Day 31 in a Month of Gratitude (31st October 2020)

Day 31 of A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and it's the last day today. Phew. It's been an experience, and I am #grateful for #gratitude. When I set out to be grateful for one thing in particular everyday, I hoped to develop a sense of thanksgiving, and a continued focus on what is in my life rather than missing from it by rewiring my brain through gratitude. 

I also wanted to be more open, transparent, vulnerable and honest, because I believe in connection through all of that. I wrote and waffled on, or I made videos and waffled on; in short, no matter what medium I chose, I had plenty to say about the one thing I chose to focus on. One might think that finding that one thing is an easy task, but it wasn't, really. I spent up to an hour over the course of each day thinking about people, events, feelings, experiences... and trying to find that one thing that jumped out at me and said, "Be grateful for this!" There were a couple of days when my mind drew a blank, and I felt a little numb, and the whole gratitude exercise seemed tiring, but on those days I kept going, keeping it simple, and not thinking too deeply about things. 

I found that on the days when I really stopped and thought things through, weighed things in my heart and chose to be grateful even if great feelings of gratitude did not appear at the surface or follow soon after... these days were especially vital, authentic, and important to me. Sometimes, I wept as I wrote about why I was grateful, and as I look back now, it was mostly about people, and the feelings they evoked in me that brought tears and healing to my memories and my heart. I chose to practice self compassion, and to be kind to myself in the midst of reliving pain, or a myriad of emotions that rose to the surface with recollections of moments past and their interface with the present. 

Even though the month is over, I plan to continue being grateful, and sharing occasionally with my dear friends who have been very kind, encouraging and inspiring, and who have told me how much they enjoyed my posts and videos. Thank you for reading and watching, I am deeply appreciative, especially since it's all rather lengthy, and a bit of a commitment on your part. It has been such a meaningful exercise and experience for me, to have been able to share my life experiences with others and find that they have found their lives enriched too in some way.

One thing I struggled with along the way was writing about things that were in my life that others might not have had in theirs, or had lost, and I was aware that I might hurt or offend some folks who might feel I was rubbing it in. I decided to keep sharing anyway, because I spent many years in the shadow of others who resented the good things in my life, and I felt that I could never find my voice and express my truth, and it was suppressed. So now, I speak it, I hope others see it for what it is... someone who is struggling, as we all are, to make meaning of difficulty in life and choosing to be grateful and hoping others will be encouraged along their journey. 

I'm not sure if it's FB's algorithms or an explosion of gratitude online, but I have seen so many others writing about things that they are grateful for, sharing their stories, posting videos, narrating their victories over life's struggles and rejoicing in all that they have been given in life. I rejoice with them, and I am so encouraged to be seeing others practicing gratitude in their own way. 

Gratitude leads to contentment; when we see all the good in our lives we can dampen the need or want for more to fill the emptiness of our hearts. If we look to the Giver of all good things, we rejoice because we know He watches over us, our days are in His hands, and we are truly the Beloved of God. I have been grateful for many things these past 31 days, but I think I have gravitated towards people, and feelings evoked by people, nature, and experiences in life. I have come to understand myself and my priorities better, my idiosyncracies and my thought processes too, and best of all, I have come to see how central gratitude is to my well being. 

Spending an hour everyday thinking and writing about gratitude has helped me see all the good in my life, and to remain focussed on it. I remain grateful for some not very good things too... because that's my way of integrating everything and looking for the silver lining helps heal my heart. I intend to keep at it, to remain grateful and to be content. I hope you will consider a season of gratitude, no matter how short, as a way to rewire your brain, learn about yourself, be open to the world, and be content. Share with others or journal it on your own, whatever works best for you. Be grateful! 🙏❤

A pix of us on second son's birthday in September 2020. Time to take a new one soon! 

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #GratefulForGratitude #Contentment #RewireBrain #Thanksgiving #Meaningful #Enriching #Encouragement #Integration #WellBeing #MentalHealth #Authentic #Vulnerable #Honest #Healing #SelfCompassion #Kindness #BelovedOfGod #ContinuedGratitude #IMadeItThroughDayThirtyOne

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

Day 30 in A Month of Gratitude (30th October 2020)

Day 30 in A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today, I am #grateful for my #daughter. After having 2 sons, it was quite a delight to have a little girl, especially a ray of #sunshine that brought her #cheer wherever she went, and for whom shadows vanished as she ran into a room, lighting it up by the sheer presence of a #radiant personality. Watching her run as a child with her hair flying in the wind, and laughing as she played, I was reminded of a horse... a beautiful, strong filly, born in the year of the horse. 

It came as little surprise that she eventually gravitated towards horse riding, though it was first her love of animals in general that drew her, like a magnet, to the massive beasts. She learnt to ride, and compete, had a few tumbles and eventually had to slow down because of the pressures of exams, but watching her interact with the horses, care for them, feed them and love them revealed her deep love for animals. 

Nobody loves our dogs, Frodo and Sam, like she does, they are practically her babies. No one knows them quite the way she does, and it's true, we simply don't. When you're a natural born animal lover you gravitate towards creatures big and small, and you have an affinity for them and they sense it, and they bond with you and love you in return. When she was younger we had rabbits, hamsters, stingrays, fish, dogs... a regular menagerie, and I felt like I was a part of My Family and Other Animals, my fav book by Gerald Durrell. The day her stingrays died due to a malfunction of our pond pump and their extreme sensitivity to changes in water quality, she was away on a Gr 5 school trip overseas. I went to the airport to bring her home, and I told her about their passing, and she wept so sadly. We never replaced the stingrays, partly because their care involved my breeding an aquarium of fresh tiny shrimp to feed the finicky eaters, but partly because we couldnt bear the thought of them dying again. 

When our labradoodle, Frodo, nearly died from eating snail bait poison sprinkled around the garden by the gardener, we rushed him to A and E and found ourselves in tears, though she was utterly devastated at the possibility of him dying. The narrow escape with Sam's intestinal blockage due to her gobbling a chunk of corn on the cob, both the dogs narrowly escaping death by cobra, and Frodo's impending blindness due to a cataract, now rectified... all of these incidents troubled us greatly, but no one felt them as deeply as she did, and she did the most to help and to care for the dogs out of her great affection for them.

They say you can tell the depths of a person's or a society's compassion by the way they treat animals, in which case she must have an endless depth to her compassion. The baby birds that have fallen from the nests in her bathroom planter that have needed rescuing, the cats in the street that needed feeding, the squirrels in the garden that looked hungry and needed food, they all drew her attention. Everywhere we travelled she found animals to love, and at home we had a constant stream of little creatures that she found herself enamoured of, and with whom she felt she had a bond. It was a delight to behold, even when it was a snake, caught and kept in a tank for a few days observation. In all these things, we have been united in our love for animals, and each other. 

She wants to study Zoology, and perhaps Marine Biology as well... and some days I think to myself that I wish I was her. On the brink of great adventures, her life before her, the world her oyster, and so much to look forward to in every way. Of all my children, she has been the one to seize life in her hands and capitalise on every opportunity that has come her way. We dived together on her first SCUBA dives off Cairns, and now she's trying to get her Advanced qualifications and learn to free dive too. We share a love of the ocean and marine life, and diving with her and watching her come alive in the sea is a #joy, something that we share and treasure. 

One of my fav things to do with her is to watch psychological thrillers together. A touch of mystery, an exploration of the human mind, a whiff of horror, a possible murder, maybe some romance, lots of laughs... we  love it all. Snuggling up with her at night and watching a series together is the highlight of my day. We keep finding something to watch together, and I cherish the closeness while it lasts. Exchanging stories of our adventures, our ups and downs, and cheering each other on has been special because it's two women interacting now, and while I am still Ma, she's no longer a child. 

Having a daughter has been a privilege. Loving and being loved by her has been special. A real blessing to have seen her grow up and retain so much of her cheerful sunniness despite clouds coming and going. Mothers and daughters do a dance, and underlying it all is a deep affection and companionship. I try to love her deeply, hold on lightly, let her go, all at the same time. I see so much of me in her, and yet a lot that is not me at all, and I am glad that she isn't a clone of me but a better person in many ways. Glad that she has a strong voice, a deep sense of self, a clear idea of what she wants in life, and a heart of compassion and love. Beauty of soul and strength of spirit rolled into one, like a lovely horse that is a delight to behold. 🐎🐎🐎

I love you more than you can imagine, and than I can ever say or show you, but I know that you know. ❤

Some of my fav pix of my only daughter.  

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #GratefulForDaughter #Horse #AnimalLover  #Strength #Beauty #Compassion #Treasure #Sunshine #Privilege #Companionship #Snuggles #BeautifulSoul #StrongSpirit #Delight #Radiant #Joy #IMadeItThroughDayThirty

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

Day 29 in A Month of Gratitude (29th October 2020)

Day 29 of A Month of Gratitude #AMOG, and today, I am #grateful for #eldestson. He's the #pioneer who paved the way for his siblings, and made a mother out of me.  I still remember how excited I was at the prospect of motherhood, and how I read every help book, attended ante-natal classes, and was overjoyed to see him growing on ultrasound scans. 

Of course, giving birth isn't quite like the books say it is, and nothing really prepares you for it or for motherhood. What a wild ride it has been! Eldest son was the most cheerful of babies though, fairly easy to care for, very active, and such a bundle of joy that we happily had more kids. Why not, when eldest son was so much fun? 

I remember one fine Saturday evening, when he was a few months old, he started screaming his lungs out, and I thought he was going to burst his gut or something scary, so we bundled him off to the GP down the road. As soon as we left the house, he cheered up, smiled at everyone he saw, and was happy once again. In fact, he was totally healthy too, as the GP told us while charging us $40 for the consult. As first time parents we had no idea which cry was the "I want to go for a walk, just being home all day with you two is rather dull!" cry. We received an education that day. Eldest son needs so much more of a social milieu than just his parents. 

Another early lesson we learnt was never to entirely trust junior doctors. We took eldest son for his 3 month baby check up at a polyclinic, and a junior doctor decided to test his eyesight. She moved a pen in front of his face as he sat attentively on my lap, and suddenly, her face fell, and she said, "Your son may be blind, let me consult my senior doctor", and she scampered off, leaving us bewildered. Our son may be blind?! What? I looked at him and was sure he looked right back at me, and our hearts pounded in our chests as we wondered if our son hadn't been seeing us for 3 whole months and we were clueless! Senior doctor came back, ran a test or two and established what I had always known... he wasn't blind! Oh thank God, eldest son just didn't think junior doctor's pen was worth his effort and time. He preferred human faces!

As a toddler, he loved running everywhere he went, and engaging in conversations with everyone. Active, and chatty, he made friends easily, and had a group of admirers at the playground who enjoyed playing with him in the evenings. He also had a deep sense of perceiving injustice and unfairness at an early age. I'll always remember him offering part of his lunch to the helper at the table next to us at a restaurant... she wasn't allowed to eat while her employers enjoyed a sumptuous lunch, so eldest son offered his food to her. She smiled and declined, but in that moment, I saw his #generous and #compassionate heart, and I knew he felt for the oppressed. 

I've learnt a lot about eldest son over the years. He's #smart and #charming, loves activity and company and has friends from a wide range of backgrounds, is a very loyal friend, is street smart and savvy, and he doesn't do things that are a waste of his time and effort. He will side with the underdog whenever he can, and has a keen interest in human rights, being quite unable to stand by and see others suffer. He can also see right through people and ascertain the truth of situations quite easily; he isn't blind at all. 

Whenever good opportunities come his way, he brings his friends along for the ride. You can count on him to come through for you, to be there in your darkest of times, and to be generous and genuinely loving of those he calls his tribe. Watching him grow and evolve over time has been a treat. An open heart and a loving soul who truly cares and gives of himself despite his own struggles, he's always there when others need him. 

My fav thing to do with him is to watch something together because we have similar tastes, especially with science fiction, war movies, historical series, human rights stories, social justice and civic movements and all their struggles... these sorts of things are a shared connection that we explore from time to time. A recommendation of a movie from him is always worth considering because he recognises a quality production that usually resonates with me. A discussion about it segues to chats on current affairs, affairs of the heart, and a general check in with how we are doing. Precious moments, and cherished memories. 

A look from eldest son when I am down is all it takes for me to cheer up. His look says either, "Are you alright, everything okay?" or "Are you alright, please be okay!" and in both cases, I am okay, because he wishes it, and because his well being is wrapped up in mine and vice-versa. What a privilege it has been to have had eldest son show me the ropes as a first time mum. I have often felt so inadequate, and wondered if I was doing enough as a chronically ill mother. I look at eldest son, and the lovely person that he is today, and I am happy and grateful. 

Thank you for being you... you are a joy to my heart. I love you more than I can ever express. 

Pix of us in May 2016 when he commissioned as 2Lt, and on holiday in Melbourne in 2018. 

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #GratefulForEldestSon #Pioneer #MadeAMumOutOfMe #BundleOfJoy #Smart #Charming #Active #Chatty #Cheerful #LoyalFriend #Generous #Compassionate #StreetSmartAndSavvy #ChampionsUnderdogs #HumanRights #SimilarTastes #SciFiFans #JoyToMyHeart #IMadeItThroughDayTwentyNine

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

Day 28 in A Month of Gratitude (28th October 2020)

Day 28 in A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today I am #grateful for my #Mother aka Ma. My mother was born in Singapore in 1941, and left shortly thereafter for the Punjab, to hide out in her father's village, Mugal Chakh, during WW2 with her mother and brothers and cousins. Once the war was over, they returned to Singapore, and began their formal schooling. My uncles went to ACS and then to the University of Malaya in Singapore. My mother went to RGS and then went to Teacher's Training College (TTC) in Singapore. My father, from KL, and my uncle were uni mates, studying History, and that's how he met my mother and romance blossomed. 

My mother graduated from TTC at the age of 19, got married, and left for Malaysia with my father, where she taught in schools in KL and Penang. Eventually, she returned to Singapore with us for a few years, and I remember her zipping about in her jaunty Datsun, attending meetings at the Istana to organise fund raisers for Children's Charities, and being the life of the party wherever she went. 

My mother's cooking is legendary. Her curries are especially a delight, and anybody who has eaten her cooking never forgets it. Her hospitality and generosity of spirit are such  that anyone who visited us was often back again. Dinners with her famed mutton curry, chicken curry, mixed veggie masala, dhal, salads, vadais in yogurt, chapatis... all lovingly made by her, have fed many who came through our doors, and it was all washed down afterwards with her milky, spicy masala tea. 

My mother has a witty sense of humour, and a way with words. Her old school style of writing, and in perfect cursive script, belies her schooling, when English was taught grammatically, and handwriting reflected personality and character. She speaks multiple languages fluently, and has a warbling soprano that reminds me of a nightingale. She loves God with all her heart and graduated from Bible School at 62 years, so she could be a better equipped missionary in Nepal, having braved the jungles and wild boars of Borneo years before on mission trips. Her faith has sustained her throughout her life, and she has a fierce love for God. 

She taught me to swim when I was tiny, at the Singapore Swimming Club, where we swam on Saturdays after watching Sesame Street and munching chicken wings at home. She was a pioneer in her own way, boldly blazing a trail where many women had not yet gone. As a trainee teacher, she went on swimming trips to the coast and islands with colleagues, returning late and causing her father so much concern that he almost called the police once. She is, in my opinion, a beautiful soul ahead of her time. 

Her strength and courage in facing life's struggles and challenges have inspired me. It was really only after having my own children that I really appreciated what it meant to be a mother, and how much I loved my own mother, and the great debt that I owed her. And how many times I had unknowingly broken her heart just by being insensitive and uncaring. She did so much for us, on her own, and for her many sacrifices and her unconditional love I shall always remain grateful.

My Ma turns 80 in January, and we had hoped to gather in KL to celebrate this milestone. It looks like we might not make it. I miss her laughter, her hugs, her chats and her cheery outlook on everything despite her difficulties. I can't wait to see her again and bask in her love and affection and love her back in person. I miss you, Ma. Stay well and stay safe, and see you soon. We live in hope! ❤

Pix of Ma at age 19. Graduated, Married. 

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #GratefulForMother #Ma #UnconditionalLove #Teacher #Linguist #Songbird #Legendary #Hospitality #Generosity #GreatCook #BeautifulSoul #Cheerful #Witty #Strength #Courage #Sacrificial #Hugs #AheadOfHerTime #RGS #TTC #BestMaEver #IMadeItThroughDayTwentyEight

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Day 27 of A Month of Gratitude in October (27th October 2020)

Day 27 of A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and I am #grateful for #afternoontea. Had a lovely time today at The Fullerton, sipping English Breakfast tea and munching tea time cakes,  savouries and scones. Had been expecting sandwiches, but apparently it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month and the theme is pink, and pink cakes and pastries are so much more appealing than pink sandwiches. 

Afternoon tea, if done well, is quite #civilised and #proper, and a #leisurely affair where time is forgotten in a haze of conversation and convivial companionship. Topics of conversation today ranged from politics to personal, Covid to Crohn's, meetings to migraines, and a host of other things in between. Afternoon tea is #chatter, #banter and #bonhomie, and one of my fav ways to catch up with old friends. 

The afternoon tea at Raffles Hotel is still one of my old favs, but for some reason, The Fullerton is growing on me. I simply love the flowers in her entrance too, with an explanatory note, and her old world charm. She's lovely, and time sped past in the loveliest of ways. So blessed! 

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #Grateful #GratefulForAfternoonTea #Civilised #Proper #Leisurely #Conversation #Companionship  #Chatter #Banter #Bonhomie #FullertonHotel #StraitsClub #OldWorldCharm #Lovely #Flowers #IMadeItThroughDayTwentySeven

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

Day 26 in A Month of Gratitude (26th October 2020)

Day 26 of A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today, I am #grateful for #secondson. It was a strange day today, from the moment I woke up I felt out of sorts, and exhausted, and the day seemed to appear long and draggy. It's been punctuated with grumpy encounters on a day when I think I'd have preferred being a hermit, and should have caught up on sleep and rest.  Instead, the literal rain fell from the sky in the morning, and something obscured the sun from my soul too, and I felt myself perfunctorily floating along rather joylessly in a sleepy daze. Nothing seemed to reach me as I pondered gratitude for today.  My heart and mind were an icy blank, in fact, I was more annoyed than grateful, and events unfolded that upset me. And then the clouds parted, thanks to my 23 year old second son. 

Second son is a natural born counsellor. The kind of loving soul who can hear every side of a story, see right through to an issue and help guide you in finding your way through a maze. What a joy it has been to be able to sit down and talk to him openly and transparently and lay bare my soul. I can weep, or be upset, and express my feelings and he will hear it all and weigh his words and speak the truth to my heart in the gentlest of ways. 

I often tell myself that I'm supposed to be the one who stands in the gap and is there for the kids all the time, but second son's empathy and compassion remind me that it is perfectly alright to lean on my own children once in awhile, especially the adult ones who have lived long enough to know that things are not always black or white. Sometimes, all you need is to touch base, talk things over, get a megadose of hugs, be in the presence of unconditional love, and you can feel like your day has brightened, you've shed a burden, and your world seems safer, and it's all because someone you love deeply, loves you deeply, too.

And so my sleep deprived day got off to a poor start but it was rescued by second son who, with his natural instinct perceived that I was upset, and with his genuine affection, acted on it and sat down to hear me out. I spoke, I wept, I ranted a bit, I vented a lot. And he listened, because listening is what he does well. It's a genuine skill, to be an empathetic listener, and a natural born counsellor, and see beyond the mess of words, feelings, tears and anger, to what is going on and to know the right things to say. And he always does know what to say, and because he says it so gently and lovingly I sit up and listen to his innate wisdom, knowing that it comes from a good place. 

So I am grateful for second son and the gift of his presence at home for now, and his loving heart and sweet soul that genuinely cares and is unafraid to be vulnerable and authentic. I do believe that I owe my life to him in some way, as he was there for me in my darkest days a few years ago when I thought my life was actually over. Having him journey with me, with his listening ear, loving heart, and embracing arms saved my life. The knowledge that his well being is inextricably linked to my own well being has kept me going, but largely it is pure love. 

To be loved unconditionally by a sweet soul is a gift beyond measure. I love you, not just because you so clearly love me, but because of who you are. ❤

A couple of my fav pix of second son on my birthday in 2016 and in NS in 2017. 

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #GratefulForSecondSon #NaturalBornCounsellor #Listener #InnateWisdom #Empathy #Compassion #Gentle #Sweet #Vulnerable #Authentic #Transparent #Open #UnconditionalLove #SafeSpace #IMadeItThroughDayTwentySix

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Day 25 in A Month of Gratitude (25th October 2020)

Day 25 of A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today, I am #grateful for #youngestson. I opened the mail today, and there in all its stark and factual simplicity was a letter addressed to me from MINDEF, stating that my youngest son has to register for National Service in November 2020. My heart did a flip. The Last of the Mohicans came to mind, my reference to him being the youngest child and last boy-man in the house.  

There's nothing quite like an NS call up to wake you up to the idea that your son has grown over the years. He just turned 17 in late August, I just read his Extended Essay yesterday, he still has school and major IB exams in 7 months. And they've called him up... a bit early, no? I think he'll get to say that he's available after July 2021 or some such thing, but this letter that comes to me, and to him, seals the deal. You're here for another two years at the beck and call of your country. You've known it all your life, and the day draws near.  

Youngest son is like a light in the darkness, to me. Every time I see him, there's hugs and a smile, from both of us for each other. We're making up for lost time when things were rougher as we rode out the teenage years, and we were both in a daze. Now we do a dance that says "Hey, I love you, even if I don't want to talk right now and I want to be left alone, I'll always love you." We can say this to each other, move apart, and then come back again and pick up right where we left off. I call this the Dance of Right Timings. I used to be so bad at this, with two left feet, but after 4 kids perhaps I have learnt it, finally. When to speak, and when to be silent, and when to wait for them to come back to you. Neither of us can bear to be angry with the other for long, and apologies are quick and heartfelt. 

I look forward to enjoying his company during NS while his sibs are hopefully all back at uni abroad, if the global situation allows. In fact, it was just meant to be youngest son and me this academic year, rattling about at home, and enjoying each other's company while missing the others deeply. But Covid meant that everybody came home, and we've kept everyone home for a whole academic year, and youngest son and I have had a bonus of extra time with his 3 wonderful siblings. A silver lining for us all, in the midst of so much upheaval. 

Youngest son is sweet, smart, witty and charming, and has a way with words. As a young child he didn't say too much, poor chap, his voice was drowned out by everyone else and he enjoyed being a solitary figure, playing with his bucket of soldiers for hours in the garden. As he has grown, I have come to appreciate his voice, and the message that he carries with it. It's love, acceptance, understanding and compassion. I see it in his eyes when he looks at me, and in his dealings with others, and I am grateful. May you find your life's passion and pursue it, and may you be happy, and healthy. 

I am glad that he has been well for several years, and that the course of his Crohn's has been far quieter than mine. For years, I prayed and hoped that none of my children would have Crohn's, which can be inherited, and my heart was utterly broken to discover 9 years ago that youngest son has it too. It took me awhile to forgive myself, as I felt unnecessarily guilt stricken, but youngest son's courage, wisdom and strength in the face of his own suffering has always been an inspiration to me. To see him well, enjoying school, spending time with his friends, and working towards his dreams as been like medicine to my soul. To sit down with him and to open up at length and share deeply from the heart is something we both treasure. What a gift youngest son has been. I hand him over to the powers that be, during NS, knowing that they promise to make a man out of him, but truly, I think he's an outstanding man already. Keep him safe, please. 

I love you, sweetheart, more than you will ever know. Thank you for giving me permission to share all this, and approving my post. ❤

An old fav pix of him as a baby with me in 2004, and another on holiday in Croatia in 2019. I used to take him for walks in his baby stroller around Seletar Camp where we lived when he was born, and I do think folks thought I was his Sri Lankan helper. Haha! Cutest baby award, most biased mother award! 🤣 

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #grateful  #GratefulForYoungestSon  #LastOfTheMohicans #NSCall #LightInTheDarkness #Courage #Wisdom #Strength #AlreadyAMan #Sweet #Smart #Witty #Charming #Gift #Love #Acceptance #Understanding #Compassion #Sweetheart #StaySafe #StayHealthy #IMadeItThroughDayTwentyFive

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

Day 24 in a Month of Gratitude (24th October 2020)

Day 24 of A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today, I am #grateful for #me. Yes, just plain ol' me. Was thinking about what to be grateful for and felt a little stressed plus am crazy busy because I am proofreading youngest son's 4000 word IB Extended Essay on Economics, specifically looking at the CPF and relative poverty amongst the employed elderly above retirement age in Singapore... It's due on Monday and my head is swimming with theory, numbers, figures, and words, and I need to cook chicken curry soon. One cannot live on words alone, one must feed the kids too! I am grateful to have one last IB EE to proofread, and daily meals to prepare or order in, and I love my kids to bits and the world is a lovely place (some of it, some of the time!)... so here I am folks, keeping it really simple... I am grateful for me! 

Won't add a list of wonderful adjectives to describe myself and to hashtag away as I am somewhat modest and shall refrain. Teehee! I shall, however, state that I am a #survivor and a #thriver, which is saying a lot because it has taken me some time to move from one state to the next. I was in survival mode for a long time. Now I feel that I am thriving. Found my groove, and I am #happy. I keep my expectations of myself low, or at least I try, and remind myself not to take everything too seriously. Seriously, yes, because that's part of my nature, but not too seriously. I rejoice in my limitations while working on them and I try to remind myself of all that is good in me too. I think I struggle with that. Is it my nature or nurturing that makes it hard for me to see the good in myself? Perhaps we are conditioned to not focus on ourselves and all the beauty that resides within. Accepting ourselves with all our warts as well as our lovelier bits is important, and to focus on being a better version of myself everyday keeps me on an even keel. Every new day is a fresh chance to be a brand new old me! Yay! 🤣

Well, today, caught between the CPF, relative poverty, frying onions and masala, and cooking chicken curry... somewhere in there is me. Able to proof read an essay on just about anything, and feed the masses at the same time. And I've showered and I look and smell good too... until the masala gets fried! Domestic goddess is hardly me, in fact, I'm happiest curled up with a book or watching sci fi on the telly. Gee, I have so many talents! 🤣 Be grateful for yourselves, too, dear friends, nobody else might be or has to be, you owe it to yourself to be grateful for you, and to love yourself in your entirety!❤

Fav pix of me on my fav villa in Baros, in the Maldives, over looking the ocean. So me. Why is me not where me wants to be? Sooooon! 

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #GratefulForMe #Survivor #Thriver #Happy #LowerExpectations #AcceptLimitations #LoveYourself #BetterVersionDaily #BrandNewOldMe #Talents #BeautyWithin #Entirety #WartsAndAll #IMadeItThroughDayTwentyFour   

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

Day 23 in A month of Gratitude (23rd October 2020)

Day 23 in A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and I am #grateful for my #memories. Today, I sat looking at my beautiful German cello, David, and I wished that I could play him better, as he deserves to be played. And I remembered the day I got him as a gift; how we had gone to the shop, looked at several models and picked David, who is worth several thousand dollars. I loved my gift, as I loved the giver then, but for some years I was unable to play my cello because the memory of my gift brought me pain and sadness. Why would someone give me something so exquisite and then leave me a few years later? 

And so it was with practically everything else that I had in my life. My fav baubles of jewellery, picked out on special occasions, and given to me as a sign of love and affection, lay unused for a few years. The sight of them made me cry, the touch of them brought grief, and the memories of happier times were just too much to bear. I refused to wear them because I was sad, angry, hurt and grieving. 

My home, a beautiful house with greenery and water features, apparently built for and dedicated to me, has been my sanctuary and refuge for nine years now, but there was a time when I could barely walk about in it without feeling grief in every step. Every feature, every corner, held memories of building and furnishing our lovely home. But every memory stabbed me in the heart, and it was more than I could bear. I wanted to start afresh somewhere with no old memories hanging in the air, no grief, and no hurt. And yet, for the children, this was their beloved home, and so I stayed in the house, for them, willing myself to do the necessary because it wasn't about only me. Once you have children, your life is never really your own. 

Everything that I have had has been given to me, and I am grateful to have so much. For someone who never asked for anything or barely placed a premium on material things, I have been blessed with more than many have received. And yet many things in my life remind me of a different time in my existence when love and happiness abounded. The challenge is to remain happy with all those things, now that love has flown away. It is possible, if one heals the memories, and the emotions, and rightly sees the past for what it is. 

The past was beautiful. It truly was. No matter how things ended, the shared loved was real, the sentiments behind every gift were genuine, and the intentions were good and honourable. To be able to look back and appreciate the beauty of something rare while it lived is to acknowledge its rightful place in my life, and to #integrate the past with my present. Life was beautiful then, and it still is now. And all those gifts are beautiful reminders of happier times which are a part of me and my life's journey. 

So I play my cello these days, caressing David, and loving his curves and the tone of his voice, and trying hard to let him sing beautifully and squeak less in my hands. I wear my favourite jewellery despite having acquired pieces on my own, after all, these gifts were always mine to enjoy from the very beginning and I chose them, and I daresay I have good taste. And best of all, I love my house that I built too, and I cherish every minute that we are here. Once the children have flown the nest I will move to a smaller nest, but for now I enjoy every nook and cranny, I remember the purchase of every piece of furniture and furnishing without sadness, and I try my best to be a good steward of all that is granted to my care. 

We are blessed to be well provided for, and that, too, helps with #forgiveness and the #healing of memories. It is far easier when there is less anxiety or worry. It is necessary, though, to heal our painful memories so we can find #peace in life, no matter what the circumstances. It almost seems easier to grieve over painful words and hurtful actions because you can avoid contact with people who hurt you, but what do you do with the things in your life that are a reminder of happier times? 

Close the door on the "Why" questions with no answers, open your heart to bringing memories, both good and bad, out into the light of day, and grieve over the past as you let it all go, and cherish the things you have been given by honouring the intentions of the giver. From time to time I feel tears well up, and fall unhindered, when a memory comes to mind, or the sight or sound of something triggers a memory. And I let the tears flow, because they are healing tears. I've found that with the passing of time the tears have been fewer, the weeping shorter, and the pain has dulled. It will never totally disappear, but that is what it means to have loved, and to have lost someone you cherished. To be human is to know this pain and to have this scar, in some form or the other. 

At the end of our lives, if we still have our faculties intact, our memories will remain with us, nobody can take them away, and they  will have informed a large part of the direction our lives have taken. May our journeys be directed by healed memories that help us make the best of decisions, may our hearts find peace as we integrate our past with our present, and may our future remembrances of those we have loved be blessed by a #lightness and #generosity of spirit that bodes well for a healed heart and mind. It isn't easy, but it's a big part of our journey, allowing our memories to heal, letting the past go and setting ourselves free. ❤

Pix of me posing with a gorgeous but somewhat neglected David whose strings need tightening. Always his G string that tends to go first. Cheeky fella! 🤣

#AMOG #AMonthOfOctober #GratefulForMemories #Pain #Hurt #Anger #Grief #HealMemories #IntegratePastWithPresent  #HonourIntentions #CherishGifts #Peace #Lightness #Generosity #Forgiveness #LetThePastGo #SetOurselvesFree #LifesWork #IMadeItThroughDayTwentyThree

Thanks for reading,

Pav

Day 22 in A Month of Gratitude (22nd October 2020)

Day 22 of A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today I am grateful for #helpers. Yes, for the ladies who have lived with me over the past 24 years and who have been a great help to our family, starting back in the day when we had one 6 month old baby in an apartment and then all the way through raising 4 kids in a house. 

I've had several helpers over the years, and they've all had their #strengths and #limitations. When the kids were tiny, it helped to have the #motherly type who knew what tiny kids were about. I remember our all time fav was Aunty Olivia, who could take all my 4 kids and the neighbour's kids on an outing to an indoor theme park, exhaust their energies, and feed them dinner too, so that Mum could have a break once in awhile. And she was the best cook ever too! I interviewed her while I was at NUH, having just delivered my fourth child and in need of a good helper and I never regretted hiring her. She left a few years later after she got married, and has her own family now and we have kept in touch.

Over the past 24 years, we had other helpers, and various incidents, including the "youngest son almost got fried in hot oil" scare, the "older boys got stuck in a large rabbit hatch with rabbit poop and pee" disaster, the "younger two got threatened with being beaten while I was in hospital having surgery" travesty, the "whole bunch of my personal belongings were stolen when we moved house" heartbreak and the "occasional rendesvous with a strange man when I went for check ups" mystery that were very worrying to me. Narrow escapes that occured and that remain in my memory but perhaps they overshadow the many, many benefits of having a helper through the busy, crazy years of raising 4 kids, homeschooling, and illness, and having to rely on the paid help of a total stranger who moves into your home and lives with you. Part of the family, but not quite entirely because it's a transactional relationship that involves a contract, a salary, and an employer-employee engagement. 

My helpers have helped with marketing, cooking, laundry and cleaning. They've helped with multiple babies and allowed me to rest when exhausted, travel on occasion, be admitted to hospital for days, leave home for outings, looked after me through a broken ankle and post surgery care, and basically been my right hand women. In my mind, I envision an assistant of sorts, though in reality, many haven't been educated or interested enough to personally grow beyond the scope of their daily work which is pretty demanding as it is. Being a helper is a tough way to earn money to send home to their desperate families, and often, they are single mothers supporting children and aged parents. They have mostly been loving and kind but they would leave my employ if better opportunities involving higher salaries became available, and I don't blame them. They perform their duties but their hearts are elsewhere, and I understand that fully. My heart has always been with my kids no matter where I have been. And I have always said, "I could never be my own helper, it's a tough job!"

Of late, we had Cicin for several years, whose famous cooking was enjoyed by everyone who came to our home, but who also worried endlessly about her son back home which is why she left us. Our current helper, Jen, is a young, single girl who cannot cook at all but has other strengths. And so I have stepped up in the cooking department and discovered that I can whip tasty stuff up, and I really appreciate somebody else doing the marketing and the food prep, and the cleaning up, so I can turn up and wave my spatula around and magically feed everybody. And the house runs, laundry gets done, and somehow we get by. It's such a relief to have help all along the way. Whether it is a luxury or a necessity is debatable, but for me it is both. Yeah. I can learn to exist in the in between spaces!

Thank you to all the excellent helpers I have had over the years, except for the scary, mean one who threatened my kids, and the one who stole my stuff and met mysterious men when I went to hospital... I am grateful to you lovely ladies for being on my journey, for helping me, for providing your assistance in a home filled with seemingly endless demands on your time and energy, and for your love and kindness shown to me and mine. I daresay I'd never have managed without you, and that I could have been far, far more patient and gracious with you all. 

I like to think that the best ones stayed on for years because they truly loved us. Perhaps that's an ideal of sorts but perhaps that's a reflection of the relationship we try to have with our helpers. We pay them, they live with us, and there are expectations all round, and yet it is another human being we have invited into our homes, with all of their own complexities. Keeping everyone happy is a bit of a dance. It's been an exercise in lowering expectations, being realistic, growing patience, being generous, closing an eye, and being grateful for the help. I like to think I could cope on my own but I know that bravado will fade quickly enough and I'll be exhausted and ill... and so, yes, whatever your limitations are, mine are possibly worse. Somehow, we can find the middle ground where I can be a good employer, and you can be a good employee. Both roles are difficult ones, and here's to finding a balance everyday and remaining grateful. 🙏❤

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #GratefulForHelpers #Maids #GreatAssistance #ManyBenefits #Loving #Kind #GreatCooks #HouseworkLaundryMarketingHelp #LowerExpectations #BeRealistic #BePatient #BeGenerous #RightHandWoman  #LuxuryOrNecessity #PartOfFamily #TransactionalRelationship #ContractualObligations #MiddleGround #Balance #ICouldNeverBeMyOwnHelper #ItsAToughJob #ThankYouLovelyLadies #IMadeItThroughDayTwentyTwo

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

Day 21 in A Month of Gratitude (21st October 2020)

Day 21 in A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today I am #grateful for #cleanwater. Yes, that thing that flows out of our taps and down our drains with so much ease is something we take for granted and I am so very grateful for it. Not rubbing it in my Selangor friends' faces but reading about water cuts there has made me all the more grateful. I hope your water woes are resolved soon!

Water is simply so #essential to life itself, that not having any, or easy #access to a clean and constant supply is just unthinkable. I remember shortages in Malaysia when supply was cut for a day or two and we filled up buckets and rationed usage, and as a child it was almost like a game. Who could use the least amount of water, and yay, no need to bathe! Yikes... compared to my usage now... gosh, I'm practically a water waster. I must be more conscious of my usage and #minimisewastage!

I can, thankfully, drink straight from the tap, if I wish, and the water tastes fine, or it's in its boiled version in my several cups of tea, coffee or milo that I get through in a day. Most of me is water, apparently, and so I tell myself not to cry and lose too much of myself! Haha! But I keep reminding myself to take shorter delicious, luxuriant, hot, therapeutic, hydromassaging showers everyday because the amount of water involved is frightening. I remember when the kids were tiny and enjoyed bath tub soaks and on a very rare occasion we could get all 4 in there... what a saving of water! But now we all have our own solo lengthy water therapy sessions... and as much as it is lovely, I hope we can learn to make it quick! Turning the tap off while brushing my teeth took me awhile to do because I loved the sound of running water, again so #therapeutic to one's ears but ever so wasteful. 

I am surrounded by #restorative bodies of water at home. I have a fish pond with a waterfall that runs for 12 hours, and so the sound of running water is there to enjoy in an enclosed system that recycles and filters the water so fish can survive. It's beautiful to listen to and to watch, and I indulge in it knowing it's a closed system. Similarly, I have a pool with a salt filtration pump system so we can swim and enjoy the water as often as we wish. I am a total water baby, I come alive in water, especially in the ocean. I often think it's a vestigial link to the primordial soup I first grew in, the amniotic fluid of my mother's womb. I feel safest and lightest surrounded by salt water, being on dry land with gravity weighing down on me is tiring! I love water, in all its forms, except maybe hail stones!

How blessed are we in Singapore to have access to this necessary treasure of clean water, and how easily we can waste it during our ablutions, our various laundry, kitchen and household washings and cleanings, and how much we miss it when it is taken away. As we explore ways of creating sources of #potable or drinkable water, we will still need to find ways to be far less wasteful. As I watch videos of people in poorer countries walking for miles to get a pot of clean water and walking home with it on their heads, queues of people waiting for handouts, many wells, rivers and reservoirs polluted, and those who do not have regular access to clean water falling ill due to water borne diseases... my heart is broken because, really, access to clean water ought to be a basic human right. And yet we don't hear enough about it because the richer nations take it for granted, and the poorer nations don't seem to have a voice because nobody cares enough about them. 

We need to #care. Consider ways to minimise wastage, and #donate to charities that help provide clean water to those who need it. One of my favs:

https://www.charitywater.org/donate

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude  #GratefulForCleanWater #Water #SourceOfLife #WaterWaster #PotableSources #Essential #Therapeutic #Restorative #WaterShortages #WaterPollution #ABasicHumanRight #AccessToCleanWater #MinimiseWastage #Care #Donate #CharityWater #IMadeItThroughDayTwentyOne

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

 

Day 20 in A Month of Gratitude (20th October 2020)

Day 20 in A Month of Gratitude and today I am #grateful for the #diagnosis of Crohn's Disease. Not grateful for the disease per se, but for the diagnosis. Tune in to hear my story. 

https://www.facebook.com/100010993359081/videos/1244463172596783/

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #GratefulForDiagnosis #CrohnsDisease #PartOfMyLife #LifeLongAndIncurable #Depression #PsychiatricCare #Acceptance #Integration #NameToTheMystery #RollerCoasterRide #MakingMeaning #LifeExperiences #HolisticApproach #LifeJourney #Counselling #IMadeItThroughDayTwenty

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Pav

Day 19 in A Month of Gratitude (19th October 2020)

Day 19 of A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today I am #grateful for my GI #doctors. I have had a few doctors over the years but happily, I have found the best doctors that are the right fit for me. As I am fond of telling them, "Stay well, you have to look after me for the rest of my life!" One of the most crucial aspects of having a lifelong, #incurabledisease is to have #excellentmedicalcare that works well for you.

I am so grateful for my doctors who run the GI Associates Gastro clinic at Gleneagles. Both were doctors at SGH, and are #experts in Inflammatory Bowel Disease. I consider them the best IBD doctors in the country, and no, I don't think I am too biased in saying so. I have known the senior doctor for over 18 years, and his junior partner for far less, but they both #embodyexcellence for me. 

Today I saw Dr Chuah Sai Wei, the junior doctor, who keeps tabs on me, and with whom I have long conversations about all sorts of things and we have a truly #lovelyconnection. There are times when I have asked her about herself, and she has shared with me, and I have seen the beauty of her soul. She's so #warm, #kind, #empathetic and #compassionate, and her bedside manner is #exemplary. She has held my hand through so many rough and tough moments, as has her senior partner, Dr Ooi Choon Jin. Literally, my hand has been held, and I have wept before them, and been comforted, even in times when I have been a difficult patient. Together, they have truly been there for me on my journey. 

We talked about my plans, my escapades and my guts, and we had some good laughs too today. We discussed what we would do over the next few weeks, and set a plan in place. I told her about my Month of Gratitude, and that I wanted to write about my doctors and asked if we could take a photo together and she agreed quite happily. I got all teary thanking her for being wonderful, and for the many things I have in life to be grateful for, and she said that it was a good thing to do, and she was so happy that I am looking and doing well. It's been over a year since my surgery, and I've put on at least 3kgs since then, my jelly belly feels soft and pliable, my lungs are clear, my BP is good, stool and blood work are good, and basically I am well. 

She hoped I was managing stress well, and we talked about that and how excited I was to have projects to work on and how I minimise stress. In short, we connected deeply in a short time, as we usually do, and I consider her a #friend. We might not meet up outside of the clinic because I think professional boundaries are useful, but she knows me, what makes me happy, what is important to me, and she genuinely cares for me. And I feel the same way about her too. And that's a lot like a friend. I feel uplifted after every encounter with her, and that brings me hope for my future and joy for the present.

I got my jab today to take me through the next 4 weeks, and we are slowly seeing if we can stretch it to 5 weeks without any issues cropping up. Crohn's Disease is a horrible illness I wouldn't wish on my enemies, but living with it has been made so much easier with the help, care and affection of my lovely and loving doctors. I love them, and I shall always be grateful to have them in my life. ❤

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #GratefulForMyDoctors #Excellence #Exemplary #Connection #Warm #Kind #Empathetic #Compassionate #Uplifting #HopeAndJoyAndAFuture #GreatBedsideManner #CrohnsDisease #BestIBDDoctors   #MadeItThroughDayNineteen

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Pav

Day 18 in A Month of Gratitude (18th October 2020)

Day 18 of A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today I am #grateful for my #siblings. Nobody loves you quite like your #brother and #sister. I    have the best siblings, and I miss them very much. Today, is my brother's birthday, and I remember being in KL for his birthday in 2018, and in Melbourne for my sister's 50th, also in 2018. #WhatALotOfFunWeHad. 

But best of all, in my memory, was the great effort they both made, with their spouses, to plan and execute a suprise birthday party for my 50th in 2017. What a lot of fun we had, but really, #WhatALotOfLoveWeShared. I was struggling, and they came to #cheer me up, lend me #support, and be the #pillars that they are. I lucked out completely in the siblings department... I've been blessed with the best!

When I'm with my siblings it's like being with a comfy duvet that's soft and familiar and cosy, and when it's cold you reach for it and it keeps you warm. You know each other inside out, and all the strengths along with limitations that exist in them and in yourself. And it's perfectly fine, you are #loved as you are. You laugh, and it's an echo of your sibling's laugh, or you have a similar smile, or some mannerism that is almost rooted in shared genes. 

Best of all is the pool of #sharedmemories that you have together over your lifetimes... they are your #oldestfriends on your life journey, truly till death do us part. Friends are lovely, but you choose them, as you do your spouse, but siblings are #gifted to you, and you have no choice but to be in some form of family unit with them. They see you at your best, and your worst, you fight and disagree but make up and carry on because it's the same blood that runs through your veins... it's #family, and that's what family does, love you all the way.  

I am so glad for my siblings and the love they have shown me over the 53 years that I have known them both. They are the best sibs I could have asked for, and I wish we could breach the gap in the physical distance between us, and yet I know that we have a deep love and a certain sixth sense between us that enables us to almost know what the other is thinking. Somewhere in three different corners of this world are three people who carry each other in their hearts, minds and memories across the miles. Live long and prosper, my lovely sibs, when you leave this world a big part of me will go with you. ❤❤❤

#AMOG #AMonthofGratitude  #GratefulForMySiblings #Siblings  #Family #Familiar #Cheer #Support #Pillar #BestSibsEver #OldestFriends #SharedMemories #EntwinedHeartsAndMinds #LiveLongAndProsper #IMadeItThroughDayEighteen

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

Day 17 in A Month of Gratitude (17th October 2020)

Day 17 in A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today I am #grateful for #change. Tune in to hear my stories of #metamorphosis and my love for the #butterfly, and a visit from the #OleanderHawkMoth. Change is really the only constant in life, we might as well embrace it. Had a strangely wakeful night so recorded this at 230am. At least the construction next door is quiet in the wee hours. 🤣

https://www.facebook.com/100010993359081/videos/1241402109569556/ 

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #GratefulForChange #Transformation #Metamorphosis #ScaryFearOfTheUnknown  #Complacency #ChangeCanBeBad #IllnessDiagnosis #Death #Divorce #LossAndGrief #Denial #Acceptance #ChangeCanBeGood #NavigateChangeWell #BuildResilience #RemainFlexible #PromotesGrowth #AllOfLifeIsChange #ShiftingSands #ChangeIsTheOnlyConstant #LearnToLetGo #IMadeItThroughDaySeventeen

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Pav

Day 16 in A Month of Gratitude (16th October 2020)

Day 16 of A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today I am #grateful for #friendship. At the heart of all loving relationships is a friendship that began with a simple "Hello" that blossomed into so much more. I am so glad that I have many friends in my life, but as I am getting older, and hopefully wiser, I have come to appreciate the few close friends that I consider a part of my inner circle.

It's really about #qualitynotquantity, and part of that I think is just the lack of energy, time and resources one has to pour into the lives of too many friends. We can't be all things to everyone, but we can be very special to a few people, and they to us. What do we look for in friendships? I don't have a list, I just think of my dearest friends and I realise what makes our friendship work well. I think #reciprocity is important. If I enjoy you and your company, I'd like you to feel the same way. We won't get far as friends if it's one sided! Think that's a stalker situation! 🤣

I think my best friends are the ones I've been #transparent with, you know, the friends who can see right through you not because you're a flimsy sort but because you've been able to tear down walls and lay bare your soul, and felt accepted and loved by them. These souls are precious. Hold them close, and try not to hurt them... it takes a lot to get to a place of reciprocal #openness and #vulnerability and it's rare in this world. When you find friends like that you must treasure them lovingly and cherish them for the wonderful and life giving souls that they are. They are a #gift to you in your journey. 

A long journey is made lighter when we have #goodcompany walking alongside us. The best kind is not always in step with us, often they dance to the tune of their own song or march to the beat of a different drummer. But that's perfectly fine, because they do fall in step with us in closer encounters, and when that happens it's magical. You pick up the threads of a conversation as if you'd met yesterday when, in truth, months may have passed between you. Those are the most beautiful of friendships, the kinds that last a lifetime. When you look into the eyes of the other, you see a #reflection of yourself, because we are mysteriously drawn to #echoesofourselves and often, our friends see the beauty in us which we cannot see. We are blinkered by our own bias against ourselves but friends see the goodness in us, and good friends bring out our best. 

May you have good friends for your journey, and be a good friend yourself, however you may define friendship. It requires love and effort but is so worth the reward of building lasting friendships. We were meant for connection. ❤

Here is a pix  of one of my dear friends, Isabelle Desjeux, who exemplifies everything a true friend could be, and more. And a gift she made as a wedding anniversary present for me in Jan 2005. I've known her for almost 2 decades, and it's been my privilege to count her as my friend, and my once upon a time neighbour in Seletar Camp. And to have partaken of those tarte tartins with uncovered apples on top. Yummy! Love this gift, and it's in my room, a constant reminder of a lovely soul. ❤

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #Gratitude #GratefulForFriendship #Friendship #Friends #QualityNotQuantity #Reciprocity #Transparent #Openness #Vulnerability #PreciousGift #GoodCompany #LifesJourney #Reflections #EchoesOfOurselves #MeantForConnection #IMadeItThroughDaySixteen

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Pav

Day 15 in A Month of Gratitude (15th October 2020)

Day 15 of A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today I am #grateful for #painting. Painting is an amazing #hobby and #therapeutic for me, primarily because I feel it gives me an opportunity to create something from nothing, and provides me a chance to make choices and exercise control over something in my life.

The #creativeprocess allows us to express our inner energies and yearnings through a safe medium. What could be more expressive then allowing the mind to be set free to move through the hands to create something new, something as yet unborn, unseen, and unknown? What a privilege to bring that into the world... it's almost like #bringingforth or giving birth, and isn't that what the creative arts do, give birth to something beautiful and meaningful?

The chronically ill typically feel like they have #lostcontrol over some aspects of their lives. The illness can flare unpredictably, symptoms of the illness and side effects of meds affect their quality of life, and they may struggle to function normally. In fact, for many, their lives are disrupted in ways that they would never have imagined possible. Painting is one way to #regaincontrol over some aspect of one's life. I feel this works for me, at least.

I see a #blankcanvas, clean and empty, waiting for me to leave my mark as I choose to do so. I choose the size of the canvas, and the colours I want to see, and even if I paint from a picture that I have chosen, which I often do, it's still up to me to decide how closely I wish to follow it, or the extent of the liberties I wish to take, and so it becomes #mychoices from start to end. In that sense, I am able to exercise control over the process. If I decide not to paint it, that, too, is my decision. The whole process is mine, and nobody can take that away from me, not even illness. To the extent that I feel and appreciate this sense of choice and control, painting is therapeutic because it gives me a platform to be in charge, when for many years, and on many occasions, illness has taken centrestage or called the shots.

When you are stuck at home, or in hospital, unable to do the things you'd like to do, and your world shrinks to choices made for you, and your autonomy dwindles down to next to nothing... finding joy in a pursuit that sets you free, opens the world to you, allows you to say things without words, gives you the means to explore beauty and get back in touch with your joyful, playful self... that activity becomes precious. In fact, it comes a part of your very existence, and you know you need it, and derive such pleasure from it that it is life giving. For some, music provides this outlet, for others, it could be gardening, pottery making, jewellery making, or whatever activity that allows for the self to be involved in creative and life giving pursuits. Find what works for you, and enjoy it, throw yourself into it, and when life seems to sweep you along in a fierce undertow over which you might feel you have little or no control, reach out for your creative pursuit and say, "Hey, I can't do much about anything else, but this one thing I can manage, and I enjoy, and I am going to make something beautiful!" It'll amaze you just how much you'll come to love it, and much it will lift you up. It's what I call #nourishingthesoul. Do your soul a favour, do something creative! ❤

Pix of painting with base coat done and waiting for me to add layers. So much noise from construction next door that it's been hard to think... perhaps I shall paint and let the colours speak for me.

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #GratefulForPainting #Grateful #Painting #Therapeutic #Meaningful #BringingForth #CreativeProcess #RegainControl #BlankCanvas #MyChoices #CreativePursuits #LifeGiving #Uplifting #NourishYourSoul #MentalHealthAwareness #IMadeItThroughDayFifteen

Thanks for reading, 

Pav

Day 14 in A Month of Gratitude (14th October 2020)

Day 14 in A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today I am #grateful for #quiet. Tune in to find out why I'm enjoying a spot of quiet and what some of the benefits are. May you find quiet moments in your day too, dear FB friends! ❤

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #October #GratefulForQuiet #Quiet #SaturatedByNoise  #HybridExtrovertIntrovert #Examen #ExamineOurLives #Contemplation #NotRumination #PrayerfulMeditation #Restoration #Reconciliation #RechargeBatteries #DoTheNeedful #TimeToOneself #MentalHealthAwareness  #IMadeItThroughDayFourteen

https://www.facebook.com/100010993359081/videos/1238766313166469/

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Pav

Day 13 in A Month of Gratitude (13th October 2020)

Day 13 of A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today I am #grateful for #sleep. Something so basic and necessary, and yet often so very elusive. #SleepDeprivation is known to have severe effects on #mentalhealth and general wellbeing, as well as triggering illness in the body. 

I never lost much sleep until I had children. Nothing quite like a baby to keep you up at night, and nothing quite like 4 babies in 7.5 years to deprive you of even more sleep. And then with illness over two decades, there were long nights of sleeplessness when pain kept me awake, or the long wait for a civilised hour to get to hospital while crying in bed because it hurt so much but you didn't want to inconvenience anyone. The nights never seem so long until you are waiting for pain to lessen.

Loss of sleep due to numerous babies is par for the course in motherhood, so you endure it as a badge of honour, as you do through various other occasions of care and concern for your children as they grow. Loss of sleep from illness is something you have no control over and you endure it because you have no choice. You simply do, so you can keep going, and, somehow, you do keep going. 

The hardest loss of sleep comes from heartbreak. A broken heart, shattered into so many, tiny pieces you imagine that you'll never put your heart back together again. You lie there, in the dark, and you cannot say anything because the other person won't listen. Or, soon enough, they are gone and you are alone, with even less recourse to expressing yourself, finding your voice, speaking your truth. So you swallow your grief, and you find that grief unexpressed is grief unprocessed, and it leaks out of you in seemingly endless streams of tears. I lost a few years of sleep just crying myself to sleep, and waking up 3-4 hours later in tears again. It was grief, seeping through my pores, finding its way out of a heart that just couldn't contain it any more. Every night felt like an eternity, waiting for my mind to shut down, and my heart to grieve less, clinging on to the adage that "time heals all wounds" while fighting to emerge better, not bitter. 

Now, happily, I sleep like a baby. I have very little difficulty falling asleep, I am not in pain, I have no burden of unspoken words or unexpressed grief, and my heart isn't broken. Well, perhaps it isn't fully healed because I don't think it ever will be, but it isn't awash with hurt and grief. Sleep comes easily, I no longer find myself awake at 4am staring into space, mulling over questions with no answers and weeping with sorrow. I am asleep through at least 6 hours every night now, which may not sound like much to many, but for someone like me, it's plenty. Sadly, many of us with chronic illness never really wake up feeling rested despite sleeping for several hours.

The body heals and regenerates while we sleep, affecting our overall health and our ability to function, but for the chronically ill, the disease process undermines the body's ability to fully #repair, #restore and #rejuvenate, and we are constantly exhausted, no matter how much we might sleep. Still, I am so glad that I am getting more than 4 hours of sleep these days. It's hard being on immunosuppressants and trying to find the energy to do the necessary on so little sleep. I feel like I battle the flu everyday. Found myself waking up today with a migraine, and my throat felt funny. Perhaps a more restful day is in order, with sunglasses on since it's a sunny day and "cos my future is so bright I gotta wear sunglasses", even at home. 🤣

Wasn't up to making a video today with my head hurting, and I actually miss writing, so today I am happy to be grateful for sleep, in writing, and to try to grab more winks through the day. I hope you are getting the rest you need in the course of your day, and feeling rejuvenated, dear friends. ❤🙏

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #October #GratefulForSleep #SleepRepairsRestoresRejuvenates #MentalHealthAwareness #BabiesIllnessHeartbreak #SleepDeprivation #GriefUnexpressedIsGriefUnprocessed #KeepGoing #SleepingLikeABabyNow #RestfulDay #IGotThroughDayThirteen

Thanks for reading, 

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Day 12 in A Month of Gratitude (12th October 2020)

 

Day 12 of A Month Of Gratitude, #AMOG, and today I am #grateful for #spontaneity. Live a life with unplanned adventures to keep you going. Break away from routine and #havefun. It's #lifegiving! ❤

#AMOG #AMonthOfGratitude #October #Spontaneity #BeingSpontaneous #UnplannedActivity #Unscripted #Adventure #TrueSelf #InnerChild #HaveFun #LifeGiving #SelfCare #FillUpYourself #MentalHealthAwareness #IMadeItThroughDayTwelve

https://www.facebook.com/100010993359081/videos/1236993200010447/

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