Humanely Healing One's Soul

On days when I am in pain, or feeling down, whatever the reason, I try to tell myself that life is still pretty good and really, that I can't complain. And so I don't, or at least I try not to, but I think that I am doing myself a disservice of sorts. I should allow myself to feel my pain, to acknowledge that I am sad, or depressed or hurting, no matter what my seemingly happier circumstances may be.

While I remain grateful that I have a lovely home for now, have food if I can eat it, have beautiful children who love me, have a wonderful helper, have two crazy dogs, clothes  etc and all my basic necessities met and then some... I think it's important to be able to feel those so called "negative" emotions even if I have all those things.

Every so often I am told to count my blessings, and I do find that extremely useful. Gratitude helps and I remind myself of that. What troubles me is the lack of validation for my feelings, by me and by others. Surely my feelings are just as valid as anyone else's or should they be dismissed out of hand because I am blessed with so much?

Sometimes feelings of sorrow or grief cannot, and should not, be suppressed by forcing one's self to be grateful. They fester, like a bad wound that never heals. Sometimes these feelings need a good airing without being restrained by having to count one's blessings all the time.

Sometimes misery is simply miserable. But not forever. It does look towards blessings and begin counting them, but only if it has worked its way through the soul. I don't think misery can do that if gratitude suffocates it in the first instance. So yeah. Some days when I feel saddest I don't plan on counting my every blessing too quickly. I don't mean to wallow in misery either.

I just want to acknowledge the validity of my feelings no matter how wonderful my life is supposed to be. I think that will make me more human. It's certainly the more humane way of dealing with my own soul. Being kind to myself includes patiently listening to and sitting with the pain and hurt, sorrow and grief that I face. To suppress or ignore them is to oppress my own soul.

Plenty of time to count my many blessings that are so obviously present in my life once I have looked my pain in the eyes, and wept beside it, and embraced it, and let it go. Then I can look at the blessings, and healing, already begun like a bud in spring, will bloom in my soul. And always, the knowledge that this process will repeat itself, over and over again, and perhaps the pain will dim in time, and perhaps it won't. But that's perfectly fine. That's life.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Musings on my Counselling Internship

One of the frustrating things I have struggled with on my MA in Counselling internship is the fact that very few clients actually want to find solutions to their problems. They mostly want to vent. There I am, listening closely and picking up on issues to follow through on in our therapeutic conversation, all the while trying to stay mentally present rather than planning interventions to address problems on the spot. Listen, listen, listen. 

And there they are, going round in circles talking endlessly about their problems, and just letting it all out with no sense of ownership of issues or any idea of the need to break out of the negative cycles they are trapped in and resolve their problems. Talk, talk, talk.

Perhaps this, too, is counselling?

Maybe for the first few sessions people really do want to let it all out and vent away, largely because they have not had a chance to talk to anybody about their pain and problems yet. Maybe all they need is the sense of relief and release that comes when one human being unburdens to another. Maybe that catharsis begins the healing process, and then one can talk about interventions and plans to deal with problems later on.

Empathic listening is the primary skill needed by the counsellor, in the first instance. And bucket loads of patience. Oh, and the ability to set aside one's own pain while addressing another's. We are, each of us, wounded healers bringing our pain with us to every encounter with other wounded healers. That's why counsellors need counselling too. 

Knowing the theory and practicing it are separate things too. Acknowledging one's own need for help keeps things authentic and real. Experiencing the relief of unburdening to another enhances one's ability to identify with others in need. I know counselling, whether  venting or problem solving, works because I have benefitted from it too.

Counsellors should never stop receiving counselling themselves, whether it's the venting or the problem solving kind or both... keep it real by being real. Think I may be due for a few sessions myself. "Counsellor, counsel thyself" doesn't work. I tried. I vented away but was a rather poor listener. :) I am glad it doesn't work because it reinforces the notion that the human element is important.

The other person in the therapeutic relationship is essential. The other wounded healer, knowing that their wounds allow them to be sensitive to yours but not overwhelmed by either party's wounds. It's a dance of sorts. Time for more lessons, more practice, new shoes, fresh music, a sparkling repertoire of new steps and always the flexibility to adapt to just about anything. Bring it on!

Thanks for reading,

Pav

I Can Change

A beautiful morning walk at 615am today. As I trudged along enjoying the various hues of blue in the sky as the day broke, I reminded myself that while night gives way to light and this daily change is constant, in life there are many instances where darkness never brightens and the only constant is the inability to change. No point asking others why they cannot change. They like to hide in the dark. No point asking others why they remain shallow and superficial. They just are that way. No point feeling frustrated and upset by their inability to be authentic. They just don't know how to be real. The only thing to do is to keep changing and evolving myself. Live in the light of God's love, accept people for what they are, and keep seeking depth, connection and authenticity in others. The right people will come into my life. Keeping the doors closed on those who do not belong in my life is always a challenge because clean cuts are not always possible. Accepting these people as being quite the opposite of everything I stand for and yet being gracious and kind to them is neccessary. That's a tricky balance. Today I am struggling with it but I choose to see it as part of my evolving and transforming into something better. Because I can change. Looking for ways to be a better version of myself. Always.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Choose the Higher Road of Grace and Mercy

On some days when my morning walk doesn't happen, I find myself in bed, staring at the ceiling and ruminating. Often, some sort of epiphany occurs, convincing me, yet again, that exercise is somewhat superfluous.

Today, as I lay in bed, I wondered why people can hurt us so deeply and think that what they are doing is perfectly acceptable. They betray you, deceive you, crush you and yet each time they see you they act like nothing has happened. In fact, they expect to be shown grace without even the slightest acknowledgement of wrong doing on their part. All that matters is that they are supposedly happy in their own lives, even at the expense of the happiness of others.

And then it came to me. They act that way not because they are sociopaths or psychopaths with Machiavellian tendencies. They act that way because they know you have already forgiven them for all the past hurt, the present pain and the future grief. They behave the way they do because they glimpse the grace and mercy of God Himself in you, and while they can never acknowledge it for fear of incriminating themselves, they need it to keep going.

It's the very air they breathe but they don't see it, or perhaps they do and they can never say that they do. That would require an authenticity and honesty that they do not have in them. They cannot fully face their inner demons and so their lives are a continual facade of fakery. You see it and you wonder how they live that way, in the shallows, while you dive deep. But that is them.

What of us? How do we continue to relate to them in these circumstances? We must resist the urge to trample the other to the ground because they have trampled us beneath their feet. Instead, we continue to show grace, not because it is easy but because it is difficult, and also deeply transformative. We resist the voices that clamour against these acts of showing grace and mercy that claim we are "enabling" others to misbehave, or "cheapening" God's grace. There is no such thing.

We are simply shifting the balance back to the other and his relationship with God and his own personal accountability to His Maker. It is no longer about our pain. If others hurt us, the Beloved of God, they hurt the very heart of God. And always the gentle reminder to one's self... if we hurt others, the Beloved of God, we hurt the heart of God Himself. God's grace is made more precious this way, and his mercy is like a healing balm when we accept that all are the Beloved of God. Resist the foolish wisdom of this world that would deprive you of this beautiful opportunity to be that channel of grace and mercy no matter how others treat you. Embrace it, and be transformed by it.

We rise above the moment and take the higher road, remembering not to place ourselves on a pedestal and hasten our own fall, but to remain humble in the process. The pain is truly humbling, the hurt is our best instructor, and our grief is a reminder that God's grace abounds especially when we are broken, and if we allow His light to shine through.

So let others be whatever version of themselves they choose to be. Choose the higher road in all humility. Prefer to think that those who hurt us can see the grace of God at work in us and need that grace to keep going themselves. Let them go to relate to their God as they wish. Then it will be between you and your God, and in the end you will not be ashamed when you stand before Him.

Thus endeth the lesson for today. Need breakfast. Man shall definitely not live by early morning epiphanies alone. Toast is always welcome. Happy Wednesday, dear friends. Be blessed. Be grace filled, gracious and full of gracias!

Thanks for reading,
Pav

Suffering is Transformative

It's baffling to hear someone say that God gave them peace to crush others to advance their own happiness. I would say "It's amazing what we can get away with when we make God in our own image." Yeah. Some day it all catches up. When you stand before God how will you answer Him?

The pursuit of temporal happiness here on earth involves fashioning God according to our own selfish desires. We can get away with practically anything then. The pursuit of eternal joy, however, involves dying to self so that we may be fashioned into the image of God.

Everyday is a new day to gaze upon God so that we may be renewed and strengthened and reflect His likeness accurately and honestly, living lives of transparency and integrity. May God give us the strength to choose to die to self every moment of every single day.

Gazing upon the Cross helps us die to our selfish nature, being immersed in His Word transforms us by the renewing of our minds, and the understanding of the depth of God's love for us makes it all possible and palatable no matter how painful and how deep is our suffering. Christ Himself died on the Cross. Can we, as His disciples, expect not to suffer?

Suffering brings us closer to God. Lean into our sufferings, do not run from them but embrace them, be transformed by them and as we gaze upon God we shall become like him. Thank you, God, for the pain and hurt, and for being there in the midst of it all. So grateful for Your loving presence. Lean in, dear friends, suffering is transformative.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Anthony Bourdain: Loved Because He Was Broken.

So many beautiful tributes online for Anthony Bourdain. One of the most touching things I read was that he was so loved by many, not "despite" his brokenness and personal pain, but "because" of it. It's an important distinction.

He struggled with addiction and depression and chose to keep going day after day doing what he loved. It required him to show up and be somebody in front of cameras. Yet he was authentically himself, and unapologetically so. He lived as a genuine person, with integrity and honesty. He spoke unabashedly and from the heart. Or maybe the gut. His opinions were always his own, nobody could say he was anybody's man.

And always, beneath his slightly cynical veneer was a glimpse of passing vulnerability laced with a touch of acidity, as if life itself, while delicious, was giving him indigestion. His was a tasty mix of irreverence, cynicism, wit, intelligence, and charm. All wrapped up in a devil may care attitude that said, "Take it or leave it, this is me. It's who I am. I can't be anybody else."

People like him may struggle with feeling out of place all their lives, journeying towards the next adventure, and the next, on and on, in hope of finding that something that heals their pain, and a life truly worth living. It's Everyman's journey, really.  Perhaps people saw something of their own pain in him, and identified with his brokenness. Maybe he grew tired of wrestling with whatever pain he endured. It happens.

You grow weary of carrying on, secretly knowing that only death can end your suffering. It's sad that he saw no other way out. Life is a difficult journey and so many of us die while we are yet alive. I think he felt he was dying on the inside for some time. Depression does that to a person, and death beckons as a welcome relief. Death, while a mystery filled with the unknown, is that one last adventure for us all. I wish he'd been able to resist it's call for now.

Rest in peace, Anthony Bourdain. Yours was a life genuinely lived and you were true to yourself. Not many of us have the courage to live that way. And thank you for taking us along with you on your travels and foodie adventures. The simplest of joys that you savoured around the world resonated with us wherever we were. A plate of food united us all.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Truly Human, And Yet Also Divine

My counseling practical is an amazing learning opportunity. I feel both privileged to have the experience, and also deeply humbled, because I am dealing with real lives and real issues. It's a responsibility that is both inspiring and a little frightening.

I am continuing to have an education as to what really happens beneath the thin, shiny veneer we have in Singapore that covers up so much pain and poverty. Poverty exists here, in many, different forms.

Many of us are so poor that we cannot see the sufferings of others around us. It's like the eyes of our souls have shrivelled up, and our hearts are so tiny that they can barely hold anything for anyone other than ourselves. That sort of blindness of the soul and atrophy of the heart is a severe impoverishment to us and to the world at large.

We were meant to live for others, and to love others, in imitation of Christ. May we recognise this poverty within ourselves, and despise it enough to want to be transformed into the image of God, whose love is unconditional and selfless, giving and generous, even to the point of death.

How far would we go to help those who suffer in this world? Can we say to others, "I am here for you, any time of day", and truly mean that and genuinely feel the human connection between two souls? Are we authentic enough to be able to sustain these connections, realising the demands they will place on us, and how we might fail from time to time and yet keep going because that is just life, one step at a time? Can we launch out in faith, truly trusting that God will see us through, as we profess our dependence on Him for all things, including the strength and joy necessary to help others journey through life? 

May we find ways to expand our personal horizons to include the multitudes who live with so much pain and hurt, and are in desperate need of assistance on so many fronts. May we give from our hearts of ourselves, that which others crave the most. Human connection and with it compassion, empathy and understanding. May we be truly human, and yet also divine, as we allow ourselves to be channels of God's love.

Enlarge our hearts, Lord, that we may see You in those around us, and in so doing truly serve from a servant's heart. Create in me a clean heart, O Lord, and renew a right spirit within me.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Ps. Self care... replenishing one's self so as to better serve others and avoid burn out. I love my morning walkies! Fill my cup, O Lord, till it overflows.

I Deserve Better

It takes a long time, and a lot of hurt and pain, but also a lot of growth as a person, to come to a place where you can say, "I deserve better" in life.

Someday, you actually do break through the darkness, and the struggle, and the heart numbing business of mindlessly plodding along one foot in front of the other, just to keep going. You have to keep going for everybody else. And then one day, you keep going, for yourself.

Somehow, the truth breaks free from within you, that you are a person of great value, that you truly deserve better in life, and then you know that nobody can take that truth away. You earned it, learnt it, died to it, found new life through it, and it is the new you born out of hurt, and pain, and grief, and despair.

Only the faintest glimmer of hope kept you alive as you wrestled with tears and deep sorrow, wanting to be so much more, but not quite there yet. Then one day, almost like an epiphany, your eyes are opened to the truth of who you really are.

You are not a broken heart crushed underfoot or a broken body ravaged by disease. You are not some sad reflection of someone else's inability to love. You are so much more than all that. You are lovable, and you deserve better. Much, much better.

And nobody can ever take that truth away because now your eyes are open, your heart and soul are open, and the truth emerged from within you. "I deserve better" becomes your mantra. In everything in life, you tell yourself this and know it in your heart. You believe it entirely, and never again will anyone convince you otherwise. You won't let them.

In order to have survived all that life has thrown at you and to keep moving forwards, you close the doors on the past and know you deserve better because it's not just a comforting notion, it's the truth. And the truth sets you free.

Once you find that freedom you can never imagine not being free to believe in your own innate goodness and the fact that you deserve better, and you promise yourself that never again will your worth as a person be undermined or undervalued by anyone else.

You make a vow to yourself. To know yourself, to know your self worth, to be better, not bitter, and to live the life you truly deserve. Because you are awesome. It's the truth.

Thanks for reading,
Pav.

Reflections on Easter Weekend

Today I spent a very meaningful 4 hours rehearsing and singing with my choir for Good Friday Mass. Was such a beautiful time. My thoughts kept going to Christ's suffering and death on the Cross, and His humility.

There can be no compassion without suffering, there can be no humility without humiliation, and there can be no resurrection without death. I look back at the past few years and I see suffering and humiliation in my life, and the "death" of much that was good in me.

As Easter approaches, and we are reminded of the resurrection of Christ and the Spirit that brought Him back to life, I can't help but think of all that needs resurrecting in me.

May all that is good that has lain dormant, wilted or withered away, come back to life. May all that is good thrive again in the rich soil of a heart awakened afresh to the grace of God and His loving mercies, which are new every day. May a heart that once lay crushed and broken be healed anew yet again, and find comfort in the loving sacrifice of a Saviour so precious that while everyone abandoned Him, he set His heart and mind and will to the task ahead.

To die a painful death on the Cross for all mankind, including tiny, insignificant me. No greater love can any man have for another than to die for him. Nothing I have endured in my life can possibly compare with His suffering. May such knowledge of the very Son of God's humiliation bring a deep humility to my heart and life, coupled with a fresh compassion for those who suffer.

Christ suffered, died and rose again. Every Easter I remind myself to remind myself that after winter comes spring, and likewise, in the seasons of my life, every phase of suffering, humiliation and "death" leads to resurrection.

Lord, may I know the power of your resurrection, and even if my sufferings were not for you per se, let them yield good fruit in my life, trusting that Your will be done in all things in  my life. Transform me more and more into your likeness, Lord, so that I may reflect your compassion, humility and love. So hard to do but the best things in life are never easy.

May all that is good that has died come alive in you this Easter season too. Blessings to all who read this. You are the Beloved of God.


Thanks for reading,

Pav.

Food At Last and Music too!

Today I ate. Yeah, finally. 4 weeks have passed, with the last week being the hardest. After my morning infusion at the hospital today, I had soupy fish rice porridge with a dear friend in town. Was so awesome to meet her after ages, and to sink my teeth into soft mushy stuff. Nice! :) Gave away all my veggies, and ate a bit before feeling full rather quickly. Think my stomach shrank. No worries. It'll unshrink in due course. Porridge for a few days will do the trick. So grateful to be eating again. Yippee! Thus endeth the "Chronicles of the Grateful Crohnie". Back to regular programming of morning walk reflections and silly posts, laughs and more silliness, with occasional craziness. Life is too serious otherwise! Laughter is the best medicine!

Sang later today, after a very long time, with the St Francis Xavier Choir at the World Day of Consecrated Life celebrated at Novena Church. Loved every minute of it. It's a day for the clergy and religious to consecrate themselves to God afresh, and also for the laity to consecrate themselves. Everybody is called to consecrate themselves to lives of holiness. It coincides with the Presentation of Jesus at the Temple, when Jesus' parents consecrated their first born to God. I thought it would be lovely to end my first day of food with a Mass of consecration. Give my life anew to God, and commit to living in community. So beautiful, and so blessed. God's presence was so real, and I sang my heart out, soaring on the voices of all my choir friends. Such a joy and lightness in my soul. I feel truly alive! Grateful!

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

The Need for Self Care

Living in gratitude on Day 28 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for self care.

We all have so many demands on us, and sometimes we are stretched in various directions. Our capacities for selfless giving differ with each individual, as does our need for self care.

I've discovered that I need down time. Quiet moments when I am reading, praying, meditating, or just resting. This recharges my soul and helps heal my mind and body. I also need times when I am immersed with people, laughing and chatting and generally being the sociable soul that I am, in small doses.

Additionally, I need to make time to do little things that help me feel special. Today my self care was to get my hair coloured, and my nails done while I drifted off in a sleepy daze. It was a restful 2 hours trapped at the salon before I hit the supermarket, pharmacy, clothes store and bank. Shopping for the kids and running errands while feeling lightheaded from a lack of sleep is a challenge but I coasted along.

I'm struggling to sleep at night and consequently barely awake in the day. It's all topsy-turvy and a little upsetting. My heart is pounding and skipping beats all day and I wake up in tears in the morning feeling unrested.

Still, I find ways to care for myself. I seek to understand how I feel and am gentle and kind to myself. It hasn't been easy for me to do this but I have learnt how to now, and to appreciate that others need to do the same too. Self care can take many forms. A morning walk, a pampering for the body, a quietening for the spirit, a soul enlivening social activity that breathes new life, a hobby or a sport that helps us grow as individuals. All of these are so important, and when we do these things we are not being selfish but helping ourselves recharge so we can continue giving.

Tomorrow I eat porridge in town with a dear friend, and in the evening I'll be singing at a special Mass for the World Day of Consecrated Life at Novena Church. It's going to be lovely singing again on my first day back to food. Such a privilege and a joy. It's an act of self care too. Feeding my spirit and being with friends, indulging  in one of my favourite activities, and worshipping God all at the same time. Awesomeness. I am excited!

No matter how tired my body might be I'm going to be there. Self care extends to "me" in totality, body, mind, heart, soul and spirit. I am grateful for the ability to know how important self care is and to be able to do those things that bring me joy. So blessed.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

I Gained A Day. Kinda :)

Living in gratitude on the 27th day of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I realised that techinically I will be eating again on Day 29 instead of 30, and I am grateful for the saving of one whole day. Yippee!

The doctors calculated 4 weeks from hospital admission which brought me to Friday, 2nd Feb, as the day I get an infusion of meds and begin eating again. Roughly 30 days, but in reality... 29 days including the first day of admission when I began the liquid diet. I can live with that!

This past week has been very hard in terms of levels of exhaustion and hunger. I am finding it hard watching my kids eat the meals I plan for them. Meat, veggies, rice, soup, pasta, fruits. I've enjoyed cooking some of these, and loved watching them eat. But man, the smells that assail my nostrils, and get my tummy going, those aromas are a killer.

I think my sense of smell has heightened and I am smelling everything in a 2 km radius. Maybe less lah :) But seriously, I think that's a good sign of a lack of inflammation in the body. It also means my senses are sharpening in deprivation, as they tend to do, just as they get satiated and saturated in times of abundance. Perhaps a fast once in awhile is useful in more ways than one. Apparently you live longer if you fast often. Not too sure how long I'd like to live on enforced fasts and the ever present possibility of surgery. Sounds exhausting :)

I am reminded, again, of how easily, albeit unsatisfactorily, my hunger can be assuaged by drinks. Imagine those who have no means of alleviating their hunger. Terrible desperation for food exists in many parts of the starving world. I remain grateful that I have those drinks, even if they are nutritionally sub-optimal. They're better than nothing.

The notion of a whole extra day saved makes me so happy, even if it's an illusion of savings. I'm grateful. Now I just need to get through Thursday. Lovely. Be still my growling tummy, the first spoons of porridge will taste so heavenly. And then slowly on to simple meals and living a normal life. One step at a time, one saved day included. Grateful.

Thanka for reading,

Pav

Resting Required

Living in gratitude on Day 26 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for rest.

I dropped my steroid dose from 15mgs to 10mgs today and felt exhausted by noon. It's just the way they affect the body when dosages change. For a couple of days I'll be very tired till I adjust to the new dose.

I decided that apart from a trip to the supermarket, and planning a meaty dinner for the kids, I wasn't going to do much. I wanted a day of rest.

I discovered AD Kingdom and Empire on Netflix and watched several episodes. Great stuff about the Apostles and their Christian witness after the crucifixion of Jesus. I especially enjoyed the transformation of Peter, from guilt ridden denial to the rock upon which Christ built His church. Watching them being persecuted for their faith gave me a new found respect for the early church pioneers and martyrs. Their faith was truly costly, and their lives constantly fraught with danger and yet their love for God never flagged.

If only I could have that sort of energy and zeal in life! It's just so very incredibly hard with chronic illness. Some days I pack in too much and other days I fear I do too little. Nowadays I don't want to care too much about what folks think. If I need to lie down on the sofa, well then I jolly well will do so because I know I need to rest. It's my body, so I'm the expert, really. Nobody else can walk in my shoes so they'll never know how hard it can get.

Today's restfulness was lovely. My body begged for rest and I listened and was kind to myself. I am grateful that I can rest without guilt and there is no expectation of having to be someone I am not. I am not Superwoman, just simply imperfectly perfect me. And that is restful enough. So very grateful for this day.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

The Beauty of Flowers

Living a life of gratitude on Day 25 of a 30 Day Liquid Diet. Today I am grateful for the beauty of flowers.

I spent several hours today visiting people who are old or ill. One was a visit to the doctor with the old folks, and another was a visit to the hospital to see how a friend was doing. Visiting a friend in hospital became a reunion of sorts as a mutual friend turned up there. Hey, party time! :)

My friend insisted on sending me home, and on the way she asked if I'd like to buy flowers because she was planning to do so. I nearly fell off my seat! Buy flowers? Of course! I love buying flowers! I just haven't been buying them for myself for a while now.

And so after a very long time, I got myself some unsual orchids and my fav orange Indian roses. So very beautiful. I arranged them, and touched them and felt the silky velvet of their petals and rejoiced to have such beauty within my grasp.

Flowers are very special to me. They are fragile yet hardy, with soft petals on hard stems, have a myriad of colours and shades, and whether fragrant or not, they are so beautiful. Even though they wilt and die like any other living thing, and their life seems so short, they bring so much joy to those who truly appreciate them.

I'm enjoying my flowers and relishing the thought of spoiling myself more often with flowery treats. I simply love them. So grateful for flowers, and their beauty today. The mind and heart rejoices to look upon such things of beauty. We innately recognise true beauty when we see it, especially in nature. Nothing speaks so eloquently of beauty to me. Blessed!

Thanks for reading,

Pav

A Lovely, Lively Day

Living with gratitude on Day 24 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for all the lively people in my life.

I had a poor night's sleep yesterday and woke up thinking of the 3 things I wanted to do today. Make it to church, visit my kids' Grandparents, and take my kids out to dinner. Would I be able to manage it all while feeling quite like a squashed cabbage?

My son had ordered Macs at 130am, and despite telling the delivery guy not to ring the doorbell but to call him instead.... the doorbell got rung. And I was woken up and I didn't get back to sleep till 430am. Up with the larks, as usual, at 630am, I made it to church for the 815am Mass. Popped by to visit Grandparents and stayed for 5 hours, and rounded up the kids later for dinner over a couple of hours.

Flying on steroid fumes and IsoCal/Resource alone, I have no idea how I managed all that with poor sleep. I realised that part of me was craving a quiet curl up away from the noisy world but that if I wanted to do all that I had planned, I would have to face the world, and all the lively people in it. And so I determined to get through it, one step at a time.

At Mass, I was surrounded by very lively types. A pair of ladies chatted beside me throughout Mass. A mother and her son chatted a fair bit right behind me, with Mum singing quite off key and son snorting through his morning rhinitis as if his nose was a blocked elephant trunk. In front of me, a family struggled with a disobedient youngest son who enjoyed taunting Mum and disrespecting Dad and smacking his siblings. Aiyoh. I could barely focus. Such a lively Mass, but this squashed cabbage decided to just accept it all in good stride and get to the next event of the day. Don't sweat the small stuff, especially if it isn't yours!

Visiting the kids' grandparents is always lovely. They are so old, and enjoy a good visit and company. Grandma can talk to me for 5 hours nonstop and so we almost did just that, except for 30 mins when she noticed my eyes glaze over and I attempted to snooze.

Enter the boy next door who decided right then to try and be a drummer. Lovely. Sigh. No rest for me, and so Grandma and I continued chatting. Truly lovely to connect and be available for someone in need. So much of my day passed surrounded by voices vying for my attention and I was glad to have these lively people in my life. Somehow this squashed cabbage was lifted from one moment to the next.

The last event was dinner with my kids. Such a beautiful outing to try Taiwanese porridge at Goodwood Park Hotel. Reasonably priced "eat a bucket load of food" buffet. A friend of mine wants to take me there some time so I decided to check it out with my kids. The kids stuffed themselves while I fantasized about coming back when I can eat.

We chatted, laughed and were silly. They were so lively, and I found myself caught up in it all too. My kids are my most favourite people in the world. I am biased, I know. I hung on to every word they said, imagining what it will be like once they are gone from my life and silence reigns. There'll be time enough for curling up in quiet then. I want to remember every precious moment that happens now.

And so I managed to get through a grace filled day surrounded by noise and animated conversations, was blessed and hopefully a blessing too, and tonight I shall enter into a blissful and well deserved sleep. Perhaps I shall dream of my porridge lunch in town with a friend this Friday afternoon, the actual end of my fast from food. I look forward to it. It's getting harder each day and I am so hungry. I'm almost there. I am grateful for the lively people upon whose voices I have wafted along today, and that the very presence and love of family has been reason enough to keep going. So blessed to have a lovely, lively day!

Thanks for reading,

Pav

In the Absence of Miraculous Healing

Living in gratitude on Day 23 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for suffering. Yes, even for suffering.

I was asked a question today, in response to my reluctance to go to a particular church meeting for a healing miracle. "Don't you want to get healed?!"

Excuse me? Er... of course, I do! I'd love to be healed! That would be so wonderful. Who wouldn't want to be healed from over two decades of chronic illness and to be able to eat freely again? I just don't believe that I need to run from one healing meeting to another or "pursue healing" to get it. I believe that God need only say the word, and I'd be healed right here, right now.

The fact that it hasn't happened that way simply means, to me, that God has other plans for me. To me, walking and growing in the Christian faith must involve suffering to some extent, largely because we live in an imperfect world fraught with pain and sin, and also because as disciples of Christ, we are no less than Him. He suffered. His mission was one of suffering, culminating with His death on the cross.

We are all called to bear our crosses and follow Him. We can't bear a cross with grace and dignity if we are continuously seeking to offload it at the same time. I believe the offloading of our crosses is up to God's timing and will for our lives. The bearing of the cross is our job in life.

The crosses we bear help shape us. They are meant to draw us closer to God, and deepen our relationship with Him and transform us into His likeness, if we allow them to do so. If we constantly seek to get rid of our crosses how can we learn the lessons they are meant to teach us?

I fear the notion that we are all meant to be blessed and prosperous and happy all the time has robbed many of the opportunity to truly grow their faith through an acceptance of suffering. Suffering grows the soul, teaches it to wait on God, helps the soul focus on the eternal, and can enlarge the heart despite deep pain and hurt.

Do I want to be healed? Of course, I do. Do I enjoy suffering? Of course, I do not. And yet I find I am experiencing suffering in some measure. I have to find a way to make meaning of it all. The best way forward, I feel, is to accept it, embrace it, to make meaning of it, and to surrender it back to God.

It's almost blaming a patient for not being well when you ask them, "Don't you want to get healed?" through your preferred sources of miraculous healing. I've been to these meetings before, and I'm still living with chronic illness. I've known of faith filled people dying of cancer too. Where was their faith, and didn't they want to be healed too? Of course, they did. But God is sovereign and His plans and thoughts and ways are higher than ours. Illness exists, it even persists, and often it kills us. It's a reality we cannot escape in this world.

I find it best to say as Christ did in the Garden of Gethesemane, "Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass me by. Nevertheless, let it be as you, not I, would have it." In other words, "Let your will be done".

To get to this place of even remotely desiring suffering as God's will, and accepting it, is the actual work of faith in our lives, and is echoed by the saints themselves who count their trials and persecutions as blessings. The constant desperate desire to escape pain and suffering, which is loosely viewed as some faith filled fantasy, bypasses the deep and lasting work of God that builds character. So many are weak and their faith is shallow because they would not embrace suffering as God's will for their lives. They turn against suffering, and see it as a sign of a lack of faith. It's all topsy turvy, to me.

Do I want to be healed? Yes, please God, feel free to heal me right now. But I just want to say that even if you don't I'll love you no less. I'm working out my faith in the absence of big miracles, but grateful for all the little ones along the way. I'm counting all my blessings, and learning to view the bad stuff as part of your plan for my life. It's ultimately all good.

I am grateful that even suffering has a place in my life. A thorn in my flesh that may never leave, but that has its purpose. Help me bear my crosses with grace and dignity, Lord, until you lift them from me.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Kindness from the Wounded Healer

Living in gratitude on Day 22 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for the gift of kindness.

Nothing melts my heart as much as kindness. Kindness is essentially a gift. We don't have to be kind, it's a conscious choice we make that blesses those who give and receive kindness.

Each of us faces our own struggles and hardships in life. Imagine a world where our pains were ameliorated by many, many acts of kindness, random or otherwise. We bless others, especially those who are undeserving, and in so doing, we send out ripples of joy, healing, grace, and mercy. We have the power within us to create so much good for others and for ourselves, and to ease pain, both our own, and that of others.

I believe that in reaching out to others who are wounded we help heal ourselves. It's the only way to heal, really. We are all wounded healers, bearing within us our wounds that may never truly heal though they begin to dim with time, if we allow them. Reaching out with our open wounds enables us to stitch ourselves back together. Accepting kindness from others allows us to help repair those wounds in them, and even the wounds in ourselves. It is truly God's grace and mercy at work restoring life to the damaged soul that yearns for a touch from God and a sign that He is close and cares. God uses the listening heart that says, "Here I am, Lord, use me, wounds and all".

As wounded healers we help heal the world by giving of ourselves, and kindness is the best place to begin because often wounds have their origins in deep and unkind hurt. Imagine the reversal of the pain and hurt when the balm of kindness is applied to these wounds. How beautiful to bring that healing, how marvelous to receive it too.

Today I was blessed by a dear friend of mine whose generosity touched my heart and spoke to my soul. I found myself weeping, and sobbing, and stunned. My heart needed a touch of kindness, and in receiving this particular one, it felt the very caress of God upon it. Healing, from one wounded healer to another, and the reminder that showing and receving kindness is God's love shed abroad in our hearts. I am so grateful for this beautiful kindness, and for my dear friend. I am inspired to acts of generosity and kindness myself, and that's the beauty of living through the healing touch of kindness. You simply want to pass it on.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

An End to a Cycle Of Transformation

Living in gratitude on Day 21 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful that every cycle of transformation has its end.

Two nights ago a beautiful male Common Mormon came into my bedroom and landed on my lampshade, drawn, no doubt, to the light. I was thrilled to see it but also wanted it to spend the night outside rather than flapping about my head in the dark. After a few attempts I managed to release it. I've never encountered such a reluctant release... he didn't want to leave and kept flying back in.

The thought briefly crossed my mind that perhaps he was dying, but I thought it best that he died outside, feeling just a little squirmish at the thought of a dead butterfly in my bed. Imagine my sadness to discover that somehow, he had returned later to the safety of my room, and died there in a corner near my door. His lifeless body was found there by my helper who placed him on a table, uncertain what to do with him.

When I saw him I thought he had landed on the table, only to discover that he was dead. What a sad thing it is to see a beautiful creature like a butterfly lie dead. I have always loved butterflies since I was a child and I felt deeply saddened that I had not recognised that it was dying when it first visited me. I wish I had known and had treated it more kindly.

Butterflies speak to me of metamorphosis or transformation. They are the ultimate in undergoing near catastrophic change that results in complete metamorphosis into a new form, shape, colour; in fact, a whole new life. There's a time span in which this happens, then the butterfly lives briefly and dies. Its transformation from caterpillar to butterfly is marked by a beginning and an ending.

I look at my own life and see near catastrophic events that I have had to embrace as inevitable change, and reluctant opportunities for transformation. I had long felt like the caterpillar blissfully going along nibbling leaves in my own little world. I have suddenly found myself struggling the most in the chrysalis stage, totally crushed and unrecognisable even to myself. I have waited, prayed, cried and grieved through all the change in my life until I came to realise that my chrysalis was not meant to trap me forever.

I feel like this particular phase of metamorphosis in my life is over, and I am emerging from my chrysalis. It's time to spread my wings and fly. To be beautiful and to believe it, because I am. To bring joy to the lives of others simply by being me, because there is so much goodness and lightness in my soul. I want to be unabashed and totally accepting of the fact that I am beautiful in every possible way. It's a truth that nobody can take away from me. I've transformed into a totally new me. It's time to push through the cracked chrysalis and emerge, knowing that a new life has begun. And it's a better brand new version of me. The old me died, and made way for the new me. It's exciting!

I am grateful that I can feel this in my soul finally. It's like a resurrection of sorts when one has felt dead for a very long time. I look forward to feeling alive and vibrant, to being a blessing to others and to finding meaning and fulfilment in life. It's all there, within my reach, and the pieces of my life's puzzle are slowly falling into place. I am so grateful that this cycle of transformation has its end. It's time!

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Savouring Time Together

Living in gratitude on Day 20 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for the time I have left with second son, Sach, who hopes to leave for uni in August. The months are flying past. Before I know it, he will be gone. And I'll be messaging and waiting for holidays and wondering how he is doing. Practising now with number one son who has left. :)

Today I took Sach and my 4th son, Cesar, for Japanese lunch, and to watch "The Post". Highly recommend the movie. Great stuff about the Vietnam War, Pentagon Papers, Official Secrets, Freedom of the Press, and the true story of Katherine Graham, Publisher of The Washington Post. Featuring Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep and an excellent ensemble cast. Streep got her 21st Oscar nomination for this role. Watch it!

Watching the boys eat was such a treat. Sach loves Japanese food. Sushi, sashimi and exquisite bites to tickle the palate. The dishes were so colourful, and tastefully done and we talked about textures and flavours and how it's an art, really. I sipped my Resource on the sly, hoping I wouldn't get thrown out for BYO to a fancy Japanese restaurant. Ooops :)Turns out we had stuff to celebrate... Cesar got above 90% for all his Engineering course exams recently. That boy works so hard to keep his scholarship. He's an inspiration! Meanwhile, overnight, he built the Lego Millenium Falcon that has been languishing in the house for 2 Christmases waiting for somebody to put the pieces together. He did it! Wonderful!

Some shopping for sneakers, snacks and drinks and we came home and later the boys ate the goulash I made yesterday. It kinda soaked up the gravy overnight and flavours got a bit too intense but it was a success. Another day of feeding kids, and getting feedback on how to feed them better. Sweet. :) Some day it'll just be me. And I'm the easiest to feed, really! I hardly eat these days! ;)

Every day is so special. Hidden away in the noisy madness or eerie silence, or absence even, is a jewel of a moment that reveals itself if we are looking for it. The moment that says whatever else we have endured, whatever the highs and lows have been, whatever has been said and done, there will always be unconditional love here for you. Open hearts that communicate that love both ways. So beautiful. So many shared moments of knowing that our bond is deep.

I know I am going to miss Sach, but I rejoice that he will soon be finding his way in the world, and that I am blessed to have another two kids waiting in the wings to launch out on their journeys in due course. Preparing now to let go. It is as it should be. So grateful for every moment I have left now with Sach. Thank you, Sach, for being you!

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Laughter, my Favourite Medicine

Living with gratitude on Day 19 of a 30 day liquid diet. So very grateful today for laughter with friends!

Thanks dear Sheetal Vohra Gulati and Nandini Sukhtankar for dropping by and bringing your brand of laughter. It was so much fun. It's been ages since we last met, and yet we carried on as if no time had passed between us. A sign of true friendship where souls can be open hearted and comfortable with each other. Such a gift to have friends like these two gorgeous, laughing, charming ladies.

Laughter is the best medicine, and I think that's very true. You can feel the transformative power of a full bellied laugh, and even the action of smiling sends signals back to the brain that affect our general well being. Being happy is a choice we make every single day. It's a deliberate and conscious choice we make no matter what the circumstances.

I've learnt to honour and respect myself in the midst of unhappy thoughts or moments but not to stay there with them for long. I recognise them, I am kind to myself and experience them and then I let them go. I have to before they infect me with their melancholy and drag me down to sorrow and grief. One cannot live there for long and hope to be healthy and at peace. Grief and sorrow have their place, but in letting them go we allow better things to come in.

The better things nourish the soul and feed us, not just to keep us alive or sustain us but to help us thrive. I've discovered laughter is one of these better things. It's essential, like a vitamin or minerals that our bodies need. Without it, we shrivel up and lose ourselves.

Two lovely ladies I met on my course in 2016 took the time to bring cheer and laughter and blessed me with their thoughtful gifts and sweet souls. My own soul felt like it expanded as we talked and laughed and shared our experiences. What a precious blessing of love and joy today. I am so grateful.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Steroid Reduction!

Living in gratitude on Day 18 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for being able to scale back on my steroids, and for understanding my own journey.

When I was in hospital they pumped me with 100mgs of steroids 3 times a day,  reduced doses and then sent me home with 20 mgs of prednisone every morning. I hate steroids and their side effects. Nasty stuff. But I have no choice if I want to get into remission quickly.

The last time I was on steroids was in 2013 and I had to stop abruptly when I broke my ankle. The steroids had weakened my bones over the years I'd been on and off them. Additionally, I struggled to sleep, had headaches, bone pain and got bloated up. I got emotional and found myself tearful and moody. My eyesight was affected too with occasional blurry vision.  When I went off steroids altogether in 2013 I lost 20kgs. That's a lot of weight gain from meds. The worst thing about them is they leach the calcium from your bones over time. I can actually feel bone pain as that happens.

Today I have dropped from 20mgs of pred to 15mgs for a week. Next Monday I will drop to 10mgs, the week after to 5mgs and then eventually zero. By then I should be eating. And I hope to be free of side effects too.

I've been ravenous because of the steroids and not able to eat so I've been drinking my liquids a lot. Think I've put on a kilo now that I am starting to bloat. And I am tearful. I burst into tears several times a day, usually because of a passing thought. It's like I'm outside of myself, looking in on my life and feeling a little lost. I feel rather disoriented today. Exhausted and lightheaded. I understand why and so I am being kind to myself.

I had a good first day on reduced meds, enjoyed my morning walk, shared some laughs with old friends, enjoyed my kids, planned a new goulash recipe for youngest son who loves his beef, planned a trip with my daughter, and watched my fav tv shows. A restful day allowing my body to adjust and being kind to myself at every turn.

If we aren't kind to ourselves we'll be in deep trouble, because nobody else can really understand what we each endure in our own bodies. Grateful today for my own gift of understanding and kindness to myself as I reduce and adjust meds slowly down. It's all okay, one day at a time. Slowly but surely I will get there.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

I Made It!

Living with gratitude on Day 17 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am so grateful that I made it through my Cognitive Behaviour Therapy unit for my MA in Counseling.

I sat through 20 hours of lectures, contributed to discussions with my group, wrote scripts, edited material, presented our group powerpoint slides and was a counselor in our role plays. All on a liquid diet with steroid induced heart palpitations and slightly trembling hands. I made it!

The lecturer was pleased, we were relieved, and now we have got one 4000 word assignment to finish for this unit. Then I begin my placement and actual counseling under supervision and have 2 more coursework units to complete. I'm excited!

So very grateful for the grace of God that saw me through these past 4 days, especially today's marathon full day, for the joy of the Lord that is my strength, and for the gift of the right people in my group. It all came together beautifully. Partly because I was ready for it, and partly because it was meant to be this way. Wonderful. I just love it when things conspire to work together well. Lovely!

Now to think about my written assignment! Well, maybe tomorrow lah.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

The Understanding Doctor

Living with gratitude on Day 16 of my 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for my gastro doctor.

I saw him yesterday, and fell apart in his clinic. I told him I was starving, was hungry all the time, had lost 3 kgs and felt very upset with it all. I told him how it all seemed so unfair and senseless and how ridiculous it was that I couldn't eat after everything I'd been through. Another 2 weeks and I'd be a bag of bones, I insisted, and that's hardly optimal! He listened to my mini rant patiently, patted my hand and told me that he understood how I felt.

It might sound trite, but coming from my doctor, it doesn't at all. He's known me for 15 years and knows what works and doesn't work for me. He knows how I feel about many things and he truly knows my heart, and he does understand how I feel. And he has the loveliest bedside manners. He's always patting my hand and comforting me and knows just what to say and when to be funny, and he takes a bit of nonsense from me too. We give and take.

We decided to stick to the liquid diet for another 2 weeks and to take some other meds where necessary to counter problems caused by the liquids I was taking. We discussed adjustment to meds dosing to fine tune things and manage any lingering discomfort. I got a B12 jab to see me through a busy weekend and give me an energy boost.

We looked through my blood work, noticed a recalcitrantly low potassium level and decided that I had to get back on supplements. We collaboratively worked through a treatment plan. That's one thing I really like, his ability to work together with me rather than using a top down approach. I feel empowered when my voice and views are heard and considered, and I am able to comfortably veto something or suggest alternatives. This gives me a semblance of control over the illness, which has implications for individual autonomy and a sense of self worth.

He helps me feel like a human being, at moments when my humanity is under threat because this vessel that houses the essential me, my body, is falling apart. When I cried he was alright with my tears, knowing that I have been so strong for so long and that I do break down from time to time. He told me he had recently re-read my entire medical history with him over the past 15 years and that in his view, I deserved a medal. That made me laugh slightly because I've always wanted one from LKY for 3 sons through NS eventually, but that never happened. :)

I apologised to my doctor for breaking down and having a little rant and he said that that was why he was there. To help relieve me of some stress, and to get me back to living a fully functional life again. I felt so grateful, and remembered that he too, was another fellow human being. 

I noticed that he had a bit of a cough, so we chatted about his health a bit, and I patted his hand and hoped he'd get better soon. We joked and parted company on a conspiratorial note... I told him that I would definitely  make it all the way through the 30 days on liquids and he said, "Malaysians always can!" I jauntily said, "Malaysia Boleh!" My dear Malaysian doctor may have forgotten that I am a Singaporean now, though I think it makes no difference to him. He recognises another Malaysian born and made heart and spirit. I am so grateful for my doctor!

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Back at School

Living in gratitude on day 15 of a 30 day liquid diet. I am grateful that despite my health I am getting my studies back on track.

In late 2016 I signed up for an MA in Counseling from Monash Uni, taught off campus here at Kaplan in Singapore. I've always felt drawn to helping people, and I am a perpetual student who loves learning, so I figured it would be a good fit.

I managed a distinction in my first "Ethics in Counseling" unit and looked forward to the second unit, "Cognitive Behaviour Therapy". Unfortunately, while I made it to all my lectures, I fell ill with a Crohn's flare and ended up in hospital in March 2017. I had to take time out of my course. Monash uni kindly considered my multi faceted personal issues and gave me a year off to recover.

As time came to re-register, I wondered if I wanted to return to this course or do something else. I considered Art History, Creative Writing and even Social Work courses. I fantasized about Archaeology, Marine Biology and Museum Management. My interests are so varied that it's hard to box me in! I also had to struggle with how I felt about helping people when I myself felt so at sea in my life, tossed about by many events beyond my control.

It's okay to acknowledge that we are imperfect and have problems of our own and to recognise that despite all that goes on in our own lives we can still help others. Counselors need counseling too. I didn't have to wait for my life to be problem free before I could help others. I could be the "wounded healer" right where I was, and as someone with many wounds I was actually in a good place to empathise with others and journey alongside them.

So I decided that since I had been working through my own issues for many months, and because I truly value the incredible worth of being able to provide a safe space for another to unburden themselves, that I would continue with the MA in Counseling.

Shortly after re-registering in December 2017 I began to fall ill, resulting in my recent hospitalisation and 30 day liquid diet on steroids. I told myself that liquid diet or not I was going to my classes, and aceing my first in class, graded role play assignment. Last night was the first block of 4 days of intensive classes which will end with the assignment on Sunday. I survived with my Resource and IsoCal packets at hand.

Better still, this time around, at my second go at "Cognitive Behaviour Therapy", I ended up in a group with people who were easy to work with, and I fit right in. Last year I made the mistake of choosing to do my own 4000 word written essay rather than the group assignment  because the group dynamics was off and I didn't have the patience to work that through. I regretted that later when I was unwell and had a full workload of 2 essays that I could not manage.

This time, I told myself that no matter what the circumstances were, I was going to get half my work load done through the group assignment because it would be over by Sunday. Work smart but don't be a smarty pants, Pav!

I am so grateful that by 1030pm last night when we left class, we had the bare bones of our role play sketched out, had worked beyond our scope for the evening, had no personality clashes, had subdivided everything, and everyone was totally committed to getting the best grade possible for the group.

The vibes were positive, the mood was buoyant, we were smiling and happy, and hope abounded. So awesome! I walked in on an existing class that had bonded for a year, and I didn't know anybody, and I left feeling quite comfortable with 3 new acquaintances with whom I plan to ace CBT. Eyes on the goal, Pav.... Sunday!

I think I've changed in a year, and am far more accepting of all sorts of things and more flexible, and I think God has shown me His grace and mercy through everything. This year things are getting better, even as I am. I am so grateful that my studies are back on track and I look forward to finishing this and truly being open and available to helping others. It's exciting!

Thanks for reading,

Pav

The Certainty of Death

Living in gratitude on Day 13 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am grateful for the certainty of death. Yes, death.

People tend to be afraid to speak about death because it's taboo or superstitious or bad luck. It's morbid and dark and gloomy. All negatives with very few positives. I believe that the notion of death is a positive one and should be embraced as such.

When I completed my BA in English, I wanted to do an MA focusing on the imagery of death in poetry by Emily Dickinson. My American Literature lecturer was suitably pleased, but then later disappointed, when I left to pursue romance in Singapore instead.

Years later, I was accepted into an external PhD programme in the UK to examine the use of imagery to depict death in poetry by the terminally ill. My cancer specialist friend, however, told me that his patients never wrote poetry, they mostly swore in dialect and played religious chants on a loop. Not much chance of gleaning "death imagery" there. I decided to let death go, and to try and be a little less "melancholy". :)

The death of people close to us is so hard to bear because of the bond we have shared in life. We only ever truly feel that bond rip apart when those who love us die and suddenly we realise the depth of love that was there. My maternal Grandma's death was hard for me because I knew how much she loved me and I hung on selfishly, and sobbed wildly, when she passed on.

My father's death was traumatic for me because I never knew if he ever loved me, and I hung on selfishly hoping he knew that I loved him despite his failings and forgave him his absence in my life. His passing left an abyss in my heart that took many years to heal. I don't know if it really has healed.

Death in the abstract seems almost an escape or a release from the burdens of  life, disease, and a crazy world which sometimes seems insane. Death in reality is a pain filled trauma of surrendering part of one's self, reflected in another, into the unknown.

One's own death should be something to anticipate because it is a certainty. Nothing else is so certain once we are born. How does one anticipate one's death when we cannot know the date, time or place when it will occur? It is the ultimate surprise of all surprises.

The only way forward is to live a well examined life in which one strives to live uprightly. The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. Everything starts there. Why fear man when he can tear down the body but cannot destroy the soul? It is God who is our salvation. By ordering our lives rightly we can live without fear of meeting our Maker. We can say we are ready to go at any time.

I am grateful for the prospect of death because it helps me live my life well. Yes, I need help living an upright life. It's the greatest challenge of all to be able to end the race and say we ran it well.

I am not afraid to die. In fact, I welcome death because I view it as a doorway to another phase. I believe in eternity and the afterlife. I hear them beckon as my years pass by, and I feel my soul grow old as she seeks peace, quiet, solace, contemplation and prayer as a means of growing ready to live that eternity. The growth of the soul is life's work in preparation for death and eternity. I remain grateful that I will cross that threshold some day, and I embrace the certainty of death without fear. Meanwhile, I intend to live fully.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Precious Friends

Living with gratitude on day 12 of a 30 day liquid diet. Today I am filled with gratitude for friends of old. Once upon a time, we three ladies were neighbours in number 3, 4 and 5, Hay Market Road in Seletar Camp. Our homes have long been demolished to make way for an expanding aerospace industry. We will never forget our time in that paradise. There's never been a place quite like Seletar Camp, or a community like ours.

I spent some of my best years as a parent there, from 2004 to 2009,  homeschooling my kids and living in a street with 14 kids in 5 houses. We three had kids the same age, and bonded over many dinners, parties, movie screenings, play sessions, pool dippings, and kids' growing pains. We survived our own idiosyncracies and managed to live together closely, ultimately cherishing relationship over everything else despite bumps along the way.

We popped in and out of each other's homes with the greatest of ease since we had connecting gates in our side fences. We exchanged baked goodies and stepped in to rescue stranded kids. We laughed together more than we cried because those really were fun days when the kids were young and our idyllic lives stretched before us. We, too, were young.

We disbanded and left the camp because we had no choice,  but we have kept in touch and meet up whenever we can. Every encounter is so precious. We pick up where we left off, talk about the kids and our own projects, and where we are headed in life.

I am so happy that my friends are doing well. I couldn't wish for anything better than to know that they are happy on their own journeys, and their kids are growing beautifully.

Once there were 3 lady neighbours, and though they grew apart "geographically", they stayed close at heart. Love knows no bounds, really, especially the love of those who knew us once when life seemed a dream and who continue to love us when we have awakened from our slumber. In our 50's and so much more grown as persons than we ever were, we are at peace with ourselves, and the world. Thank you for your spontaneously combusted visit, it was awesome! So blessed, and so grateful.

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Living a Meaningful Narrative

Living with gratitude on day 11 of a 30 day liquid diet. On my morning walk today I thought about the need for meaning in life. I am grateful that it is possible to find meaning in all that we experience.

Someone told me that I was brave because I had a certain perspective on illness, and my response was that finding meaning in illness and suffering helps one become brave. I don't think any one of us is born with the necessary courage to endure difficulty. I believe one can become brave and courageous in the face of adversity by seeking meaning and by remaking one's narrative.

A narrative is a story, and like any good story it has heroes, and villains, a main plot with themes and sub themes, plenty of drama, elements of tragedy, moments of comedy and basically has a beginning, a long middle part and an ending. That's just a conveniently simplistic view.  :)

How we see ourselves is primary to how our narratives develop and unfold. If we think we are a victim then that's our main role and theme. If we aspire to be the heroine then our narratives are punctuated by many heroic deeds against nearly impossible odds, and, depending on our definition of a hero, we might succeed simply by attempting to heights of greatness. What we tell ourselves about ourselves is so important in feeding and constructing our narratives. We are what we think we are, to some extent.

We all have our stories, and whether we realise it or not,  we are contributing to our narrative everyday. We edit, embellish, reframe, destroy and rewrite our narratives many times over, either in subconscious subtle ways or by consciously shutting away past chapters and taking our conclusion in a new direction altogether. The human mind is so powerful at doing this, and we need to learn to harness this for our own good by focusing on all that is good and that builds us up, and letting go of the sad and unhelpful things that tear us down.

We do this to reconcile what we wanted life to be like, and the reality of what it actually is like. We all have hopes and dreams, and when these are dashed we cannot process our failings without totally falling to pieces because very often our sense of self esteem is too fragile. We are devastated too easily when things fall apart, and we can find no answers to the "Why?" questions. There seems to be a gap there, and we simply cannot allow a vacuum to exist but feel the need to fill it with meaning. Reconstructing our narratives becomes an important tool to help us rebuild ourselves through adversity.

When chronic illness throws a spanner in the works and rears its ugly head over and over again, a person can lose their sense of identity, and they struggle to find meaning in life. Theirs is a narrative interrupted. These interruptions are like fault lines, there through no fault of the individual but always quietly waiting to throw things into upheaval.

Reconstructing my life's narrative has had to become a very important task as I have struggled with important and large questions like "Who am I?", "How do I Live as the Insignificant Other?", "Does my life still have meaning?", "How shall I rise above my personal struggles?" And of course, everybody's ultimate question, "What is happiness?"

I believe that when we personally define "happiness" for ourselves then our narratives begin to practically write themselves. Happiness, for me, is dying to self and living a life of service to others. The heart of man is such that it is never satisfied no matter how much it is fed. It is inherently selfish, and seeks personal gain at all cost. This is basic human nature. One has to consciously choose to move away from that. When one selflessly chooses to seek the happiness of others then the heart and soul are enlarged, and life has a deeper and broader meaning. This depth extends to the narrative too. Life becomes deeply, and truly, meaningful.

I am grateful that in the reworking of my narrative, despite the rollercoaster ride of chronic illness, I have found the unlimited grace and loving mercy of God that allows me to keep going. It's acceptable to make mistakes because His unconditional love never stops forgiving us and giving us second chances. It's fine to edit the narrative as life unfolds, to go back and look at things and understand why life happened the way it did, and to look forward and to try to navigate the future with self awareness and an open heart.

It's good to live the present with a vulnerable and generous heart, willing to engage with others, to serve and to rise above one's limitations daily. One must try to everyday. This way, when one reaches the end of their narrative there are fewer regrets and a sense of some accomplishment. And God will say to us, "Well done, my beloved servant, enter into your rest". I think I'd like that to be the epilogue of my narrative. :)

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Limited Energy, Unlimited Beauty

Gratitude on day 10 of a 30 day liquid diet. I am grateful for energy, no matter how limited it may be. Somehow, yesterday, I managed to attend a 3 hour Poverty Simulation run by Aware at SMU in the morning, cook bak kut teh for the family in the afternoon, visit a disabled friend at home in the evening, and attend a friend's birthday party in town at night.

In one day I managed to do all these things with the limited energy I gleaned from 8 packets of special drinks in 18 wakeful hours. I packed my drinks with me and lugged them along everywhere. Have tetrapak will travel! I guzzled my way through the day like a cranky car engine soaking up every last drop of petrol to get going and keep moving. I made it through one of my busiest days in a long time.

Where did the energy come from? From a lack of inflammation that is being managed by steroids and a liquid diet. And yes, the absence of pain meant that all my energies were made available to me to enjoy myself, to be present in each moment, to participate fully and to really engage with others around me.

A pain filled day doesn't allow for any of this to happen, it's just too hard on the body to do anything beyond responding to screaming nerve endings and brain signals, usually accompanied by fever, body aches, headaches and total exhaustion. You curl up in a fetal position and can barely speak, and tears flow because a part of you wants to be left alone, but a part of you also wants company and yet you know you're not up to anything at all.

I think the energy also comes when one focuses on others and not one's own troubles. Helping the poor, visiting the disabled, cooking for others, bringing joy to friends... all of these activities are outwardly directed rather than inwardly focused. I believe this to be energising and life giving. In blessing others with my limited energies I was able to receive even more energy as the positive effects simply snowballed.

Yesterday was so beautiful. It was an amazing day of accomplishing much with so little. Largely with me being available and bringing joy to others while enlarging my own heart. The day was filled with laughter, love and lightness. I am grateful for the pain free energy that took me through the day and for every single moment of engagement with friends old and new. I felt so alive!

Thanks for reading,

Pav