win simply does not reflect who they are. When they choose to walk away from a battle, it is not a sign of weakness but of incredible strength and integrity.
The peacemakers know that to lose their name, reputation, honour, integrity, health, peace of mind, soul, and wealth in a battle between themselves and those with whom they are relationally bound forever is pure folly. The desperate need to win at all costs corrupts the soul. The pursuit of peace, however, is wisdom in action.
No one wins in battles. And when it is known that everyone loses, it is the peace maker, who in his wisdom chooses to walk away from battle. He is the real winner. He may not be viewed as such in the courts of this world but certainly when he stands before God, the great Judge of all hearts, he will receive his just reward. His will be the call to enter into his rest for a job well done and a life righteously lived.
Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the sons of God. If only both sides in any battle saw themselves as such, not only the sons of man but the sons of God Himself. The battle rages on in each of our hearts every day to see ourselves as children of God and to choose our path in keeping with the dignity and integrity of that honour. May God grant us wisdom to choose wisely.
Thanks for reading,
Pav
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