Day 23 in A Month of Gratitude, #AMOG, and I am #grateful for my #memories. Today, I sat looking at my beautiful German cello, David, and I wished that I could play him better, as he deserves to be played. And I remembered the day I got him as a gift; how we had gone to the shop, looked at several models and picked David, who is worth several thousand dollars. I loved my gift, as I loved the giver then, but for some years I was unable to play my cello because the memory of my gift brought me pain and sadness. Why would someone give me something so exquisite and then leave me a few years later?
And so it was with practically everything else that I had in my life. My fav baubles of jewellery, picked out on special occasions, and given to me as a sign of love and affection, lay unused for a few years. The sight of them made me cry, the touch of them brought grief, and the memories of happier times were just too much to bear. I refused to wear them because I was sad, angry, hurt and grieving.
My home, a beautiful house with greenery and water features, apparently built for and dedicated to me, has been my sanctuary and refuge for nine years now, but there was a time when I could barely walk about in it without feeling grief in every step. Every feature, every corner, held memories of building and furnishing our lovely home. But every memory stabbed me in the heart, and it was more than I could bear. I wanted to start afresh somewhere with no old memories hanging in the air, no grief, and no hurt. And yet, for the children, this was their beloved home, and so I stayed in the house, for them, willing myself to do the necessary because it wasn't about only me. Once you have children, your life is never really your own.
Everything that I have had has been given to me, and I am grateful to have so much. For someone who never asked for anything or barely placed a premium on material things, I have been blessed with more than many have received. And yet many things in my life remind me of a different time in my existence when love and happiness abounded. The challenge is to remain happy with all those things, now that love has flown away. It is possible, if one heals the memories, and the emotions, and rightly sees the past for what it is.
The past was beautiful. It truly was. No matter how things ended, the shared loved was real, the sentiments behind every gift were genuine, and the intentions were good and honourable. To be able to look back and appreciate the beauty of something rare while it lived is to acknowledge its rightful place in my life, and to #integrate the past with my present. Life was beautiful then, and it still is now. And all those gifts are beautiful reminders of happier times which are a part of me and my life's journey.
So I play my cello these days, caressing David, and loving his curves and the tone of his voice, and trying hard to let him sing beautifully and squeak less in my hands. I wear my favourite jewellery despite having acquired pieces on my own, after all, these gifts were always mine to enjoy from the very beginning and I chose them, and I daresay I have good taste. And best of all, I love my house that I built too, and I cherish every minute that we are here. Once the children have flown the nest I will move to a smaller nest, but for now I enjoy every nook and cranny, I remember the purchase of every piece of furniture and furnishing without sadness, and I try my best to be a good steward of all that is granted to my care.
We are blessed to be well provided for, and that, too, helps with #forgiveness and the #healing of memories. It is far easier when there is less anxiety or worry. It is necessary, though, to heal our painful memories so we can find #peace in life, no matter what the circumstances. It almost seems easier to grieve over painful words and hurtful actions because you can avoid contact with people who hurt you, but what do you do with the things in your life that are a reminder of happier times?
Close the door on the "Why" questions with no answers, open your heart to bringing memories, both good and bad, out into the light of day, and grieve over the past as you let it all go, and cherish the things you have been given by honouring the intentions of the giver. From time to time I feel tears well up, and fall unhindered, when a memory comes to mind, or the sight or sound of something triggers a memory. And I let the tears flow, because they are healing tears. I've found that with the passing of time the tears have been fewer, the weeping shorter, and the pain has dulled. It will never totally disappear, but that is what it means to have loved, and to have lost someone you cherished. To be human is to know this pain and to have this scar, in some form or the other.
At the end of our lives, if we still have our faculties intact, our memories will remain with us, nobody can take them away, and they will have informed a large part of the direction our lives have taken. May our journeys be directed by healed memories that help us make the best of decisions, may our hearts find peace as we integrate our past with our present, and may our future remembrances of those we have loved be blessed by a #lightness and #generosity of spirit that bodes well for a healed heart and mind. It isn't easy, but it's a big part of our journey, allowing our memories to heal, letting the past go and setting ourselves free. ❤
Pix of me posing with a gorgeous but somewhat neglected David whose strings need tightening. Always his G string that tends to go first. Cheeky fella! 🤣
#AMOG #AMonthOfOctober #GratefulForMemories #Pain #Hurt #Anger #Grief #HealMemories #IntegratePastWithPresent #HonourIntentions #CherishGifts #Peace #Lightness #Generosity #Forgiveness #LetThePastGo #SetOurselvesFree #LifesWork #IMadeItThroughDayTwentyThree
Thanks for reading,
Pav
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